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Random Goodnight

Yep, it’s back to the ol’ J-O subject. I bet you’re all jumping for joy.

Anyway, it’s probably nothing, but I’m paranoid and think too much, so here goes anyway. Since we broke up I’ve been following my ‘let her talk first’ rule. Well, last night (that is, Monday, in case you’re confused by your relative time zone) she came online, late (early hours of the morning I think; surprised me since she’s working) and I followed that rule. 30 mins later and she still hadn’t talked to me, then all of a sudden she says “goodnight”. I quickly challenge her on why she just said goodnight, since we hadn’t talked. She just said “just wishing you goodnight”. We exchanged a few pleasantries and she went offline.

So, as I expect you’re expecting me to ask, what does this mean? Does it mean anything at all? Am I being paranoid? The answer is clearly yes, but does that make my question less valid? Perhaps not. But I digress. Does it mean she’s ready to reconnect, was it a polite way of sending the message that she wants to talk to me again? Was it a polite way of saying she wants me to talk to her again?

I really wish I knew the answer. If there is one…

Stressful

This whole J-O situation is really stressing me out, properly. I swear that worrying about it last night managed to cause a headache. The goings-on of the last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting, and has left me feeling tired and completely drained. I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep, and when I try and read a book to take my mind off it, I just begin thinking about her again as soon as I’ve put it down.

Seriously. The problem is not just that she completely refused to talk to me on Monday and Tuesday. It’s that even when she has talked to me on Skype over the past few weeks, it’s pretty much been:

Me “Hi, how are you?”
Her: “Fine, you?”
Me: “Fine thanks”
Her: “brb”
[a few hours later]
Her: “back. I am going to sleep now. Good night”
Me: “Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite”

I mean, what. the. actual. fuck? I know she said that when I didn’t call her for a few days when she arrived was like I didn’t care about her, but how does she think I feel when she doesn’t really talk to me for three weeks! Does she even care about me at all? It doesn’t seem like it! I swear we used to talk more on Skype in one day when she was in Bulgaria than we have in the past three weeks since we finally met up. I wouldn’t mind so much, if she actually explained why the hell she’s doing this. But to carry on, expect me to go along with it, as if it was normal and fine, just leaves me in such a state of confusion I think I might explode.

I’m so glad I’m away for the week from Saturday, I really need to get away from her for a while. I think I’ll tell her tonight that I’ll only call her 2 or 3 times, and say to her it’s probably for the best. She’ll probably agree since she seems to hate talking to me at the moment.

I swear relationships are not this difficult for everybody else. I’m going to have to have a serious talk with her next time we meet face-to-face. Whenever that is. What makes it all the more confusing is how happy she seemed when we met. If you’d have read my post about it it’s quite clear she was enjoying my company. Also, when we went on webcam yesterday, she seemed really pleased to see me (although she might have been watching something on YouTube at the same time so it might have been that she was smiling at).

FML.

Waiting Together

You always make me smile
Every little thing

When you laugh
When you talk
When you yawn

I even just like to
Hear you breathing

Even though you are
A thousand miles away
Our talks make me feel
Like you are right here

It could only be better
If you were here
It will happen soon
I know it

I am here, waiting
To hold you in my arms

Clearing the Air

The other day I talked to J-O and we had a nice chat that cleared the air. I wasn’t planning to talk to her that day, but she sent me a message on Facebook saying “I am sorry for all the things i made you to go through… maybe you are the only one….” so I decided to talk to her when she came online.

So when she came on I asked her what she meant. She said that she “kinda started to think about the way you might feel”, that she ‘doesn’t want me to feel bad in any way’ and I asked how I felt about what had happened between us. I said that it came as kind of a shock to me, how we were so affectionate before, then all of a sudden when we took the break that completely stopped. She reiterated that she did not feel happy with us being apart, it make her lonely. I said again that I perfectly understood how she felt, that it was fine, but that since we are in different situations, I have reacted differently. She said she felt guilty for making me feel lonely, but I said it was fine, that I understood, that I didn’t want her to feel lonely at all, which is why it was fine.

Then she mentioned about how she didn’t want me to think she wasn’t being honest. That got me thinking about the incident the other day, for which I was planning to not talk to her for a few days over. I asked if she deliberately remove those posts from Facebook that I commented on. She admitted she did do it intentionally, because her friends kept asking her about ‘us’, commenting on things I wrote (not on the posts themselves obviously). She said sorry, that it was foolish, she knows, that she “must not care about what people say”. I said that I did not mind it in itself; it was the deceit I did not like. She said I was right, that in future she will talk to me about it. She said that she realised that if I had done the same, she would “not have felt good” about it.

Then she said something that was sweet, that made me completely forgive her. I asked her what she meant by “maybe you are the only one” in the message. She said she meant I am “the only one who is really honest and says what he really thinks and feels”. I am glad that my honesty is appreciated, especially from her, especially since I try so hard to be honest. My mantra is, as Kant would say, “do as you would be done by”. I think if more followed that rule (as J-O admitted she should have) then the world would be a much better place.

Actually, I think even more sweet was the fact the last thing she said to me in that conversation (aside from saying goodbye): “I wonder what if we knew each other in real… what would happen, between us”. I replied: “I hope, lots of nice things”. She said “yeah”. It’s nice to know that she still thinks about us finally being together.

Be Right Back Etiquette

Here’s why I’m now not happy and so am back blogging:

J-O and I were talking on Skype, as usual, on Tuesday. At one point I decided to check if we were still going to watch a film on Wednesday as we had planned. But instead of giving a response, she said “brb” (be right back). I thought that was strange in itself, the fact that she seemed to deliberately avoid the question.

50 minutes later, she still wasn’t back. That also annoyed me, since by definition, ‘be right back’ does not mean you’ll take a long time. I think 20 mins is the very limit, which a friend of mine agreed with. It not only seems rude but it’s frustrating; I’d much rather she say something like, ‘oh, I’m going to go do whatever, I’ll probably be a while’ then I could not think about it, where she is, what she’s doing, why she’s not back.

So, like I said, it was 50 mins after she said “brb” and I was tired, not to mention a little annoyed. So I decided to go to bed. I said “I’m tired, I’m off to bed now, see ya” (the lack of affection, the casualness of “see ya”, said deliberately to imply I was annoyed) and signed out of Skype and turn off my computer.

But that’s not the end of it. When I signed in the next day and she did a bit later (Skype only sends messages received when you were offline when the other person signs in you see, unlike msn), I received a message from her, which said “oh sorry I am back [and then saying goodnight]”. Skype indicated that this message was sent 1 minute after I’d gone offline. It was almost as if she was still there all along, like she was ignoring me. If she didn’t want to talk to me at least she could have said she was going and doing something and wouldn’t be back for a while (as I said), or that she was going to bed. But making out like she still wants to talk to me then showing she’s there all along seems harsh to me.

Am I overreacting? All I know it that it pissed me off and put me in a very bad mood…

Such A Great Evening

Here’s the reason why I was happy and so hadn’t been writing here for 9 days:

On Saturday me and J-O had a great evening. We decided to watch the film Despicable Me. So we did the usual: we went on audio chat and played the movie at the same time to ensure we were watching the exact same bit (we did have to correct it every so often though, because I think her computer is slower than mine as was making it slightly slower for her, putting it out of sync).

We really enjoyed the film (even though J-O had seen it before), and it felt like we were having a great time together, almost like the old days, when we were ‘together’. This feeling continued after the film ended, because we talked about the future and how we hope everything works out. Although she didn’t say the words ‘be together’, she strongly implied it. For the next few days this feeling and affection continued. It was great. But then it was spoiled.

More about that in my next post.

Lonely Rant

As you might have been able to tell from my poem today, I’m not feeling too happy. I feel lonely and depressed, actually. It’s just been made worse by the fact J-O just texted me to say she won’t be on Skype tonight because she’s at a pub with her friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad that she’s meeting her friends – I know how lonely she feels without any friends around any more since they’re all at uni, since I’m in a similar position. Yet I was kind of hoping she would be on to make me feel better.

I don’t know, sometimes it feels like she’s the only positive thing in my future. The relationships with my friends seem to be getting worse (perhaps it’s because we’re growing up but that doesn’t mean I like it or can accept it willingly), I’m getting a bit worried about how my degree is going, I’m worried about my weight (although not enough to do anything about it yet. Not that I’m fat, but I am getting a bit tubby and I don’t like it) and I want to get away from my boring job but there’s nothing else around.

Sometimes I feel like bashing my head against the wall – at other times I feel like blankly staring into space or going to sleep or something inactive like that. I kind of feel tired of life at these times.

I’m just too reliant on people for happiness, as I’ve said before – be it my friends or J-O. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t so cowardly as to not try the uni halls experience and make new friends, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely now.

I can just imagine how must frustrated you feel if you read my blog – it just seems to go around in circles, doesn’t it? Hardly surprising that hardly anybody reads it. Read one post and you’ve read them all. I don’t know why I bother. Well, I do: it’s so I don’t have to keep nagging my friends, asking their advice – and it’s worked, too. Mostly. It fools me into thinking people actually care about me. It stops me worrying about wanting to talk to a friend about stuff but not being able to because I’m worried it’ll bore them and make them hate me, which it would if I had to listen to me (I think).

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.

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