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The ‘Ideal’ Girl?

The post I wrote yesterday got me thinking about what I really look for in a girl. This is hard to say, as I’ve never had a proper girlfriend before, been on a date, or even had a friendship with a girl that could have progressed further. I’m not just talking about looks, but personality, likes and dislikes, all that stuff.

Starting on looks, I can’t say I’m too picky. I’ve not got a particular preference as far as hair colour is concerned, although if I had to choose one I’d say brown; I’m not sure why but I find it sexier than other colours, and fairly long, at least shoulder height I’d say. As for eyes, I really do have no preference. For build, I’d just say normal, ‘healthy’, as such. Also freckles (as I’ve mentioned before) are cute but not essential by any means.

As for personality, I’m actually attracted to the shier, quieter girls. Perhaps it’s based on the assumption that shy = nice, I dunno. It certainly adds a level of mystery that’s kinda sexy, I guess. I don’t think I’d be keen on a ‘outdoorsy’ type girl, I guess that I would like girls with a similar personality to me, a little geeky and nerdy, but not too much.

As for likes and dislikes, she’d have to at least have an moderate appreciation for sci-fi, particularly Star Wars, a fan of comedies like American Pie and Superbad, classic comedies like Airplane, and like action films too, like Bond, Indy, LOTR. I’m not too big into romantic comedies but I think I could like them if the right girl came along, so I don’t mind if she was a slight romantic comedy fan, but not a massive one.

Anyway, that’s my ideal girl, as much as I can pin her down in my mind. Of course I realise that as an ideal, it is subject to compromise. And hey, maybe as (if?) I get more experienced with relationships, I’ll get a better idea what I like and don’t like and this will change. But this is it, for now anyway…

The Ultimate Irony

The ultimate irony of my personality is this: I don’t feel happy or worthwhile unless socialising with my friends, but I am awful at socialising. Literally, I live for my friends. Without my friends I have nothing. Without my friends life is pointless because then it’s just me and I’m, well, just a boring, not particularly bright individual. What I do to pass the time, playing videogames, is pointless, and most of the time these days I can’t even be bothered to do that any more. I have no hobbies, and can’t be bothered to start one. I have no girlfriend, nor am I able to look for one. I am a worthless piece of human being that knows he’s worthless but is so stupid he can’t be bothered to get off his backside to not be worthless. I have the ability to hold a conversation as well as a television turned on in an empty room and I am as much of an extrovert as a snail who refuses to come out of his shell.

I don’t know how to end this post. I’d thought about ending it with a ‘I wish I could just die’, but that’s stupid cos I’m not suicidal, except perhaps suicidally up my own arse. Thought about ending it with ‘wish somebody would kill me’ but, again, I really have no wish to die at all, quite the opposite. I shouldn’t have mentioned it really; it’s pretty insulting to those who really are depressed and suicidal. I’m just hanging on to some strange version of American teenager drama that I can’t seem to shake off. Like I’m trying a ‘cry for help’ but without anything to cry about. Oh dear, this really is going around in all sorts of strange twisted-logic circles. Lets just end it with this: I want to live, but I currently have no reason to… and might not ever…

The Mirror

I put down the pen
I stood, wearily
Looking for
Something
To do

My eye scans the room
I stop, suddenly
Seeing
Something
To think of

It is me
In the mirror
Or so it must be
It does not seem
To be me

It moves
Just as I do
Yet it is alien
It is not me
Not as I know me

The real me
Inside the figure
That nobody knows

Perhaps one day
It will be let out
Who can say

Do You Think I Have A Disease or Something?

Over the past few days, as I’ve been musing about my friendships I’ve noticed that at uni people never want to sit next to me if they can avoid it, it’s really kinda depressing. I feel almost like I’m diseased. This feeling was also highlighted to me the other day when I was basically forced to apologise to a friend (E) about hugging her when I was drunk, even though I apologised at the time.

I suppose I do have a disease; a disease of the personality. The aversion to talking to people I don’t know and (as a consequence of this) my inability to make friends easily. I hate my personality. I really wish I could radically improve it. But I can’t. I’m stuck with this stupid personality, possibly forever.

I Am A INFJ.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions. In this I am a INFJ: Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging.

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

As this blog has proved, I think about issues a lot in my head, and don’t like to communicate them to people – hence this blog, where I can do this with anonymity.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

As many of my posts on friendship shows, I am a deeply caring people about my friends, and try to be good to them as well as I can. I wouldn’t say I’m creative though…

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

I have often mentioned my principles in this blog, which stem from my moral instinct which has evolved over my life so far, and value friendship and caring above everything else. Most of the way I think about problems go with my intuition, which usually turn out to be correct, even if I don’t always follow them, because of external influences. I like my life to be ordered, too, and lack of order does get my very annoyed – I cannot stand mess, especially mess left by my brother in my room!

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

‘Private’  and ‘secretive’ pretty much sums me up, and this existence of this blog shows that I don’t share my feelings with many people, and only trust this medium because I’ve taken all the necessary precautions to ensure I’m not discovered by anybody I know. The only exception is the one person I trust to read this blog, one of the only people who I feel I can trust with them and can understand and give advice on them.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

As I have demonstrated many times in this blog, I do genuinely love my friends, and don’t know what I’d do without them, and often when I think of them I go all warm and fuzzy inside. As I’ve said before, I hate it when I offend my friends. I also do get very angry in intense situations, especially when my Dad is yelling at me, as he often does.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.

I’ve often called stubborn by my Dad, and also by people who I have debated about politics with. I do tend to stick rigidly to my opinions, and think they are right, as my post on the BBC shows. I also constantly think I’m not good enough for a girl, or not good enough a friend to people, e.t.c. As I’ve said before, I always stick to my principles of friendships and kindness towards those who deserve it. I wouldn’t dare (consciously) go against that. I also often have high expectations of my friends, too.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

I don’t have kids, obviously, but I do love children – they’re so cute and innocent. I suppose it’s also influenced by my idolisation of my own childhood.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

That sums my up pretty well: my life isn’t easy, it’s lonely and frustrating a lot of the time, but my one ray of hope is my friends, and I love them with all my heart.

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