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The Grad Ball

Well, I got back from Portsmouth a few hours ago after staying in my friend’s hotel room for the night, although I didn’t get much sleep because of his snoring.

The Grad Ball was a decidedly mixed affair. On the one hand I enjoyed the meal I had with my friend and his housemates at Pizza Express beforehand, and at the Ball itself I enjoyed  ‘silent disco’ they had going – we spent several hours in there. Unfortunately, the rest of it was kind of rubbish. The club bit was fun kinda fun when they were just playing music, but when the band came on we all found it uncomfortably loud – I myself found it rather unpleasant, so we soon left for the silent disco. This night was made worse by the fact it took about 15 – 20 mins to queue to buy a drink, so me and my friends soon gave up trying to drink – I only had 4 drinks in the 5 hours (we arrived at 9pm and left at 2am, when it had started at 7pm and ended at 3am, and the ‘after party’ went on until 5am) we were there, and that I started to feel a bit unwell after an hour or so, for unknown reasons. I can’t say it would have been any better if J-O was there or if I’d been able to have more drinks though. Overall, the time we spent in the club and the silent disco was fun, but for the rest of the time I felt a fair bit like I did at my secondary school prom – different, alone while surrounded by either (a) couples, (b) confident guys or (b) confident and good-looking girls.

To be honest I’m surprised I expected anything more from the evening. I know what I’m like, I should have seen it would have been like this…

Grad Ball, No J-O

I talked to J-O last night about the Grad Ball. She said: ” i cannot come next weekend today the mother talked to me. she flies to Honk Kong next weekend and i have to look afetr the kids. i am gonna be working. there is noone else that can look after them”. I just said “yeah ok”. I tried to talk but after about 5 mins she stopped replying and went offline.

For a few mins I was kinda ok with it, but very quickly I started getting upset. I even cried a tiny bit. I dunno, I expected her to say she couldn’t come, but I did kinda get my hopes up actually. I knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her, and I was kinda hoping that it would be a nice final time together, instead of us just stopping talking to each other and drifting apart. I had also entertained the possibility that, because she would be staying in my house, in my room, that something might happen. I feel like such an idiot. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel come the actual Ball. Hopefully I’ll just enjoy it and not think about her. I hope…

EDIT: Ok, I actually wrote this last night, from when you’re reading it, and after I wrote all that above, I started chatting to a friend who is also friends with J-O on fb, and apparently J-O has been ‘in a relationship’ for at least two weeks, but it’s obviously hidden from me by her in her settings. I dunno, it’s probably a good thing. It’s funny how it’s the complete opposite of what she said to me a while back, that she “doesn’t think [she] could have a relationship with anyone here” cos of the distance involved compared to her home town. I’m tempted to tell her that I know, but I won’t, it will just make her angry. Fuck her. I more care that she felt she had to hide it than that she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. Fuck her, I don’t need her bullshit.

Edit #2: I continued talking with my friend and she convinced me to move on. I deleted all the photos of J-O from my phone. I cried when I did it, I’m still kinda crying as I write this, but hopefully this will turn out to be another positive step along the road of moving on from J-O…

Less Than 1 Week Until Grad Ball…

It’s less than 1 week until my university’s Graduation Ball and I still have no idea if J-O will be coming. I sent her a message last weekend (7th) reminding her that it was in two week’s time, to which she didn’t respond. Although it was not a message that was worded in a way that required a response, it would be nice if she’d acknowledged it, as her ignoring things usually means no. But as I say, the message didn’t require a response, so I hope it’s not an indication that she’s backing out. I tried to chat to her on Thursday, just generally; she did respond initially, but then stopped, although I think fb chat was having problems that day. So, basically, with less than a week to go I still have no idea if she’s coming or not.

She’s been back in the UK almost 3 weeks now but I’ve not talked to her much, because I don’t want to get on her nerves. I’m hoping that my lack of contact will not be interpreted negatively, as used to be a problem. Usually these days she views lack of contact a good thing, as it shows I only like her as a friend, so I hope she’ll take it that way (although you never can tell with her). The plan is that I will send her a message tomorrow saying that we should arrange a time to talk about the Grad Ball in the next few days. If she ignores it, I know where I stand; if she does arrange a chat, I will still be very skeptical, but it will be overall taken as a positive indication.

Overall, I’m 99% sure she’ll say she can’t come, for some reason or another, if true or not. Basically, I can’t trust a word she says any more. I think it’s a good thing. At least this way I’m not disappointed when she inevitably says she ‘can’t come’. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want her there – I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing her for the first time in 6 months, especially as she’ll be all dressed-up. If she does come, I better not drink too much because I am likely to get ‘over-friendly’ if so. I just wish I knew if she was coming, and that I’d feel ok about it…

Not Socialising With Co-Workers & Grad Ball

Turns out the whole question about socialising with my co-workers was moot: he was supposed to friend me on facebook then send me the details but he never did. I’m unsure if that was because he forgot or because he’s a dick. Maybe a bit of both.

On a side note, I’ve talked to J-O twice in recent days, seems like she’s being a bit friendlier than she had for the past month or so. Maybe she will want to come to my Grad Ball and really try to come instead of trying to get out of it. I’ve been thinking about how to maximise that chance as well though, and I think I’ve come up with a few things that will make it pretty difficult for her to wriggle out of it. I’ll be reminding her about it this Saturday, as then it will be two weeks until the actual date. Fingers crossed!

Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

Grad Ball?

The other day I got an email from my university reminding me about tickets for the Graduation Ball. Unlike previous such emails (which went into the ‘trash’ without a thought), I stopped and realised I hadn’t actually considered at all if I should go to this shindig. There are two strands of thought I have on this issue.

The first and most obvious one of these strands is regret. I would probably regret not going – after all, it’s only going to happen once. I may enjoy it. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, at least I can say I went; if you can say you went, you don’t have to reveal how you felt about it, whereas if you say you didn’t even go then you’d be instantly siezed on, with people saying energetically “were you insane!?” (or words to that effect).

The second and the one that sprang first to my mind is indifference. I would probably regret going – after all, I didn’t enjoy my prom, at which there were many more people that I knew, so why would I enjoy this? I’d just stand around looking like a right numpty, especially with no nice lady-friend to dance with (which I assume almost all people will). Admittedly this time I can drink alcohol, which would make it easier to grin-and-bear-it.

Overall I’m not sure. Besides which, I can’t even afford the ticket at the moment, although that should be sorted by tomorrow with a bit of a switcheroo of funds within my myriad of different accounts, from ISAs to savings to current accounts. I dunno. Maybe I should go. Especially since shame and peer pressure is such a powerful force in my life. Maybe I should ask if J-O wants to accompany me, which would solve the lady-friend problem, although she’d have to pay for herself.

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