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Update on the J-O Situation

Yeah sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days, but I’ve been busy having a good time, which I’ll post about either today or tomorrow.

J-O has decided that she will do this English As A Foreign Language (called a TOEFL test) and then apply for 5 universities in England for next year. She’ll be applying for different subjects for some universities, as far as I understand. She’ll apply to Southampton, Portsmouth, Solent and others. This means she can apply to good unis to see if she gets in, but also apply to the less good ones just in case, so we can still be together. I previously said I would be willing to wait for her, now she has said that she will wait for me. I said I was worried that she might be ‘missing out on some fun’ if she was waiting for me for a year, but she said that she likes only me and that she isn’t missing out on any fun, she just cannot wait to be studying in England and for us to be together.

I just hope it all goes well over the next year, and that I have the patience to wait. Although it’s not like I’ll get any other girls in that time. I hope she can wait. I trust her.

Fantastic News! But I Can’t Celebrate Too Soon

J-O got into Solent. I found out when she sent me a text yesterday. I was overjoyed. But then when I was talking to her later, that euphoria was severely dampened. She was concerned that the course she applied for there would not be useful for the future, that she would have to consider with her parents very carefully if she was going to accept the place.

As you can imagine, this didn’t fill me with hope that I would see her. Especially when she said that ‘no matter where I go in England, I will still be close to you’. It doesn’t sound good. If she didn’t come to Solent, then I don’t think anything could happen between us. Long distance relationships are difficult enough when people have been together for years, let alone just starting out.

In a way though, I understand and accept that this is something she needs to consider. As I said to her, I’d rather she took the decision that she thinks is best for her, rather than worrying about me. She needs to do something that will be useful for the future, that’s the point – for me to encourage her to do otherwise would be selfish of me, and wrong.

She says she might make the decision today, after talking to her parents about it. So today may be make or break for me. I’ll either end the day knowing my ‘girlfriend’ is coming here or that she is not. I suspect she will not come here. It’s just my luck. I sometimes think the world doesn’t want me to get a girlfriend, to be happy. I sometimes think that I’ll always be alone. This will be just another chapter in that story. Although this particular may set me back considerably, emotionally. I was so close, yet so far… quite literally.

It looks like a few more years of loneliness (at least) for me. But it shouldn’t be too bad. I’m used to it by now. Kinda.

Imagining ‘Us’

When I was talking to J-O the other day she said “come to hug me and to sleep together “, and I said “ I wish I could for real.”

I really do. She has said something similar to me before, when I once told her that I’m not much of a sleeper. She said ‘then we can stay awake and just hug’. Since then, I have quite often, while in bed trying to get to sleep, imagined us sleeping together. (That is to say sleeping as in literally sleeping, not sex). It is a fantastic thought. For us to just be lying there, hugging each other, feeling the warmth of her body and knowing I am not alone.

I just hope that she gets into Solent, and it can happen for real.

How It Is Going

I’ve just realised that I haven’t updated my blog recently about how it’s going with J-O. Mostly it’s because we’re getting on so well that to constantly update the blog on all the great things that we’ve been saying to each other would become tedious and boring. Not to mention that I’m thinking about keeping such things mostly completely private from now on.

We are very close these days. For example, the other day when we were discussing her lack of response from Solent uni, we both got quite upset and cried a little. There has also been a fair bit of sexual tension in our conversation these days, and yesterday she admitted, as did I similarly afterwards, that she sometimes gets “excited” when talking to me. We also both keep talking about how we can’t wait to be “close” to each other. She is so sweet and so pretty. Not to mention pretty sexy too, as I fully realised when looking at some recent photos she posted on Facebook. We’re even developed nice little things we say to each other.

So yeah, all in all, it’s going, well, perfect. I really hopes she gets in to Solent. I cannot wait to see her.

The More I Like Her…

These days I’m finding that the more I like J-O, the more pessimistic I am about her chances of getting into Solent, of me ever seeing her. I suppose it comes from my lack of luck in love thus far. It seems like any chance I ever have gets thwarted. I have the suspicion that any girl I like, the world will conspire to make me not ‘get’ her.

The other day I talked to her on Skype voice chat. I was really nervous about it, I was shaking a bit again. I was relieved and encouraged when she said she was nervous too – it shows that she does really like me properly. I know this sounds silly, but I think she has a really nice voice. There was a few awkward silences, which were broken up by nervous laughing from both of us. I’m so silly.

Today there was another very good sign from her. I had introduced to the song The Day I Died by Just Jack the other day and she’d really liked it. So as my ‘mood message’ on Skype, I put “the day you arrive will be the best day of my life”. She noticed this near the end of the conversation. Then when she was saying goodbye, instead of the usual “🙂” she sent “” – that middle one being the ‘in love’ emoticon on Skype :D. Then she said “I like you”, which I took, in the context of that new emoticon use, to be “I love you”, but that she didn’t want to actually say ‘the L word’. I replied “I really like you too”. It’s looking very promising.

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