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The Wink

I’m in the pub
I go to the loo
Once I’d done
What I’ve got to do
I went to wash my hands

But in the mirror
Something winks
A flashing blue light
I stop, puzzled
I turn around

There’s a machine
A vendor of rubbers
Each choice has a light
That flashes
In the night

It seems to wink
Come, buy me
It seems to say
You need me
Use me

I turn away
There’s no point
I say
You won’t be used

Not for some years
I expect
So no
Wink at someone
Who needs you

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Drinking Beers After Dropping Them – Not Good

The other day I went to a friend’s BBQ. When I was getting my beer from the fridge and putting them into a plastic bag, the bag broke. So I went to use one of those stronger ‘bag for life’ bags. But my Dad told me not to, so I just got another ordinary carrier bag and used that. Which was fine. For a while. But as I walked through the house and got into the back garden, and was about to put it down, it broke. Just my luck. One of the bottles smashed completely, and the other ones were pretty shaken up. So I left them for a bit, then drank them. They were still a bit bubbly, but they were okay. For a while.

But when I got home and tried to get to sleep I discovered the side-effects of drinking this slightly-bubbly beer. Gas. Lots and lots of gas. Burping and farting, but mostly burping. After burping every so often for an about an hour I realised that if I didn’t take action, then I’d be up all night. So what I ended up doing was, basically, burping myself. Like how you would with a baby. I kept pushing my stomach in, and every time I did so, I burped. It was horrible. Apparently I even woke up my mum doing it. I’m going to the pub with my friends tomorrow night (well, today actually, seen as it’s 40 mins past midnight here) and I don’t think I’ll be drinking there, not after that. I’ll probably just have coke. Although I suspect I may give in quite shortly. I give myself an hour before I start drinking. Or maybe less…

An Emotional Roller-Coaster

I’ve been talking to J-O today and my emotions have been all over the place. I started off the day being pretty resigned to the fact she could be going to Canterbury and I wouldn’t go out with her because of the distance. Then she started talking to me and I remembered how much I liked her, how in love with her I was. I told her that even if she goes to Canterbury I would still like to go out with her, because I didn’t want to lose her. Then she said that her Dad wanted for her to apply for a law degree at a London university, for next year, obviously.

Then I started to get really emotional. I told her that I would wait for her as long as it takes, that I want to be with her no matter where she goes. Then we started to talk about the future and she said that she could see herself living in London, with ‘a serious boyfriend’. I said that I would like that boyfriend to be me. Then she said that it would be nice but then she was not sure that I am ‘the one for her’ just from conversing over the internet. Then I explain my tendancy to really get into a person when I like them, at that I must remember that not everyone is as emotional as me. It was at this point I started crying.

She then send me Chasing Cars, because it’s one of the songs I’d sent her, which contains the line “if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world”. Then she said “why is life so stupid” and I said “I wish life was simple, that love was simple”. To which she said “I wish there was not life, actually”. She put a ‘crying’ emoticon. Then I said:

one day we will be together, we will hug and we won’t feel lonely
we will hug each other all night and we will be happy
and we will forget the times we were sad

She said “I hope so”, and then I said “I will always be here for you, I can wait for you, for as long as it takes”. She then thanked me for everything, and I thanked her for making me happy.

I cannot wait for this torture to end. I wish it would just get sorted and we could know what is going to happen. But it looks like her Dad is entrenched in his position, and she doesn’t want to do what he wants her to do. I suspect it will still be many days before we know. Until then, I live in a torturous limbo. On Sunday I plan to go to the pub and drown my sorrows with a few friends; I certainly need it.

Fantastic Day!

I had a fantastic day today. First I traded in the awful Guitar Hero: Greatest Hits and got Motorstorm Pacific Rift. Although I had planned to get Assassins Creed II, I’ve also wanted Motorstorm for a while.

After that I went round a friend’s house where we met up with some of our other friends, and then went to a nearby pub, the Cowherds, for lunch. I had a burger, which was nice, but it’s a bit expensive (all the things were). There was this really nice waitress serving us, which one of my friends took a particular liking too. There were also several other hot girls around the place. We had a fun time talking and eating and stuff, although it was partially ruined at the end by this woman on a nearby table talking loudly about how she discovered her husband is cheating on her. I know this sounds harsh, but just because she’s in a bad situation I don’t see why she has to ruin our day too.

After that we went to a nearby shop, bought some alcohol and went back to the friend’s house (it’s was M’s house). We had a lot of fun; we watched TV, listening to music, played cards and generally messed around. Oh yeah and we also kept bundling each other, bundling as in pushing someone to the ground and then squashing them by jumping on top of them. That was fun. Towards the end I was getting a bit tipsy, which was nice.

After that my parents picked me up and we went for dinner at another pub, where I again had a burger. That burger was even nicer than the one before.

What a great day 🙂

A Strange Situation

I wasn’t quite sure how to describe this in a short title format so decided to go with ‘a strange situation’, in the absence of being able to easily describe it in a short title. I’m also not sure about discussing it here, as the friend mentioned does know about this blog, but I think it’ll be okay because I don’t think she’s visited it in a year or so, and doubt she will any time soon. But I digress.

This is about M, somebody I have mentioned several times before. She is in a long-term relationship with one of my best friends, J, and loves him very much. However, since he went off to university she has been feeling a bit lonely. They were practically inseparable before, so you can imagine that it’s hard for them, and her particularly, to suddenly find they are many, many miles away from each other.

As I said, she’s been feeling lonely recently because of this. She has admitted to me (we are very open with each other, always giving each other advice you see, we’re very good friends you see, almost best friends, I would say) that because of this, she’s has started to think about other guys a bit. She still loves J, so, so much, but she is finding it difficult and is (somewhat inadvertently) thinking about other guys. She has admitted that one of those guys is me. She even admitted that she once thought about kissing me (I think she said it was) when a bunch or us went to the pub, or at a party, I’m not sure. One of the two.

I am very flattered by this, of course. I have also admitted to her that, like her, although I only really see her as a friend, I do also slightly fancy her. I would never, ever, get in the way of their relationship, because they love each other, and it’s not like she’s going to take it any further, but it is still a very strange situation to be in: we both like each other, but she loves him and I want them to be happy, and know nothing can come of these feelings we both hold. Because we are such good friends, it doesn’t make it awkward between us though, thankfully. We both know she loves him and that I would never do anything to jeopardise that. We both are more than happy just being friends.

So, what’s the problem, I hear you asking? Well, the trouble is that, like a lot of things, this situation has increasingly began to intrude into my everyday thoughts. This is because I don’t want to like her, in that way, even slightly, because I know it will not lead to any good thing, yet I can’t help admitting to myself that, however much I don’t want to like her in that way, I do. As you may know if you’ve read this blog before, friends and people I’m attracted to are supposed to be very much separate, I don’t want to like my friends as anything more than friends, so this poses to me a challenge to that principle that I don’t want to violate. Plus, to like somebody in that way, even unintentionally, that has a guy that she loves, and loves her, is another situation I find abhorrent, yet cannot change.

I suppose I’ll just have to admit that there can be exceptions to my rules, I’ll just have to admit that I do like her in that way a bit, but that as long as I never act on it, I know it will be fine. Then I’ll stop thinking about it. Even though I admit this exists in my subconscious, it does not really effect much my concious thoughts, and I’m more than happy to be friends, and I’m comfortable with that,  it cannot, luckily, make things awkward between us.

My First Kiss: But Does It Count?

On Friday I went to my local pub with a few friends. Well, I say a few friends, what I mean is two female friends and one guy who is barley tolerate in front of his face but hate in reality. But I digress. Anyway, at one point we started talking about relationships and I (as usual) made my point that “I’ve never kissed a girl, boo hoo! Who cares, really?” At that point one of the girls obviously decided that she’s heard this whining one too many times and she went to kiss me, and I turned towards her and obliged her in this action. It lasted a mere two seconds and was so sudden that I barely had time to register what was going. So I’m wondering, does that count?

I didn’t have time to register the feeling of what kissing is like, and it was simply her pressing her lips to mine quickly, with no more action than that. Okay technically that is a kiss, but in my view it doesn’t ‘count’ as such, because it didn’t involve any thought or much concious recognition of what happened.

So no, in my view, it doesn’t count as my first kiss, but like it or not it kinda was: what does everyone else think? (Not that I’m expecting to receive any comments on this post, but just in case I’m wrong, I’ll put it anyway.)

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