Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

The Final Goodbye

At the weekend I had my Graduation Ball. On Tuesday I had my Graduation Ceremony. I now have a B.A. (Hons.) History and Politics degree, Upper Second Class. University is officially over for me. So is this blog.

I have enjoyed writing this blog, or rather, have enjoyed the companionship which it has to some extent brought me. I have even made one or two friends through it, albeit online ones. I’ve been disappointed with the lack of comments in comparison to how many views my blog has got, but I do appreciate every comment I get, be it critical or positive ones. In the almost four years I’ve been writing, I’ve got just under 15,500 views on 572 posts (including this one). That’s about 27 views per post, even though a great majority of those are hits on my few top posts that always seem to come from odd internet searches. Probably my blog will continue to see hits long after I have stopped posting here.

I am leaving the site up for now, I am not deleting it. I will keep checking in for any comments or messages I recieve. I will probably continue to update my blog’s Twitter account (found in the side menu) for a while. Certainly if I begin to blog again I will post the new address here, should any of my old followers of this blog seek to check in on me – do not stop following the blog if you wish to do so.

I’ve had a strange life journey throughout this blog. I started off alone and unhappy. The middle section was spent madly in love with J-O. The final section was spent alone and unhappy once more. In many ways those who have followed my blog from the beginning have seen me come full circle. I thank all those who have continued to follow my fortunes since the beginning of this blog, but also those who have only recently discovered me. I thank you all.

Now it is time to say goodbye. For a while at least. I wish you all a very fond farewell, and good luck in your own lives. I will hope that I myself will have some luck too.





It’s the weekend
I crawl out of bed
I venture out my door
The house is dead

I venture downstairs
Unsure what to do
I feel kinda lost,
Without purpose

I stare at the floor
My mind has gone blank
Not knowing why I’m here
I retire back to my room

I sit on the sofa there
I turn on my PS3
But I just stop and stare
I cannot decide what to play

So instead I sit here
Writing out this feeling
In the hope that this act
Would make it disappear

Trying to Hold Firm

I’m sat here
staring out the window
as the world rushes by
as it always has

I’m sat here
trying to weather the storm
as waves of despair crash over me
more intense than ever before

I’m sat here
trying to stay in control
as my stomach slowly churns
as my mouth turns dry

I’m sat here
my will is failing
I put my hand over my face
as my eyes gently weep

I’m sat here
hoping nobody notices
as the train pulls into the station
my eyes force themselves dry

I step out the door
I draw myself up
it’s time for another day
as I slowly wither inside

What Can You Say?

What can you say
When the hope flies away
Once more

What can you say
When the weather turns grey
Once more

What can you say
When your heart is astray
Once more

What can you say
When your life drains away
Once more?

J-R Now Has A Boyfriend

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

My Current Fear

Today J-O started her new life as a university student, and thinking about that lead me to a new fear. I fear that as she makes new friends and meets a lot of nice, interesting guys, she won’t have any need for me at all.

Here’s my reasoning (as such): most of the time we were ‘together’ online, it was at a time when she had finished high school and all her friends were starting university, either in another country or another city. She was lonely. Therefore she latched onto me, who was just nice enough, to keep her company for that time. It meant she wasn’t alone. But now, she’ll have new friends and more interesting people around her. She won’t need me to keep her company, and the other guys will be much more interesting to be with and will be more knowledgeable about relationships and therefore better to be with.

I dunno, I’m probably being a tad paranoid and I’m certainly being characteristically defeatist. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

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