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New Years

I am writing most of this on the train as I head back to Southampton, on the WordPress Android app, to ensure I don’t forget anything important. I have decided to do this post by topic rather than a story of how the time went, because otherwise this post would be so long nobody would read it. It’s long enough as it is! So, here goes:

Me vs roommate: J-O said that she has been living with her roommate for months, and in comparison “you are like a stranger to me.” Her roommate also seems to know, at the very least, that I like J-O. She said something along those lines on the first day, though I can’t remember now exactly what she said.

J-O vs roomate’s friend: J-O’s roommate had 2 friends, one of which stayed over in J-O’s room on Saturday night, while her roomate and other friend slept in a friend’s room. J-O complained that when the beds were put together (which was J-O’s idea) that the friend was too close to me. J-O said she was annoyed when her roommate’s friend hugged me when we were out on Westminster Bridge (when J-O was dancing with random guys!), because “she shouldn’t hug somebody she doesn’t know. Doesn’t she know that you are mine?” I asked J-O if I was only her’s when I got close to another girl. She replied that “you can do what you want. Just it did not make me feel good.” Hypocritical much?

Me and roommate’s friend: I somehow ended up telling the basics of me and J-O to her. She said she could relate to my problem and tried to give me advice. I thought she seemed nice, since she was interested in my problems with J-O, but J-O and J-O’s roommate’s other friend didn’t like her. When J-O said she didn’t like her I said thought she was nice. J-O immediately asked “do you like her?”, to which I replied, “I don’t like like her, I just think she seemed nice.” She seemed satisfied with this.

Me and J-O: she only let me kiss her on the lips a few times. When we were sleeping together I did most of the hugging and almost all of the (non-lip) kissing, though she always wanted to intwine her legs with mine whenever we moved. She was wearing just a t-shirt (my Christmas present to her) and (purple, sort of lacey) panties and I started off staying fully clothed. About halfway through the night she suggested I take my trousers off, and I did; later I decided to take my shirt off, too, leaving me wearing just pants. She got up a few times for various reasons, and it was so sexy watching her move in just that; especially when she had to bent over once or twice. She let me touch her though (not like her boobs or lady-parts but anywhere else) and once, when I had my hand on her bottom, she asked how it was. I said it was very nice, it was sexy. I asked if she minded me touching her there, and she said she didn’t mind. We did kiss on the lips at midnight, the first time I have done such a thing. We watched two films together and both times she was very content to snuggle up with me.  Once I put my finger on her lips and she sort of licked it, which was sexy. Her snuggling up to me, hugging me, closing her eyes as she did so, sometimes falling asleep, was cute, but I couldn’t help thinking it was a bit selfish; she could take advantage of me being there, could snuggle up with me, lean on me, not be lonely, yet I was not able, mostly, to kiss her on the lips, or do anything to please me; all I could do was to enjoy her presence, kiss her on the forehead or cheek, not dare, apart from once or twice, to kiss her on the lips. Again when we slept together I hardly got any sleep.

J-O stuff: I learned she kissed random boys in clubs before. When we were on Westminster Bridge after the fireworks (we couldn’t get there before the fireworks, though we could sort of see them where we were) she danced with a lot of random guys and said happy new year to basically everyone she passed by. She wanted me to stay the night again on Sunday night, but I thought there would not be much point cos I wouldn’t get much sleep and have to do uni work the next day. After I texted her that I got home safely, she called me to see how I was. In the background I could hear her roommate shouting occasionally, and I heard that the three of them (the other friend had gone by then) had a bath together and that they had “seen her cooker”. J-O asked what it meant and it was her, ahem, ‘lady-parts’. On fb chat this morning I joked that when I heard that, ‘I wish I had stayed in the end’.

On her coming over on 21st: her roommate’s friend was from Southampton, it turned out. We started talking about J-O coming to Southampton and J-O told her about the fact she would be only there for 6 hours. J-O’s roommate’s friend then offered for J-O to stay the night at hers, since J-O wasn’t comfortable staying at mine (supposedly because she didn’t want the first time she met my parents to be when she was sleeping over, because they might not like her. I tried to say it was ok, but she wouldn’t concede on this). J-O said she had already booked the coach tickets. Today I found out that if J-O cancelled the tickets 72 hours before her coach was due, she would receive a full refund. I said about this on chat and she said: “mmmm okay. lets discuss it tonight okay. please remind me”. I said ok. I doubt she will go for it, and if she does I am sure she would still insist on staying at her roommate’s friend house not mine. At least she’s prepared to talk about it though.

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Kissing: Learning on the Job

Before J-O I’d never kissed a girl before; she’d had boyfriends before, one for over a year. As such the kissing is not great for her. Ordinary kissing is fine, because it’s just natural. It’s ‘french kissing’ that is difficult, since it’s something that’s invented by humans (supposedly because some french village banned sex. Or something. Though that may be something that would set off a klaxon in the ‘General Ignorance’ section of QI). Although I’m not sure that it was ‘invented’ actually. Perhaps it’s just more difficult. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m digressing. The point is, it’s difficult to get good at. I’m getting pretty good at doing an ordinary french kiss, where you sort of use your tongues for a few seconds, finish the kiss (as in bringing your lips together, you know. It’s difficult to describe these things in writing, isn’t it?) and start over again.

However, last week when we were in bed kissing she showed me how to french kiss for longer, a sort of french kiss that lasts for a minute or so. With it you don’t exactly kiss, I’d say. I mean, your mouths are in the kissing position but your lips aren’t really doing anything, it’s just the tongues move around. Now, I don’t know if I was doing it wrong (though she didn’t say I was doing it wrong so I assume I was doing what she wanted) but it seemed strange to me. It was pretty much just our tongues doing a strange dance around each other; not so much touching, rubbing against each other but sort of exploring around the sides of each other’s tongues. It was really strange to me, it didn’t really seem like kissing at all; I found it quite boring actually.

So I’d like to ask you, my readers: does this sound like (A) she’s kissing in a strange way (B) I was doing it wrong but she didn’t tell me (which would be strange as she’d just been directing me on how to kiss a few seconds before) or (C) I was doing it right and it’s strange that I didn’t like it.

3rd J-O Meet-Up

This is going to be a long post because a lot of stuff happened – and didn’t happen – yesterday. For most of the day it seemed to be going fine. I was helping her with her uni work: finding books, photocopying them, explaining some terms to her. We had a bit of lunch and I accompanied her to the bank. But even then I should have seen the signs. I did see them, but I choose to ignore them. She wouldn’t kiss me on the lips, she introduced me to her uni friends as “a friend” and I noticed she didn’t have the necklace I gave her on. Yet she was still kissing me on the cheek and holding my hand.

At one point we were in her room and she wanted to take a break from her work, so she laid down on the bed (well, she was on her room-mate’s bed and I was on her bed, but they were pushed together) with a blanket to cover her, and I went to lie next to her, and she told me not to. But I did it anyway. At first I was hugging her from behind, then she turned over, covered us both with the blanket and hugged me tightly. After about 10 minutes of this I asked if I could kiss her. She said “no”. I asked “why?”. She said “because we’re just friends”.

That hit me like a brick wall. I’d seen the signs but chose to ignore them, because there was positive signs too. I can honestly say she was giving out mixed signals, not all negative, as I’ve already explained. I asked, if we were just friends, why we were hugging like this. She said something like “because it feels good.” A few minutes later she got on top of me and kissed me on the cheek, then I kissed her on the lips. She didn’t stop me kissing her, but she asked “why did you kiss me?”. I said “why did you let it happen?”. She didn’t answer that. She asked “why” again, and I said “to remind you”. I started crying and she told me to stop. I said I couldn’t stop. She asked “why?”, but I didn’t answer, because I didn’t want to burden her with what I wanted to say (‘I love you’). After a few minutes she said she had to get on with her work, so I went and sat on a chair in the corner, looking out of the window.

So many things were going through my mind then. I thought about how I’d be alone for years now. Then I thought about how she keeps sending out mixed signals, how she made me hope, by what happened at our second meet-up, that we could still be together on the days we were together. I got kind of angry. After 15 mins or so she got up and told me she couldn’t concentrate when she felt she was ignoring me, so I said I would go home. I was about to leave when she decided to show me the common room, where the other students were watching a movie. She said that I could stay there until the movie was over, then come up and see her in her room, and she would be fine with that because she knows I would be ok there. After it was over I went back up and we made some tea together, and she made me some dinner. But because of what happened I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling sick, so I didn’t eat it. As we sat there in the kitchen, I tried to avoid looking at her. I saw her trying to look at me several times, smiling at me, but I just looked away.

For a few minutes we went to her room and sat down on her bed. She said she wanted to talk. She said that she felt to exhausted by the work. I reassured her that it would be ok in time, and she agreed. Then she said she wanted to know what I was feeling, why I was disappointed when all she’d done is told me again what she’d said before. I said that I thought, because of what happened last time we met, that we could still be together when we meet up. She said she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. I said that I knew that, I wasn’t asking for that, I was just asking for us to enjoy each other’s company, be together, when we did meet. She asked how we would spend nights together as she was still in a shared room, and I admitted we couldn’t. She thought about it for a few seconds, and said “ok”. I asked “ok?”. She said “ok.”

Then she said for me to go back down to watch the other movie her friends were just starting to watch, Inception. She insisted I take her blanket, but I said only if she came down with me and gave it to me. She sat me down and ensured I got comfortable, put the blanket over me, and kissed me on the forehead. She told me to come back up to her when the movie was over. As I sat there I wondered; was she really “ok” with what I said, or did she say it just to stop me being upset, to save her own feelings? When I went back up to see her after the film was over, she was in bed, almost asleep. I said I better go, but she insisted on walking me to the Tube station. As we were going out she saw some friends of hers, and we walked to the station with them. When we said goodbye to each other, we hugged, but we didn’t kiss. That again left me wondering if she really meant it.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to see what happens next time. If there is a next time.

Missing Her

When she can’t kiss me
I kiss myself

When she can’t hug me
I imagine it

When she can’t lie in bed with me
I imagine it

When she can’t touch me
I touch myself

When she can’t be with me
I think of her

I can’t stop thinking of her
I can’t stop wishing she was here

First Kiss Poll – Results

You may remember a while ago that I made a poll, asking people at what age they had their first kiss.Well, I decided to count the results now.

The median age, it turns out, is 15. I thought it was strange that absolutely nobody had their first kiss at 17, 18 or 19, which suggests to me that either you have you first kiss early, by 16, and those that don’t then turn into ‘late bloomers’, who don’t have their first kiss until they were out of their teens.

It could be that the failure to get a first kiss by 16 means that people then end up not having confidence through their main teenage years (main years relationship-wise) and so don’t have their first kiss until they are no longer a teenager, as their confidence grows now they don’t worry about relationships as teenagers do. Either that or I just didn’t get anybody who’d had their first kiss then by chance.

Anyway, the poll is still open if people want to vote, and if people do vote after this post, then maybe in a few weeks time I can look again at the results and see if it changes or not. Anyway, here are the full results:

When did you have your first kiss?

Answer Votes Percent
Earlier (please specify) 2 20%
14 2 20%
15 2 20%
16 2 20%
20 2 20%
17 0 0%
18 0 0%
19 0 0%
Later (please specify) 0 0%

It’s Over

Well, it looks like it’s all over for me and J-O. I was supposed to meet her in London tomorrow for an emergency talk, but today she ignored my calls and texts until late in the evening, when she finally texted me “Stop texting me, since I haven’t been answering for ages, just leave me”. And so, unless she eventually comes crawling back – which I very much doubt, I’m alone once more, for the first time in 1 year and 5 months (almost exactly).

It’ll probably take a while to get used to. Then I’ll be back to my old self – depressed, bored, lonely, wondering if I’ll ever find a girlfriend.

At least this experience has given me a few good things: my first kiss, learning how to french kiss (although I’ll probably forget how to do that by the time the next girl comes along) and… well, that’s all I can think of right now as positives. I can think of plenty of negatives. But I won’t go into the right now. What I will do is go to bed, because I am very tired – physically anyway but now emotionally too.

Expect either a lot of stuff on my blog soon, or nothing at all…

My First Meeting With J-O

Right, yesterday I promised that I would finally write about how my first meeting with J-O went on Thursday. In my love-crazed state a few days ago, I wrote every little detail I could recall about the trip in a Word document. However, it mostly talks about kissing e.t.c so I’ll heavily edit it and add other bits to made it more of a general, rather than more personal, account of the day. Here goes.

I was supposed to meet her at Waterloo station. Unfortunatly, she came out of one of the many Waterloo Underground entrances and didn’t bother looking for the station, so I had to go find her. That took about 15 minutes. As I came around the corner to an entrance I see her, for a few seconds not quite recognising her because of her hair. I then said as much to her. She says hello, comes up to me and hugs me. It feels so nice. I notice her height, that she just comes up to my chin. We ask each other how we are, and then decide to go through the barrier to the underground, to go see Buckingham Palace. After we go through, she holds my hand. It’s the first time I’ve held hands with a girl. While we are walking along the tunnel to get to the tube platform, I keep smiling and looking at her. She keeps asking if I am ok. I can hardly believe what is happening.

When we are on the tube, I lean on a wall, she stands in front of me and hugs me. I hold her tightly , so much that she doesn’t need to hold on to the bar. I say as much to her when I see her reaching for the bar when the train stops at the next station. It felt so nice.

Unfortunately, due to the time it took to find her, we missed the first 10 minutes of the Changing of the Guard and couldn’t see anyway because of the amount of people. Then it started to rain and we took shelter in Green Park. We then made our way towards Trafalgar Square, where we went into Cafe Nero to have lunch. After this, we walk along Whitehall, to Parliament then go to Westminster Bridge. She wants to see Tower Bridge, but it cannot be seen from there.

Just before we move towards the tube station, I suddenly, without much thought, in a spontaneous, natural moment, lean my head in to kiss her on the lips. I see her close her eyes and we kiss. I close my eyes too. I can smell her; it is a lovely, sweet smell. I don’t even notice we are in a public place. This is my first kiss. We stop, smile, then move on, not saying anything about what just happened.

We got and visit Westminster University, as she needs to sort out some things. Then we head to PC World, where I help her buy a laptop. It’s an ordeal that lasts about 45 mins. Luckily I manage to prevent them from selling her Microsoft Office and security software, telling her she could get software just as good on the internet for free (OpenOffice and AVG in conjunction with Windows Defender). We then go sit in Pizza Hut for a bit. Unfortunately this is when I begin to feel ill. ‘Great, just what I need, on this day of all days’, I thought to myself.

After that we walk down to Earl’s Court, and at one point we cross a road with an island in the middle. We had to stop at the island, and when we did, something unexpected and nice happened.

She pulls me around to her, we hug and she reaches up and we kiss for a minute or so; at one point she tries using her tongue, but I don’t know what to do, so we just kiss normally. Then I realise we can cross, we stop and as we are walking across I say ‘you were distracting me’  and we both smile to each other. Eventually we get to Earl’s Court. From there we decide to go to the pub I had been recommended to by a friend.

When we are there, my stomach keeps acting up but we still have a nice meal. We were sitting at a table for four, opposite each other, but once we’ve finished eating, J-O moves around and sits next to me. We kiss several times more, and she tries using her tongue again, and the first time it almost works; but after one almost-successful attempt at putting my tongue in her mouth, I stop and just kiss normally. A few minutes later, we try again, and this time I am able to use my tongue, and we begin making out. It’s such a good feeling, especially when the other person initiates the kissing. A few times I opened my eyes while doing it, and I just thought that it is so sweet how she looks when kissing me; the closed eyes suggesting she is really enjoying it. Even though I know closing your eyes is what you must do, I still think about it in that way.

We eventually realise it is later than we thought, and decide to go out of the pub and go our separate ways. We get off the train at Leicester Square. I think we might have to go our separate ways then, but then I realise we will both be travelling on the same line in opposite directions. We find the platforms, which are directly opposite each other. I lean against the wall adjacent to the platforms and we hug. I lean in and we make out again. She pokes her finger into a hole in my shirt between the buttons, touching my skin. I move my hand up from her waist and feel one of her boobs for a few seconds. Both trains arrive at the same time and we stop kissing. She says (referring to the touching) “just a few seconds” and smiles. I kiss her again. I say to her “I could do that all day”. She says, “our trains are here, we better go. Goodbye”. I reply “goodbye” and as I do so, the train doors open and she pushes me towards them. I reluctantly get on the train. She gets on hers. I watch as the doors close on both trains. She is looking at me, smiling. I smile too. Suddenly, the train pulls away, and she is gone.

It is not until the next day, when I am at work, that I remember the way we parted. I almost begin to cry as I realise I will not see her for about a week; I will not be able to hug her, to kiss her, to be with her. But I don’t. I just hope that I see her again and am thankful that she made us part in a way that kept me feeling happy, not thinking any sad thoughts.

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