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Posts Tagged ‘hugging’

Our First Night Together

You lay there in bed
Watching me passively
I take off my trousers and
Look at you nervously

I pull back the covers
I lay down tentatively
You pull me close and
Put my arm around you

The warmth of your body
Flowed through my skin
The feeling of companionship and
Togetherness warmed my heart

After waiting so long
For this moment to come
My dream had come true and
It was even nicer than thought

To just lie there with you
Our bodies entwined
Was the greatest feeling;
I was content in my mind

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3rd J-O Meet-Up

This is going to be a long post because a lot of stuff happened – and didn’t happen – yesterday. For most of the day it seemed to be going fine. I was helping her with her uni work: finding books, photocopying them, explaining some terms to her. We had a bit of lunch and I accompanied her to the bank. But even then I should have seen the signs. I did see them, but I choose to ignore them. She wouldn’t kiss me on the lips, she introduced me to her uni friends as “a friend” and I noticed she didn’t have the necklace I gave her on. Yet she was still kissing me on the cheek and holding my hand.

At one point we were in her room and she wanted to take a break from her work, so she laid down on the bed (well, she was on her room-mate’s bed and I was on her bed, but they were pushed together) with a blanket to cover her, and I went to lie next to her, and she told me not to. But I did it anyway. At first I was hugging her from behind, then she turned over, covered us both with the blanket and hugged me tightly. After about 10 minutes of this I asked if I could kiss her. She said “no”. I asked “why?”. She said “because we’re just friends”.

That hit me like a brick wall. I’d seen the signs but chose to ignore them, because there was positive signs too. I can honestly say she was giving out mixed signals, not all negative, as I’ve already explained. I asked, if we were just friends, why we were hugging like this. She said something like “because it feels good.” A few minutes later she got on top of me and kissed me on the cheek, then I kissed her on the lips. She didn’t stop me kissing her, but she asked “why did you kiss me?”. I said “why did you let it happen?”. She didn’t answer that. She asked “why” again, and I said “to remind you”. I started crying and she told me to stop. I said I couldn’t stop. She asked “why?”, but I didn’t answer, because I didn’t want to burden her with what I wanted to say (‘I love you’). After a few minutes she said she had to get on with her work, so I went and sat on a chair in the corner, looking out of the window.

So many things were going through my mind then. I thought about how I’d be alone for years now. Then I thought about how she keeps sending out mixed signals, how she made me hope, by what happened at our second meet-up, that we could still be together on the days we were together. I got kind of angry. After 15 mins or so she got up and told me she couldn’t concentrate when she felt she was ignoring me, so I said I would go home. I was about to leave when she decided to show me the common room, where the other students were watching a movie. She said that I could stay there until the movie was over, then come up and see her in her room, and she would be fine with that because she knows I would be ok there. After it was over I went back up and we made some tea together, and she made me some dinner. But because of what happened I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling sick, so I didn’t eat it. As we sat there in the kitchen, I tried to avoid looking at her. I saw her trying to look at me several times, smiling at me, but I just looked away.

For a few minutes we went to her room and sat down on her bed. She said she wanted to talk. She said that she felt to exhausted by the work. I reassured her that it would be ok in time, and she agreed. Then she said she wanted to know what I was feeling, why I was disappointed when all she’d done is told me again what she’d said before. I said that I thought, because of what happened last time we met, that we could still be together when we meet up. She said she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. I said that I knew that, I wasn’t asking for that, I was just asking for us to enjoy each other’s company, be together, when we did meet. She asked how we would spend nights together as she was still in a shared room, and I admitted we couldn’t. She thought about it for a few seconds, and said “ok”. I asked “ok?”. She said “ok.”

Then she said for me to go back down to watch the other movie her friends were just starting to watch, Inception. She insisted I take her blanket, but I said only if she came down with me and gave it to me. She sat me down and ensured I got comfortable, put the blanket over me, and kissed me on the forehead. She told me to come back up to her when the movie was over. As I sat there I wondered; was she really “ok” with what I said, or did she say it just to stop me being upset, to save her own feelings? When I went back up to see her after the film was over, she was in bed, almost asleep. I said I better go, but she insisted on walking me to the Tube station. As we were going out she saw some friends of hers, and we walked to the station with them. When we said goodbye to each other, we hugged, but we didn’t kiss. That again left me wondering if she really meant it.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to see what happens next time. If there is a next time.

Missing Her

When she can’t kiss me
I kiss myself

When she can’t hug me
I imagine it

When she can’t lie in bed with me
I imagine it

When she can’t touch me
I touch myself

When she can’t be with me
I think of her

I can’t stop thinking of her
I can’t stop wishing she was here

A Bad Night

I cried last night after I finished talking with J-O. It was because she said something that reminded me of when she’s likely to come over, and made me think about how far away that seems. I really want her to be here right now, to hug her close to me and know for sure that I’m not alone. But I can’t. I felt very alone that night, and cried because of it. I have nobody to comfort me, nobody around to make hug me and make me feel like somebody is here for me. I need somebody to hug close to me for a while. But I am truly alone.

Imagining ‘Us’

When I was talking to J-O the other day she said “come to hug me and to sleep together “, and I said “ I wish I could for real.”

I really do. She has said something similar to me before, when I once told her that I’m not much of a sleeper. She said ‘then we can stay awake and just hug’. Since then, I have quite often, while in bed trying to get to sleep, imagined us sleeping together. (That is to say sleeping as in literally sleeping, not sex). It is a fantastic thought. For us to just be lying there, hugging each other, feeling the warmth of her body and knowing I am not alone.

I just hope that she gets into Solent, and it can happen for real.

My Girlfriend Situation (Or Lack Thereof) Is Getting Silly

I hate myself. I really hate myself. I’m an opportunistic w****r who has the principles of a idiot and a lack of intelligence to boot.

Before it was just when I was drunk that I was obsessed with hugs – now it’s seeped into my everyday personality and has festered.

The hugging is no longer about being friendly, though, I’ve realised. It’s now turned into a clever ploy (that will never work anyway) to create an opportunity whereby, in our drunken states, me and whatever female friend I happen to select for a hug will, by matter of getting carried away, want to get more intimate with me. It has gotten to such an extent that I find myself planning, well in advance (as in, days before any party is due to take place) how to create such an opportunity.

I cannot believe myself for being this way. I hate it. I’m so sexually frustrated that I use these underhand methods to try and get a decent kiss off one of my friends, which is wrong, even if I will admit there is a part of me that does fancy them. It’s so wrong, disgusting, abhorrent and depressing. It has to stop – from now on, no more hugging for me, except for when greeting them.

I also have to make sure that I don’t mention the fact I’m not hugging to anyone, since I know that that is another, perhaps worse, ploy to get them to be intimate with me. I’ve used the sympathetic angle too many times, and it has to stop. In fact, yes, that is a far worse trick to play. I cannot allow myself to try and play that trick.

I wish I didn’t know anything about sex. I wish I didn’t have to think about girls all the time. I wish I wasn’t so depressed about it. I wish I could just forget about the whole girls side of life. I wish I could get on with my life. But I can’t. I just… can’t…

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