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Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Maybe It Would Be For The Best

Maybe it would be for the best
If we went our separate ways
Maybe it would be for the best
If this was our end of days

What can I offer you right now
That would make us worthwhile
What can I offer you right now
That would make you smile

If us being over is what I must do
To make life better for you
If us being over is what I must do
Then that is what shall be done

Another Good Night

Me and J-O had another nice night watching a movie together (Megamind). Not as good as the last one but it lifted my spirits at least – for the time anyway. But once she’d gone to bed, I realised I’m still sat here alone, she’s still hundreds of miles away. It’s times like these when I wonder if it was all worth it. Before her, I was lonely, sure. But not this lonely. I didn’t have the hope that somebody would come along and be with me; in many ways that was comforting. To know I’d always be alone, to not get my hopes up that I would find somebody. I could get on with my life.

But then I think, although I may feel lonelier than ever sometimes, at least I have times – sometimes quite sustained – where I’m very happy. I think that in many ways I’d rather be really sad sometimes and really happy sometimes, then sad most of the time and kind of happy only very occasionally. I don’t know really. I can only hope that we can be together one day soon, that all this deep loneliness will have been worth it. That I can finally be happy.

My Pain, Your Gain

While we are apart
Our love only adds
To the pain of the heart

I hate to add this pain
It should bring happiness
It shouldn’t mean strain

What I would do
To stop this hurt
Though it would pain me to

I’d let you go
As much as I would sigh
I’d do it, if it was a nearer, better guy

Because happiness in my aim
Not sadness, not pain

If to leave is right
I’ll take flight

Lead you into happiness
While I, again,
Wallow in pain

I Almost Threw It All Away

I almost threw it all away yesterday with one stupid and demeaning comment. I had been helping J-O with her English homework and then this happened:
her: okay
her: lol thanks a lot
me: no problem
her: i think i have to send you money it is like a private lesson
me: lol yeah
met: maybe you can pay me back in other ways when you come over 😉 lol
At first she laughed but then she evidently fully realised what that joke was, and, as I realise now, was understandably upset. She asked me what I meant and I just said “oh, nothing”, in a jokey way, assuming at this point she got the joke but didn’t mind. But then this happened:
her: i can’t believe you said it
her: i do not sleep with anybody for money
me: I’m sorry 😦
her: you exchange this things as equal
her: great!…………
me: yeah
her: it is not good actually
her: i mean now great as awful..
me: sorry you’ve confused me now
me: 😐
her: just i am a bit dissapoint that you say pay in another way cuz  of course I can guess what you mean and ………. it doesn’t sound good…
me: it was only a joke
me: 😦
me: I didn’t mean it at all
me: sorry
her: are u sure
me: yes, 100% sure
met: I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you
her: okay
her: it is okay
me: good
me: I’d hate to ruin everything after yesterday
her i do not take offence very easily but sometings are not so pleasant
her:  to read
her: just that
me: it was in bad taste, I know, I should have realised
her-: one thing
her: it is alright
me: ok
me: thanks for forgiving me
me: I can’t believe I almost threw everything away after just one day
her: girls do not like to be taken on that way
her: you have to be careful
me: I know
her: with these
her: yes you know
me: I’m so stupid 😦
her: we learn by our mistakes
me: yeah
her: smile
me: 🙂
her: i am sure now you didn’t mean what i began to thought..
her: then it is okay
I just… I can’t believe how stupid I was, how I nearly threw it all away with one stupid joke. I crossed a line, I realise that now. Such as joke may have been okay with a close friend, but not with J-O. She deserves the best boyfriend, the perfect boyfriend, someone who will treat her with the upmost respect, will buy her things, be a gentlemen, be there for her when things aren’t going well, to make her happy. If I can’t do that, then I don’t deserve her. I just hope I can be that person. I hope that it all goes well, that we have a lasting relationship, that we love one another.
I know it sounds like I’m looking for a permanent thing here, and maybe – well, probably – that isn’t the right way to approach it. But I really like her, and hope that it is something that lasts. Partly I think this because I suspect I may never meet someone who actually likes me back again, but mostly it’s because I really like her – well, love her, really – and I hope that it lasts. That would make me happy, and hopefully would make her happy too. 🙂

I Asked Her. She Said Yes!

I was talking to J-O on Skype yesterday. After talking for a while we started talking about relationships and stuff. It started when she said she has chosen her prom dress. I said “whatever dress you get I’m sure you’ll look great in it :)”. She said thanks, that I will she will show me one day, then I said “perhaps you’d look even better out of it 😉 lol :D”. She then said “who knows you could know one day 😀 lol”, to which I replied “lol I look forward to it :D”.

Then she asked a really awkward question. She asked “have you ever made love?”. Slightly taken aback, I decided to tell the truth and said “er… no 😳 . have you?” to which she said “yeah 😐 it is the greatest thing in life”. Then I told her that I’d never had a girlfriend before. She assured me that I would, in time, that I was “such a nice boy”, to which I replied “thanks, you’re nice too :)”.

It was then I decided to tell her. I told her that I wanted to tell her something, but didn’t know if it was a good idea, or how to say it. She told me to say it. By this point, I was so nervous I was literally shaking like a leaf. So then this happened:

me: I really like you. A lot…
J-O: i like you too
me: 🙂
J-O: you are very very kind
me: thanks
J-O-: that was it?
me: well yeah but I’m not sure if you quite realised what I meant…
J-O: what do you mean exactly
me: erm… well…
I fancy you (I presume you know what they phrase means)
She didn’t understand. She asked me to do an audio call, but she couldn’t really hear me. So I typed “what I’m trying to say is that I would like to go out with you”. And she said yes. She said that she would go out with me. I was still shaking, but started to calm down. I couldn’t believe it. She actually said yes! A girl that I liked actually likes me back and would like to go out with me! I was so excited. Thoughts about how she might not be accepted at university here did cross my mind, but I quickly forgot about that.
I still can’t believe it. This is one of the happiest days of my life, the best news ever. I just hope she gets accepted at Solent and we can go out with each other. Fingers crossed it will happen.

She’s Driving Me Crazy… In A Good Way

I’ve moved into a sort of crazy mega-crush stage about that Bulgarian girl over the past few days, as you can probably tell from my recent posts. She’s just so nice, and cute, and pretty and… arg I think I’m actually going mad! I know it’s stupid; that I’ve only just met her a few weeks ago, that I’ve never met her in person, only talked to her online and stuff. But she’s always so nice to me, she seems to like me, if the endless emoticons, generally how she acts towards me and the nice stuff she says to me is anything to go by.

I know I’ve got to keep a cool head. I know I’ve got 6 months to go before she gets here (if she gets here at all) and probably even longer before we hook up (providing she feels the way I do). But at the moment, I can’t help it – I’m crushing, like mad. But in many ways it is good, because I haven’t felt this happy in a long time.

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