Posts Tagged ‘long-distance relationship’

Perhaps It Wasn’t Love? (J-O)

Several people who follow my blog have said, basically, that I wasn’t really in love with J-O, I was simply projecting my needs onto her. Basically, that I didn’t love J-O, rather I loved the idea of J-O. I’m beginning to think there might be something in this argument.

On the one hand, I am pretty sure that when we were just knew each other online, when we seemed to have this perfect long-distance relationship where we could chat for hours on end every day on Skype, would share everything, have pet names for each other, have cute in-jokes, could do audio chat, do video chat, sometimes not even needing to talk but being content to just look at the other person, and feel happy because it felt like we had somebody. I did get to know her, she got to know me. I was in love with her, the real her.

But I think that it’s true that, once she was here and our relationship was derailed by the reality of being so far apart, along with some mistakes on my part, I perhaps fell into the trap of an idealised love. Because we only saw each other once, where we got on well, and then she decided that it didn’t and she didn’t want to see me again, I thought that if we were just together it would be just like that first day together which seemed to go so well on the day. I couldn’t see her again for months, so that idea stayed. I fooled myself into thinking I loved her, because I wanted somebody to hug and kiss, to feel like somebody loved me.

Yet there is still a part of me that thinks I do still love her for real. I’m not sure that part will ever go away. I think I will always love her. But I can control it. It will slowly wither away.

I hope…


Fighting My Feelings

Separated by 1750 miles
We were strong together
Yet separated by 75
You could not handle it

We’re now part-time lovers
With it you have no issue
I’m finding it hard to fight it;
I really, really miss you

When all we did was kiss
It was easier to bear
Now I’ve spent the night with you
My feelings don’t compare

Longing again fills me
My thoughts of you are warm
My love is resurrected
My mind is now a storm

I managed to keep my head
After our connection before
But now I’ve been that close to you
I can’t help wanting more

Our First Night Together

You lay there in bed
Watching me passively
I take off my trousers and
Look at you nervously

I pull back the covers
I lay down tentatively
You pull me close and
Put my arm around you

The warmth of your body
Flowed through my skin
The feeling of companionship and
Togetherness warmed my heart

After waiting so long
For this moment to come
My dream had come true and
It was even nicer than thought

To just lie there with you
Our bodies entwined
Was the greatest feeling;
I was content in my mind

6 Months Down The Line

I was just thinking, as I was sitting on the train today, that’s it’s been about 6 months since J-O came to London, and so 6 months since me and J-O last talked properly. I couldn’t believe it’s been that long. I supposed it doesn’t seem to long because I’ve been checking her facebook profile every day, so know a lot of what she’s been up to without talking to her.

It got me thinking. I wonder if I’d still feel as strongly as I still do about her if I hadn’t been checking her facebook regularly, if I’d de-friended her as one of my Twitter followers has suggest. I mean, literally, apart from the 3 times I’ve met up with her in the past 6 months (that’s only once every two months!), we’ve not properly talked, not even had a proper conversation on Skype or facebook chat.

She said she wants to be friends but we never talk. She says we can use this time to get to know each other, but we never meet up. She says she would like to try again in the future, but she’s ignoring me now. Maybe I should just end it…

But I won’t. Why? Because it’s the only thing in my life right now that looks like it might hold something positive in store for the future. Even though it’s not positive now.

A Big Project

Skype recently changed their set of emoticons and I hated them, so I decided to downgrade to a previous version. This got me thinking about things. How we are subject to the whims of tech companies who want to change their product. I don’t think it’s good to rely on them since they often make bad decisions such as this. After that I decided that I would get my Skype message history with J-O and export it so I could view it outside Skype.

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to do this. Apparently, older version used to be able to export your chat history to a HTML file, but that’s no longer possible. So I had to go into the chat history and select ‘See history’ then ‘Messages from: All time”. That took about 10 minutes to load up, almost crashing Skype, because it’s almost 1 1/2 years worth of chatting almost every day (although slightly less time than that because I’m only doing her old account tonight, she had a newer account since then). I then had to copy and paste it into Notepad++.

However, when I tried to save it as a HTML file I realised it would just be one endless line without formatting. So I used the TextFX plugin’s ‘find/replace’ feature to insert <br> tags at the start of each message line. But when I then loaded it up in my browser I realised there were no emoticons. However, I happened to have, so I could post them on here, the full set of (now old) Skype emoticons. So I again used ‘find/replace’ several times for the different emoticons, turning them from just text – e.g. : ) – into emoticons, e.g. . It looks a lot better now but ideally I’d like to break it up so which day/month it is is more clear, but that will be one hell of a job so I’ll leave it until I have a lot more time on my hands.

The only trouble was that, once I’d done it, I had to check how it looked. And of course, I couldn’t help but start reading it. I read all of it until the day I asked her out, which was 2 months after she’d contacted me, during which we’d been talking to each other pretty much every day. I also looked at random times after that. What struck me was how innocent it all was, how perfect it was. It was amazing that we would be happy to talk to each other every day, and we’d always say nice things about each other. We’d be able to find the most mundane things interesting. How we’d say how strongly we felt about each other, how much we wanted to meet and do so many things together.

I really miss that. I miss having somebody I could talk to every day. I miss having somebody I can talk with about anything. I miss hearing about her day, her feelings, her concerns, her dreams. I miss all the nice things we’d say to each other, the hopes we’d share, the times we’d spend just looking at each other via webcam, how we were content just lying in bed together, our microphones on, just listening to each other breathe for a while before we go to bed. You can argue it wasn’t real. She sometimes says it wasn’t real. But it felt real to both of us at the time. It still feels real to me now. I don’t want to lose that, even though I’ve already lost it.

At least I still have the memories…

Missing Her

I miss being able to talk to her every day. I miss hearing about her day, her asking me about my day. The little things. A smilie. A kiss emoticon. Using one of our pet names. Talking to her through Skype audio or video chat. Going to bed at the same time. Saying goodnight to each other. Lying in our beds while we have our webcams on and just talking for a while, or just lying there, staring into each other’s eyes.

I miss her so much. I miss what we had. I wish we could go back to how things were.

The Dilemma

Today I went on facebook
Checked your profile
Saw you had photos
I looked for a while

There I can see you
In your cute little dress
Looking so pretty and happy
My tears, I cannot repress

Your new friends can cheer you
While I cannot now
My persuasion to keep me
Seems so selfish now

I wish I could make you
Happy with me once more
Instead of seeming to
Regard me as a chore

I hope to rekindle
That spark once again
But if I should let her go
I will be forever in pain

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