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Posts Tagged ‘loneliness’

What Can You Say?

What can you say
When the hope flies away
Once more

What can you say
When the weather turns grey
Once more

What can you say
When your heart is astray
Once more

What can you say
When your life drains away
Once more?

J-R Now Has A Boyfriend

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

Loneliness

I think my last year at uni will be defined, much like most of my first year, by loneliness. I’ve probably lost J-O, and if I haven’t, then I think I have had enough of her anyway. I won’t be making any friends this year, probably. I signed up for the politics and debating society, but now I’m not sure if I will even go. My existing female friends, I think I’ve also had enough of, as they only serve to remind me of my loneliness and my behavior towards them when I’m drunk, of getting quite friendly but only insofar as hugging, is annoying them and embarrassing me. I don’t know what to do about my male friends, maybe I’ll keep them, but I suspect they will become less relevant anyway, as mostly guys aren’t bothered about keeping in contact.

That’s my current thoughts on the subject of loneliness anyway. If I follow through these ideas is another matter entirely. Since it’s mostly a product of my current mood, it may fade as I recover from what has been going on these last few months; two funerals and my ongoing J-O problems (which aren’t ongoing any more, by the looks of things). Who knows. All I know is, I’m in a bad place right now and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be anything that could lift my spirits.

Disaster

Yesterday it emerged that J-O will be coming to the UK tomorrow, where she will meet the family she will be working for (as an Au Pair) – I think she will start working on Monday. Why is that a disaster? I’ll tell you.

When she talked to the agency people about it yesterday, they said there might not be anybody to pick her up from the airport, and they gave her directions to this family’s house – by bus. They’re expecting her to turn up in a foreign country, a unfamiliar city, and be able to navigate around it with no problems at all. I don’t know what the hell these people are smoking.

Understandably, she was upset about this, and she asked if I could meet her at the airport. Given that this was only 2 days warning, that I had to get permission from my parents, get a £55, 6:55 train just to get their 2 hours after she lands, I said I doubt I would be able to do it.

Somewhat understandably, she didn’t like this. She got very upset with me. She said that she needs somebody she can trust, suggesting that she cannot trust me any more. Today, she won’t talk to me at all. Now, I can understand that she is upset at this – I know I would be. But there’s no need to take it out on me. I can’t just drop everything and go and meet her after 2 days notice. I’ve done my best to be supportive. It’s just something that’s not achievable for me.

I can’t believe that, after 1 year and 4 months of waiting for her to come over, she is about to throw it away just over this. Yes, she has a right to be upset that nobody will meet her at the airport. She has the right to be upset at me for not being able to meet her there. But to throw away what we have, something this special, seems to me to be just silly.

I really hope I don’t lose her. She is the only thing positive thing in my life right now. I don’t know what I would do without her.

It Was a Great Night…

I had a great night tonight. We went to several clubs (90s and Reflex) and we had many drinks and danced a lot. It was great apart from the end of Reflex, when they played a song about people in relationships or something like that. All my friends kept dancing at that point, but I leant against a pillar and started thinking about how alone I was. I just wish I had someone. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

The Road I Know

It does not hurt
If you turn away
It’s the pretending
That brings the pain

Why must you torture me
Not admitting what I suspect
Put me out of my misery
Throw me back to the fire

I can handle the heat
I know the road

I’d rather have
The certainty of that road
Than the pain of a road
I know I should not be on

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