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The Final Goodbye

At the weekend I had my Graduation Ball. On Tuesday I had my Graduation Ceremony. I now have a B.A. (Hons.) History and Politics degree, Upper Second Class. University is officially over for me. So is this blog.

I have enjoyed writing this blog, or rather, have enjoyed the companionship which it has to some extent brought me. I have even made one or two friends through it, albeit online ones. I’ve been disappointed with the lack of comments in comparison to how many views my blog has got, but I do appreciate every comment I get, be it critical or positive ones. In the almost four years I’ve been writing, I’ve got just under 15,500 views on 572 posts (including this one). That’s about 27 views per post, even though a great majority of those are hits on my few top posts that always seem to come from odd internet searches. Probably my blog will continue to see hits long after I have stopped posting here.

I am leaving the site up for now, I am not deleting it. I will keep checking in for any comments or messages I recieve. I will probably continue to update my blog’s Twitter account (found in the side menu) for a while. Certainly if I begin to blog again I will post the new address here, should any of my old followers of this blog seek to check in on me – do not stop following the blog if you wish to do so.

I’ve had a strange life journey throughout this blog. I started off alone and unhappy. The middle section was spent madly in love with J-O. The final section was spent alone and unhappy once more. In many ways those who have followed my blog from the beginning have seen me come full circle. I thank all those who have continued to follow my fortunes since the beginning of this blog, but also those who have only recently discovered me. I thank you all.

Now it is time to say goodbye. For a while at least. I wish you all a very fond farewell, and good luck in your own lives. I will hope that I myself will have some luck too.

Goodbye.

    AnonymousTeenager

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An Injustice (J-O)

This morning when I woke up I had a thought. A thought about one major injustice in my recent life. That me and J-O were ‘together’ for over a year and yet I never had sex with her, whereas this new boyfriend of hers has not known her nearly as long, nor will have been in a relationship with her for anywhere near as long, yet will probably get to have sex with her soon, if they haven’t had sex already. Read more…

Grad Ball, No J-O

I talked to J-O last night about the Grad Ball. She said: ” i cannot come next weekend today the mother talked to me. she flies to Honk Kong next weekend and i have to look afetr the kids. i am gonna be working. there is noone else that can look after them”. I just said “yeah ok”. I tried to talk but after about 5 mins she stopped replying and went offline.

For a few mins I was kinda ok with it, but very quickly I started getting upset. I even cried a tiny bit. I dunno, I expected her to say she couldn’t come, but I did kinda get my hopes up actually. I knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her, and I was kinda hoping that it would be a nice final time together, instead of us just stopping talking to each other and drifting apart. I had also entertained the possibility that, because she would be staying in my house, in my room, that something might happen. I feel like such an idiot. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel come the actual Ball. Hopefully I’ll just enjoy it and not think about her. I hope…

EDIT: Ok, I actually wrote this last night, from when you’re reading it, and after I wrote all that above, I started chatting to a friend who is also friends with J-O on fb, and apparently J-O has been ‘in a relationship’ for at least two weeks, but it’s obviously hidden from me by her in her settings. I dunno, it’s probably a good thing. It’s funny how it’s the complete opposite of what she said to me a while back, that she “doesn’t think [she] could have a relationship with anyone here” cos of the distance involved compared to her home town. I’m tempted to tell her that I know, but I won’t, it will just make her angry. Fuck her. I more care that she felt she had to hide it than that she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. Fuck her, I don’t need her bullshit.

Edit #2: I continued talking with my friend and she convinced me to move on. I deleted all the photos of J-O from my phone. I cried when I did it, I’m still kinda crying as I write this, but hopefully this will turn out to be another positive step along the road of moving on from J-O…

Walking Away

Walking away
I look back
Seeing your face
I wave goodbye
You wave back
And smile
Your perfect smile

Walking away
I look back
I can’t see you
Something’s in the way
I frown
But keep walking

Walking away
I look back
Seeing your face
I wave goodbye
You wave back
And smile
Your perfect smile

Walking away
I look back
I just see the
Back of your head
Your curly black hair
Bobbing  gently in the wind

Walking away
I look back
I see your back
As you walk away
Wishing you’d turn
So I could see
Your perfect smile

I have to walk away
Though I don’t want to
I can’t keep looking back
Though I want to
I have to go, have to miss
Your perfect smile

Less Than 1 Week Until Grad Ball…

It’s less than 1 week until my university’s Graduation Ball and I still have no idea if J-O will be coming. I sent her a message last weekend (7th) reminding her that it was in two week’s time, to which she didn’t respond. Although it was not a message that was worded in a way that required a response, it would be nice if she’d acknowledged it, as her ignoring things usually means no. But as I say, the message didn’t require a response, so I hope it’s not an indication that she’s backing out. I tried to chat to her on Thursday, just generally; she did respond initially, but then stopped, although I think fb chat was having problems that day. So, basically, with less than a week to go I still have no idea if she’s coming or not.

She’s been back in the UK almost 3 weeks now but I’ve not talked to her much, because I don’t want to get on her nerves. I’m hoping that my lack of contact will not be interpreted negatively, as used to be a problem. Usually these days she views lack of contact a good thing, as it shows I only like her as a friend, so I hope she’ll take it that way (although you never can tell with her). The plan is that I will send her a message tomorrow saying that we should arrange a time to talk about the Grad Ball in the next few days. If she ignores it, I know where I stand; if she does arrange a chat, I will still be very skeptical, but it will be overall taken as a positive indication.

Overall, I’m 99% sure she’ll say she can’t come, for some reason or another, if true or not. Basically, I can’t trust a word she says any more. I think it’s a good thing. At least this way I’m not disappointed when she inevitably says she ‘can’t come’. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want her there – I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing her for the first time in 6 months, especially as she’ll be all dressed-up. If she does come, I better not drink too much because I am likely to get ‘over-friendly’ if so. I just wish I knew if she was coming, and that I’d feel ok about it…

Not Socialising With Co-Workers & Grad Ball

Turns out the whole question about socialising with my co-workers was moot: he was supposed to friend me on facebook then send me the details but he never did. I’m unsure if that was because he forgot or because he’s a dick. Maybe a bit of both.

On a side note, I’ve talked to J-O twice in recent days, seems like she’s being a bit friendlier than she had for the past month or so. Maybe she will want to come to my Grad Ball and really try to come instead of trying to get out of it. I’ve been thinking about how to maximise that chance as well though, and I think I’ve come up with a few things that will make it pretty difficult for her to wriggle out of it. I’ll be reminding her about it this Saturday, as then it will be two weeks until the actual date. Fingers crossed!

Song That Caught A Feeling

This song came on the radio when I was having my hair cut the other day and it really resonated with me. Those regular readers will be able to guess why…


I always thought that I knew 
I’d always have the right to
Be living in the kingdom of the good and true
and so on

But now I think how I was wrong 
And you were laughing along 
And now I look a fool for thinking you were on, my side

Is it any wonder I’m tired 
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight 
Is it any wonder I don’t know what’s right 

Sometimes 
It’s hard to know where I stand 
It’s hard to know where I am 
Well maybe it’s a puzzle I don’t understand 

But sometimes 
I get the feeling that I’m 
Stranded in the wrong time 
Where love is just a lyric in a children’s rhyme, a soundbite

Is it any wonder that I’m tired 
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight 
Is it any wonder I don’t know what’s right 
Oh, these days 
After all the misery you made 
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid 
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed 

Nothing left inside this old cathedral 
Just the sad lonely spires 
How do you make it right 

Oh, but you try 
Is it any wonder I’m tired 
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight 
Is it any wonder I don’t know what’s right 
oh, these days 
After all the misery you made 
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid 
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed 

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