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Final Nail in the Coffin? (J-O)

About 1 hour ago I got a text from J-O saying “Sorry, omg u can’t believe it…” I asked what was going on and she said “One of my friends from here came back and gave me a gold necklace, gold one, two hearts…”. I asked if it was a male friend, and she said yes. I replied, with a terrible feeling in my stomach “That’s nice I suppose. I guess he must like you a lot.” She said “yeah… just I am so excited, never got any gold present before.” I replied “Yeah fair enough, nice :)…” and then I next wrote in that text, very begrudgingly, but what else could I say?: “Hope it goes well, whatever happens”. She said thanks and asked me how I was. I lied, saying I was ok. I thought about asking if she liked him back, and remembering what happened when I asked that about another friend before, I decided not to. I decided I must do the decent thing, so I eventually texted her: “Just if it makes you happy then I can be happy for you, no matter how I feel”. She replied just “Thanks a lot, hope you don’t feel bad”… (hope I don’t feel bad! She knows how I’m going to be bloody feeling! What a stupid, condescending thing to say!) …”because I really think that you are an awesome boy”.

So, that’s just great! Just as things between us seemed to be looking up, this has happened. It looks like she’ll finally be out of my hands for good; if they do get together, which by the sound of it she wants to, that’s me out of the window completely. She now won’t consider staying over my house when she comes to Southampton: if she comes at all. I know they aren’t together yet; I’m being very pessimistic. Yet I suspect that in the next few days it will happen. Fuck my life. Fuck my life!

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The Balancing Act

Why should we give up
Just when things are hard

Why must I hurt
Just because everyone does

Why am I condemned to repeat
That which is negative

Why must we be just friends
Just because we can’t be together now

Why am I doomed to a life
Of crushing disappointment

Of my own making

Thoughts on the 3rd J-O Meet-Up

Here are some random thoughts concerning my 3rd meet-up with J-O.

When I was crying, she said (something along the lines of) “don’t be upset, everyone has to go through it, I did before and I know it’s difficult”. Why does something have to happen, if it is bad, just because it has happened before? Why is it that she seems to think that I have to suffer like this because she once did?

Every time we have talked about how we can’t be together now, she has always brought up about how we can’t sleep together because she’s in a shared room. I thought it was strange that a girl worried more about sleeping together, about having sex, more than a guy (I) did.

I can’t believe how nice it was just to lay there on the bed with her (covered by her blanket, not the covers though). My arm was underneath her head, her head resting on it. Several times she hugged me more tightly. It was so soothing to feel the warmth of her body against mine, her head touching close to my chest, where I could kiss her on the cheek and forehead. I could have stayed like that all day, were it not for her dropping the “just friends” bombshell and her having to get on with her work. After she dropped that bombshell I asked, and I still wonder, if why she enjoyed that if she really wanted us to be ‘just friends’. ‘Just friends’ don’t cuddle up like that.

At one point she decided to change into different clothes. When she said it to me, I asked if I should look away, but she said it was ok. I couldn’t believe it. Though she only changed her 1st top (she had something else underneath it) so I didn’t see much there, she did change her trousers, and all she had on underneath was panties and this second top thing, which if it was all she had on, would have been a very sexy bit of nightwear, shall we say. I’m not sure how to explain exactly what it was, but hopefully you get the idea. It was over quickly but was still sexy, and, to be honest, given what she said later (about being friends), was a bit of a tease.

One of J-O’s flatmates came down to the common room and sat with me, and pulled the blanket over to her to cover herself (it was still covering me too). She asked what was I going to do after the movie was over, and I said that I would probably be saying bye to J-O and leaving. She was surprised at this. When I went back up to see J-O, she came in with me and asked her, suggestively, “what are you going to do with him?”. J-O ignored the suggestion and said she would walk me to the Tube station.

Note: I may come back and add to this if I remember anything while I’m trying to get to sleep tonight.

3rd J-O Meet-Up

This is going to be a long post because a lot of stuff happened – and didn’t happen – yesterday. For most of the day it seemed to be going fine. I was helping her with her uni work: finding books, photocopying them, explaining some terms to her. We had a bit of lunch and I accompanied her to the bank. But even then I should have seen the signs. I did see them, but I choose to ignore them. She wouldn’t kiss me on the lips, she introduced me to her uni friends as “a friend” and I noticed she didn’t have the necklace I gave her on. Yet she was still kissing me on the cheek and holding my hand.

At one point we were in her room and she wanted to take a break from her work, so she laid down on the bed (well, she was on her room-mate’s bed and I was on her bed, but they were pushed together) with a blanket to cover her, and I went to lie next to her, and she told me not to. But I did it anyway. At first I was hugging her from behind, then she turned over, covered us both with the blanket and hugged me tightly. After about 10 minutes of this I asked if I could kiss her. She said “no”. I asked “why?”. She said “because we’re just friends”.

That hit me like a brick wall. I’d seen the signs but chose to ignore them, because there was positive signs too. I can honestly say she was giving out mixed signals, not all negative, as I’ve already explained. I asked, if we were just friends, why we were hugging like this. She said something like “because it feels good.” A few minutes later she got on top of me and kissed me on the cheek, then I kissed her on the lips. She didn’t stop me kissing her, but she asked “why did you kiss me?”. I said “why did you let it happen?”. She didn’t answer that. She asked “why” again, and I said “to remind you”. I started crying and she told me to stop. I said I couldn’t stop. She asked “why?”, but I didn’t answer, because I didn’t want to burden her with what I wanted to say (‘I love you’). After a few minutes she said she had to get on with her work, so I went and sat on a chair in the corner, looking out of the window.

So many things were going through my mind then. I thought about how I’d be alone for years now. Then I thought about how she keeps sending out mixed signals, how she made me hope, by what happened at our second meet-up, that we could still be together on the days we were together. I got kind of angry. After 15 mins or so she got up and told me she couldn’t concentrate when she felt she was ignoring me, so I said I would go home. I was about to leave when she decided to show me the common room, where the other students were watching a movie. She said that I could stay there until the movie was over, then come up and see her in her room, and she would be fine with that because she knows I would be ok there. After it was over I went back up and we made some tea together, and she made me some dinner. But because of what happened I wasn’t feeling hungry, I was feeling sick, so I didn’t eat it. As we sat there in the kitchen, I tried to avoid looking at her. I saw her trying to look at me several times, smiling at me, but I just looked away.

For a few minutes we went to her room and sat down on her bed. She said she wanted to talk. She said that she felt to exhausted by the work. I reassured her that it would be ok in time, and she agreed. Then she said she wanted to know what I was feeling, why I was disappointed when all she’d done is told me again what she’d said before. I said that I thought, because of what happened last time we met, that we could still be together when we meet up. She said she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. I said that I knew that, I wasn’t asking for that, I was just asking for us to enjoy each other’s company, be together, when we did meet. She asked how we would spend nights together as she was still in a shared room, and I admitted we couldn’t. She thought about it for a few seconds, and said “ok”. I asked “ok?”. She said “ok.”

Then she said for me to go back down to watch the other movie her friends were just starting to watch, Inception. She insisted I take her blanket, but I said only if she came down with me and gave it to me. She sat me down and ensured I got comfortable, put the blanket over me, and kissed me on the forehead. She told me to come back up to her when the movie was over. As I sat there I wondered; was she really “ok” with what I said, or did she say it just to stop me being upset, to save her own feelings? When I went back up to see her after the film was over, she was in bed, almost asleep. I said I better go, but she insisted on walking me to the Tube station. As we were going out she saw some friends of hers, and we walked to the station with them. When we said goodbye to each other, we hugged, but we didn’t kiss. That again left me wondering if she really meant it.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to see what happens next time. If there is a next time.

Predicting My Situation

As I said yesterday, me and J-O are taking a break. As I said, “I don’t understand how it will make much difference if we’re together or apart to stop her feeling” lonely. But last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I think I worked out why. It’s because she’s not going to come over for a while, perhaps only when university starts in about 10 months time.

Why do I think this? It’s simple. She wouldn’t do this if she thought she would be coming over soon, because what would be the point, suddenly stopping after 8 months when there is only a month or two to go? She must then think that she won’t be coming over for ages, so she doesn’t want to feel lonely in that long time. She thinks she has time for other relationships, perhaps.

Not to mention the fact that I’m sure that it would be easier for her to stay in Bulgaria until university starts, as Britain isn’t exactly in a good position on the jobs front, and this must be much harder for non-British workers, even those who are fluent in English and are very clever. I’m sure she realises it would be easier to stay at home in Bulgaria and work, since obviously that reduces living costs dramatically compared to London, so even if she makes less money than she might in London, the much lower living costs would mean she may earn a fair amount more.

It certainly seems like a logical conclusion, doesn’t it? 😦

It Is Now! Sort of.

They think it’s all over… it is now! Sort of. It turns out then when we had a talk the other day about her feeling lonely and we would see how it goes when we meet, what she meant was that we should just be friends for now, until she comes over.Yep. The ‘friend zone’. To be honest, I was devastated. I cried. I didn’t want anything to do with her for a few days. I could feel my old, depressed self returning. We had  talk about how I was feeling, and it did kind of make me feel better. I don’t know what to think really. I still like her, and she says she still likes me, but it seems strange to me that, given those facts, and the fact we’ve been ‘together’ 8 months, that we would take a break now.

She said it was to stop her feeling lonely, yet I don’t understand how it will make much difference if we’re together or apart to stop her feeling this way. That’s why I said she was free to see other guys in-between now and when we meet. I asked her if there were any guys she liked there in Bulgaria, she seemed to say yes in a way, but she didn’t seem that interested. So she might just ‘have some fun’ with some guys or whatever, I don’t know, take her mind off us, make her not feel lonely.

I dunno, maybe it’ll be ok in the end. But I can’t help think it won’t. I can’t help thinking it was stupid of me to think I would be happy, that I would find somebody. I dunno. I can already feel myself returning to my old, depressed ways. I have no idea when she’ll come over. I certainly don’t think it’ll be soon, even though she’s got the results of her English exam. I don’t think she’ll come over until uni starts, in 10 months time. In that time she might get a boyfriend. I know I won’t get a girlfriend in that time.

Will I still like her then? I don’t know. I’ll just have to see how everything pans out.

Subtle Hint?

You know that Bulgarian girl I said I fancy? Well, the other day she seemed to hint to me that she liked me too. When I say that, she seems to like me anyway, through our general conversations, but this was a more obvious hint. Perhaps. I could just be reading into it too much.

Anyway, so this supposed ‘hint’. We were talking about films, and she recommended ‘Euro Trip’. So I went on IMDB, and here is the plot summary: “When Scotty’s German online pen pal suggests they meet, he initially freaks out (he thinks it’s a guy). But then he discovers that she’s (a she and) gorgeous, and heads out with three friends after graduation to meet her. As they travel across Europe, the four friends have comical misadventures.” Sound like a sort of similar situation? Okay, so I might be reading too much into it.

She does like me, as a friend at least, that much I can be sure of. But I have doubts that she likes me in any other way. I mean, she’s never actually met me in person. But if she does make it over, I’ll ask her out anyway, and maybe she’ll say yes, and we’ll become closer. I know it probably sounds silly that I like her despite we’ve never met. But she seems like a really nice, hard working, not to mention pretty, girl – and I’m completely bowled over by her 🙂

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