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Less Than 1 Week Until Grad Ball…

It’s less than 1 week until my university’s Graduation Ball and I still have no idea if J-O will be coming. I sent her a message last weekend (7th) reminding her that it was in two week’s time, to which she didn’t respond. Although it was not a message that was worded in a way that required a response, it would be nice if she’d acknowledged it, as her ignoring things usually means no. But as I say, the message didn’t require a response, so I hope it’s not an indication that she’s backing out. I tried to chat to her on Thursday, just generally; she did respond initially, but then stopped, although I think fb chat was having problems that day. So, basically, with less than a week to go I still have no idea if she’s coming or not.

She’s been back in the UK almost 3 weeks now but I’ve not talked to her much, because I don’t want to get on her nerves. I’m hoping that my lack of contact will not be interpreted negatively, as used to be a problem. Usually these days she views lack of contact a good thing, as it shows I only like her as a friend, so I hope she’ll take it that way (although you never can tell with her). The plan is that I will send her a message tomorrow saying that we should arrange a time to talk about the Grad Ball in the next few days. If she ignores it, I know where I stand; if she does arrange a chat, I will still be very skeptical, but it will be overall taken as a positive indication.

Overall, I’m 99% sure she’ll say she can’t come, for some reason or another, if true or not. Basically, I can’t trust a word she says any more. I think it’s a good thing. At least this way I’m not disappointed when she inevitably says she ‘can’t come’. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want her there – I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing her for the first time in 6 months, especially as she’ll be all dressed-up. If she does come, I better not drink too much because I am likely to get ‘over-friendly’ if so. I just wish I knew if she was coming, and that I’d feel ok about it…

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Getting Restless

Over the last few weeks I’ve changed somewhat. Beforehand, I’d envisioned staying in Southampton my whole life, because I love this city and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. But recently I realised that staying here is only holding me back – for me to make a better life for myself I need to get away, get out of my comfort zone. I also realised that I want to go into something to do with government or politics, and for that I need to look towards London. I just feel that my life is going nowhere stuck here, that I need to branch out, to move, to take charge of my own life, in order to progress. In pursuit of this I’ve applied for several jobs in London. I have no idea if I’ll get them. In fact, I’m feeling rather pessimistic about it.

All I know is, I have to do something and, if I can’t get a job there and move right away, I have to do it within the next few years. I just can’t stand staying at home, staying in this city of limited opportunities; it is holding me back.

Grad Ball?

The other day I got an email from my university reminding me about tickets for the Graduation Ball. Unlike previous such emails (which went into the ‘trash’ without a thought), I stopped and realised I hadn’t actually considered at all if I should go to this shindig. There are two strands of thought I have on this issue.

The first and most obvious one of these strands is regret. I would probably regret not going – after all, it’s only going to happen once. I may enjoy it. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, at least I can say I went; if you can say you went, you don’t have to reveal how you felt about it, whereas if you say you didn’t even go then you’d be instantly siezed on, with people saying energetically “were you insane!?” (or words to that effect).

The second and the one that sprang first to my mind is indifference. I would probably regret going – after all, I didn’t enjoy my prom, at which there were many more people that I knew, so why would I enjoy this? I’d just stand around looking like a right numpty, especially with no nice lady-friend to dance with (which I assume almost all people will). Admittedly this time I can drink alcohol, which would make it easier to grin-and-bear-it.

Overall I’m not sure. Besides which, I can’t even afford the ticket at the moment, although that should be sorted by tomorrow with a bit of a switcheroo of funds within my myriad of different accounts, from ISAs to savings to current accounts. I dunno. Maybe I should go. Especially since shame and peer pressure is such a powerful force in my life. Maybe I should ask if J-O wants to accompany me, which would solve the lady-friend problem, although she’d have to pay for herself.

An Interesting Phone Call

I know I recently said I’d had enough with J-O, that this time I meant it. I couldn’t keep it up. Not even for a week. I decided to send J-O a Christmas card. I re-liked the photo album of her in Cambridge. As soon as I did that we had a chat, about what she’s been doing recently and things, and we seemed to be ok again. I then bought her a small Christmas present, something I had been thinking about before. Then on Friday I called her and asked if she wanted to meet up, but she said she had a lot of work to do so couldn’t see me until after her mum visits her for Christmas (somewhat denting my present-giving plan). I asked if she’d got the card and she said she hadn’t.

Today, unexpectedly, I got a call from her. When I picked up the phone I could hear she was crying. She said that she had just opened my Christmas card and it made her cry. We had a little chat about how she was – I was planning to call her today anyway – and at the end I said ‘I miss you’, as I did on Friday, yet this time she said it back. I’m not sure why it made her cry. I’m pretty sure it was just a friendly card, nothing emotional, apart from my usual ‘always yours’ bit when signing off. The annoying thing is, I usually write down what I write to her, so I have my own record of full correspondence between us, but I thought this wouldn’t be important, so didn’t warrant writing down what I wrote.

I’d like to think it’s because she’s just realised that she misses me, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s more to do with the fact nearly all her friends have gone home for Christmas while she is stuck in her halls with 3 essays to write. Although, she did say today that her roommate is actually staying there with her, she didn’t go home, presumably to keep J-O company, as she apparently only lives 1 hour away. So I may not be able to stay if I do go visit her (although, if she is only 1 hour away it means it’s not difficult for her to go home for a bit if J-O would like me to stay).

As for the Christmas present thing, it should arrive on Wednesday, so I may be able to see her Thursday, before her mum arrives. Even if she’s not finished her essays, I’m sure if I say I have a present, she’d let me come see her. I would let her work though if we did meet up and she needed to work, I don’t want to disrupt her uni work. I think we could work out a compromise in which I could see her but also let her get on with her work. Maybe I could say I’d just want to meet in the early evening; she’d probably be fine with that. She can work in the afternoon and have some fun with me in the evening. Everybody wins. Right?

A Train-Full Week and 1/2

From Saturday (8th) to Monday (17th), it’s going to be a week full of train journeys. I bought a 18 – 25 railcard on Saturday so my future trips up to London will cost 33% less, and I of course went to London that day. Sunday and Monday were train-free, I’m somewhat glad to say, but the rest of the time will be full of trains.

Today, as well as tomorrow, I have to take the train to and from uni. I always feel like going to sleep on the train for some reason. Those seats aren’t really comfortable, but they seem to be comfortable enough to almost nod off on, especially in the mornings.

I’m also hoping that I can go and see J-O again on Thursday, the reason for which I’ll explain in a minute. However I still have to ask her and it’s very likely (around 88% likely) that she’ll be too busy, or too tired, or just thinks it’s too early to see me again. Besides which, I’ll only be able to see her in the late afternoon because I have a lecture 10am – 12am.

So if I don’t go there’s no train-ness on Thursday, but Friday it’s back to the station as I’m visiting a friend at his uni, Kent. I’m staying there until Monday. That should be fun and interesting.

Anyway, all in all (apart from going to uni) it’s nice to be able to get out of the house, as I’ve been pretty much stuck in here for the last two years due to lack of friends. This year there’s the prospect of visiting three of my other friends at their unis, and with the railcard will be much cheaper. Third year should be a good year. Who knows, if all goes ok with J-O I might even make friends with her friends in halls. I hope all this happens anyway (people talk about inviting you up but don’t always really, seriously mean it).

Back to Uni

Well, I just finished my second week back at uni. I’m finding it hard to believe I’m in my third year, it seems like I’ve been there much less – college felt much longer and that was only two years. I suppose that’s what happens when you live at home and commute – you’re not there all the time, and you feel it.

I found my timetable quite deceptive, I’ve only got 2 units apart from my dissertation, but it seems like a lot more work than previous years. They expect a higher level of work, that those that are still at the university in third year are there to do the work, and so you have to put a lot more effort and thought in.

The dissertation is what I’m finding really daunting. I met up with my dissertation supervisor last week and we basically decided to change it quite radically, so I’m having to re-plan it before I start writing it. My first chapter draft has to be in by mid-November, and it’s difficult with having to keep on top of seminar work as well. It should be interesting!

That Fateful Decision

Why did I do it?

Because I was scared
Scared of new things
Scared of responsibility
Scared of self-reliance

I should have left home
I should have gone into halls
I should’ve taken the chance of a lifetime
I should’ve taken a new life at university

Now I have the whole of my life to regret it.

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