Posts Tagged ‘love’

The Final Goodbye

At the weekend I had my Graduation Ball. On Tuesday I had my Graduation Ceremony. I now have a B.A. (Hons.) History and Politics degree, Upper Second Class. University is officially over for me. So is this blog.

I have enjoyed writing this blog, or rather, have enjoyed the companionship which it has to some extent brought me. I have even made one or two friends through it, albeit online ones. I’ve been disappointed with the lack of comments in comparison to how many views my blog has got, but I do appreciate every comment I get, be it critical or positive ones. In the almost four years I’ve been writing, I’ve got just under 15,500 views on 572 posts (including this one). That’s about 27 views per post, even though a great majority of those are hits on my few top posts that always seem to come from odd internet searches. Probably my blog will continue to see hits long after I have stopped posting here.

I am leaving the site up for now, I am not deleting it. I will keep checking in for any comments or messages I recieve. I will probably continue to update my blog’s Twitter account (found in the side menu) for a while. Certainly if I begin to blog again I will post the new address here, should any of my old followers of this blog seek to check in on me – do not stop following the blog if you wish to do so.

I’ve had a strange life journey throughout this blog. I started off alone and unhappy. The middle section was spent madly in love with J-O. The final section was spent alone and unhappy once more. In many ways those who have followed my blog from the beginning have seen me come full circle. I thank all those who have continued to follow my fortunes since the beginning of this blog, but also those who have only recently discovered me. I thank you all.

Now it is time to say goodbye. For a while at least. I wish you all a very fond farewell, and good luck in your own lives. I will hope that I myself will have some luck too.




Songs That Catch My Mood – In The End

In the End – Linkin Park

This song caught my mood the other day, I found I could really relate to it about how I feel about J-O these days.
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
This really caught my mood. It makes me think of all the time I spent ‘waiting’ for her, over 1 1/2 years of my life that I wasted because I was ‘with’ her and was fooled into thinking we’d make it work together. How I spent all that time waiting for her, thinking she loved me, yet it was inevitably going to fail because of the way she thinks.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

The first line here reminds me of how for ages there were danger signs that I chose to ignore until it finally crashed down around me. The second line makes me think of how I am trying to move on, how I hope that my feelings for her will become just memories. The other lines, particularly the “it doesn’t even matter” bit, again makes me think of how it was probably inevitable that it would fail, not because of any actions of mine, but how she thinks ruining it.
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
This I found particularly significant because of the way she has treated me since she came to the UK, only seeing me when she wants, only talking to me when she feels like it, acting like I was hers even though she wasn’t mine. The last two lines were significant because of a previous argument before she came to the UK that, looking back, gave a strong indication towards what she would later think about ‘us’ working as a couple Southampton-to-London.
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
This relates more to my hopes, how I hope to successfully move on from J-O, leave my feelings for her behind, leave me with memories, being able to remember the good times and not feel bitter about the bad times.
Not that you knew me back then
This is an important line because it reflects my feelings that, although we talked so much when we were ‘together’ online, she doesn’t seem to have actually payed much attention; during one argument just after she started uni she said “I don’t know you”.
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Lastly, this part really strikes me. It makes me think of how I trusted her when she said that she loved me; how I trusted her when I was assured we would be together, and for a long time; how despite the distance Southampton-to-London we could make it work together. How this all came crashing down, seemingly inevitably because of her feelings on this that she made known once she was here; how it doesn’t matter what I feel, what I want, she only thinks about what she wants.

Moving On

I always find moving on from a girl rather difficult. The trouble with me is that I tend to get quite obsessed with any girl I like, they tend to occupy much of my thoughts, even if those thoughts are the same few thoughts endlessly going around. As such when I have to move on it’s rather difficult: I can’t help continuing to think about them. This usually goes on until another girl comes along, and if one doesn’t, it usually takes a very long time before I can forget about the previous girl. Usually when that happens though it’s because I completely disassociate myself with that girl (this only happened once), yet I’m not going to do this with J-O because unlike that previous girl, I think we can still be friends, I still like her as a friend (unlike the previous girl who I realised that I didn’t actually like at all, I was just blinded by her good looks).

So it’s going to be difficult, but I hope I can do it.

Perhaps It Wasn’t Love? (J-O)

Several people who follow my blog have said, basically, that I wasn’t really in love with J-O, I was simply projecting my needs onto her. Basically, that I didn’t love J-O, rather I loved the idea of J-O. I’m beginning to think there might be something in this argument.

On the one hand, I am pretty sure that when we were just knew each other online, when we seemed to have this perfect long-distance relationship where we could chat for hours on end every day on Skype, would share everything, have pet names for each other, have cute in-jokes, could do audio chat, do video chat, sometimes not even needing to talk but being content to just look at the other person, and feel happy because it felt like we had somebody. I did get to know her, she got to know me. I was in love with her, the real her.

But I think that it’s true that, once she was here and our relationship was derailed by the reality of being so far apart, along with some mistakes on my part, I perhaps fell into the trap of an idealised love. Because we only saw each other once, where we got on well, and then she decided that it didn’t and she didn’t want to see me again, I thought that if we were just together it would be just like that first day together which seemed to go so well on the day. I couldn’t see her again for months, so that idea stayed. I fooled myself into thinking I loved her, because I wanted somebody to hug and kiss, to feel like somebody loved me.

Yet there is still a part of me that thinks I do still love her for real. I’m not sure that part will ever go away. I think I will always love her. But I can control it. It will slowly wither away.

I hope…

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

Love Songs Are Depressing

I currently hate love songs. I mean, I’ve always disliked love songs, being chronically alone and etcetera, but currently I hate them, for obvious reasons (for regular readers anyway). When you’ve just realised the only girl who’s ever been interested in you is really only your friend now, and it will always be so, you do get pissed off when somebody sings a song that’s positive, saying how much they, or the third party subject of their song is having a great romance with some very nice woman.

I say this because when me and my family was having dinner the other day a James Blunt song came on and it made me feel very depressed, instantly. For some reason it also made me laugh though, which I’m not sure how to explain. Maybe it was a sort of tired, depressed kind of laughter, a sort of dark laughter, the sort crazy people in films have. The sort of laughter that somehow says, without appearing to; oh god, I’m so alone, it’s so depressing.

A Song That Makes Me Get Up and Dance Around My Room

Specifically, the part of the song which goes “haven’t you done quite enough, (I’ve?) only gone and broke my heart” (time in video = 2:25). The video is not by the band, but by some local college student’s project. Really makes me think about J-O when I sing that lyric out loud.
I also like the lyric “I wish every inch of you would lay down on my bed and tell you everything that’s been happening in my head, but it’s unlikely that you’d listen to a plea of re-admission to your heart”, which comes just before the previously mentioned lyric.

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