Posts Tagged ‘long-distance relationships’

Songs That Catch My Mood – In The End

In the End – Linkin Park

This song caught my mood the other day, I found I could really relate to it about how I feel about J-O these days.
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
This really caught my mood. It makes me think of all the time I spent ‘waiting’ for her, over 1 1/2 years of my life that I wasted because I was ‘with’ her and was fooled into thinking we’d make it work together. How I spent all that time waiting for her, thinking she loved me, yet it was inevitably going to fail because of the way she thinks.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

The first line here reminds me of how for ages there were danger signs that I chose to ignore until it finally crashed down around me. The second line makes me think of how I am trying to move on, how I hope that my feelings for her will become just memories. The other lines, particularly the “it doesn’t even matter” bit, again makes me think of how it was probably inevitable that it would fail, not because of any actions of mine, but how she thinks ruining it.
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
This I found particularly significant because of the way she has treated me since she came to the UK, only seeing me when she wants, only talking to me when she feels like it, acting like I was hers even though she wasn’t mine. The last two lines were significant because of a previous argument before she came to the UK that, looking back, gave a strong indication towards what she would later think about ‘us’ working as a couple Southampton-to-London.
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
This relates more to my hopes, how I hope to successfully move on from J-O, leave my feelings for her behind, leave me with memories, being able to remember the good times and not feel bitter about the bad times.
Not that you knew me back then
This is an important line because it reflects my feelings that, although we talked so much when we were ‘together’ online, she doesn’t seem to have actually payed much attention; during one argument just after she started uni she said “I don’t know you”.
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Lastly, this part really strikes me. It makes me think of how I trusted her when she said that she loved me; how I trusted her when I was assured we would be together, and for a long time; how despite the distance Southampton-to-London we could make it work together. How this all came crashing down, seemingly inevitably because of her feelings on this that she made known once she was here; how it doesn’t matter what I feel, what I want, she only thinks about what she wants.

Perhaps It Wasn’t Love? (J-O)

Several people who follow my blog have said, basically, that I wasn’t really in love with J-O, I was simply projecting my needs onto her. Basically, that I didn’t love J-O, rather I loved the idea of J-O. I’m beginning to think there might be something in this argument.

On the one hand, I am pretty sure that when we were just knew each other online, when we seemed to have this perfect long-distance relationship where we could chat for hours on end every day on Skype, would share everything, have pet names for each other, have cute in-jokes, could do audio chat, do video chat, sometimes not even needing to talk but being content to just look at the other person, and feel happy because it felt like we had somebody. I did get to know her, she got to know me. I was in love with her, the real her.

But I think that it’s true that, once she was here and our relationship was derailed by the reality of being so far apart, along with some mistakes on my part, I perhaps fell into the trap of an idealised love. Because we only saw each other once, where we got on well, and then she decided that it didn’t and she didn’t want to see me again, I thought that if we were just together it would be just like that first day together which seemed to go so well on the day. I couldn’t see her again for months, so that idea stayed. I fooled myself into thinking I loved her, because I wanted somebody to hug and kiss, to feel like somebody loved me.

Yet there is still a part of me that thinks I do still love her for real. I’m not sure that part will ever go away. I think I will always love her. But I can control it. It will slowly wither away.

I hope…

Fighting My Feelings

Separated by 1750 miles
We were strong together
Yet separated by 75
You could not handle it

We’re now part-time lovers
With it you have no issue
I’m finding it hard to fight it;
I really, really miss you

When all we did was kiss
It was easier to bear
Now I’ve spent the night with you
My feelings don’t compare

Longing again fills me
My thoughts of you are warm
My love is resurrected
My mind is now a storm

I managed to keep my head
After our connection before
But now I’ve been that close to you
I can’t help wanting more

Our First Night Together

You lay there in bed
Watching me passively
I take off my trousers and
Look at you nervously

I pull back the covers
I lay down tentatively
You pull me close and
Put my arm around you

The warmth of your body
Flowed through my skin
The feeling of companionship and
Togetherness warmed my heart

After waiting so long
For this moment to come
My dream had come true and
It was even nicer than thought

To just lie there with you
Our bodies entwined
Was the greatest feeling;
I was content in my mind

6 Months Down The Line

I was just thinking, as I was sitting on the train today, that’s it’s been about 6 months since J-O came to London, and so 6 months since me and J-O last talked properly. I couldn’t believe it’s been that long. I supposed it doesn’t seem to long because I’ve been checking her facebook profile every day, so know a lot of what she’s been up to without talking to her.

It got me thinking. I wonder if I’d still feel as strongly as I still do about her if I hadn’t been checking her facebook regularly, if I’d de-friended her as one of my Twitter followers has suggest. I mean, literally, apart from the 3 times I’ve met up with her in the past 6 months (that’s only once every two months!), we’ve not properly talked, not even had a proper conversation on Skype or facebook chat.

She said she wants to be friends but we never talk. She says we can use this time to get to know each other, but we never meet up. She says she would like to try again in the future, but she’s ignoring me now. Maybe I should just end it…

But I won’t. Why? Because it’s the only thing in my life right now that looks like it might hold something positive in store for the future. Even though it’s not positive now.

A Big Project

Skype recently changed their set of emoticons and I hated them, so I decided to downgrade to a previous version. This got me thinking about things. How we are subject to the whims of tech companies who want to change their product. I don’t think it’s good to rely on them since they often make bad decisions such as this. After that I decided that I would get my Skype message history with J-O and export it so I could view it outside Skype.

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to do this. Apparently, older version used to be able to export your chat history to a HTML file, but that’s no longer possible. So I had to go into the chat history and select ‘See history’ then ‘Messages from: All time”. That took about 10 minutes to load up, almost crashing Skype, because it’s almost 1 1/2 years worth of chatting almost every day (although slightly less time than that because I’m only doing her old account tonight, she had a newer account since then). I then had to copy and paste it into Notepad++.

However, when I tried to save it as a HTML file I realised it would just be one endless line without formatting. So I used the TextFX plugin’s ‘find/replace’ feature to insert <br> tags at the start of each message line. But when I then loaded it up in my browser I realised there were no emoticons. However, I happened to have, so I could post them on here, the full set of (now old) Skype emoticons. So I again used ‘find/replace’ several times for the different emoticons, turning them from just text – e.g. : ) – into emoticons, e.g. . It looks a lot better now but ideally I’d like to break it up so which day/month it is is more clear, but that will be one hell of a job so I’ll leave it until I have a lot more time on my hands.

The only trouble was that, once I’d done it, I had to check how it looked. And of course, I couldn’t help but start reading it. I read all of it until the day I asked her out, which was 2 months after she’d contacted me, during which we’d been talking to each other pretty much every day. I also looked at random times after that. What struck me was how innocent it all was, how perfect it was. It was amazing that we would be happy to talk to each other every day, and we’d always say nice things about each other. We’d be able to find the most mundane things interesting. How we’d say how strongly we felt about each other, how much we wanted to meet and do so many things together.

I really miss that. I miss having somebody I could talk to every day. I miss having somebody I can talk with about anything. I miss hearing about her day, her feelings, her concerns, her dreams. I miss all the nice things we’d say to each other, the hopes we’d share, the times we’d spend just looking at each other via webcam, how we were content just lying in bed together, our microphones on, just listening to each other breathe for a while before we go to bed. You can argue it wasn’t real. She sometimes says it wasn’t real. But it felt real to both of us at the time. It still feels real to me now. I don’t want to lose that, even though I’ve already lost it.

At least I still have the memories…

Missing Her

I miss being able to talk to her every day. I miss hearing about her day, her asking me about my day. The little things. A smilie. A kiss emoticon. Using one of our pet names. Talking to her through Skype audio or video chat. Going to bed at the same time. Saying goodnight to each other. Lying in our beds while we have our webcams on and just talking for a while, or just lying there, staring into each other’s eyes.

I miss her so much. I miss what we had. I wish we could go back to how things were.

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