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Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Highs and Lows

Nothing can compare
To the depths of my despair
I thought I was sad then
I am brought to new lows now

I did not know what I missed
In the depths of love trysts
What joy could be found
Emotions dwelling unbound

I longed for a lover
To share like no other
My deepest thoughts
My darkest secrets

What it meant I could not imagine
It’s reality I could not fathom
It’s highs I could not think of
I did not dare to dream

Once I knew those highs
I should have realised
What goes doubly high
Must come likewise down

When all is lost

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The Cycle of Worry

Even though we seem back together
Every little thing gives cause to doubt
Even that which in reality must be
No negative thing at all

Even when I express longing for you
The sentiment gives cause for doubt
If you want to know my feelings
I often worry now

Even when I apologise to you
For expressing my longing
If you were glad in the first place
I often worry now

This endless cycle of fear of loss
Itself causes much doubt
If this paranoid cycle damages us
I often worry now

Unfortunately if it is the case
There is only one to blame
Because all this worry I have
Comes from the actions of you

What Did I Do To Deserve This Life

What did I do to deserve this life. Oh yeah, I was just myself. How the world hates that. Sometimes I think we should bring back modest clothing and arranged marriages. F**k sake. Why do girls have to be so sexy? Why do they have to wear such revealing clothing when they are out on the town, that torments and tortures all guys who have no chance in hell of ever coming even within 10 feet of them? Why the hell am I this shy, why can’t I go out to town and get with some random girl? Why, when I’m nearly 20, have I never even held hands with a girl, never mind anything else? Why do women find me so repulsive and uninteresting? Why am I so repulsive and uninteresting? Why doesn’t ‘being yourself’ actually count for f**k all in the real world? Maybe I should resort to internet dating. Maybe I should go to a strip club or pay for a prostitute. Or maybe I should just throw in the towel. Anything to get me away from this torment. I wish there was so such thing as sex or girls.

The State of Play

As you may know if you read my blog regularly, J-O is now in the UK working as an au pair. Well, I have phoned her a few times over the past few days and she did not seem to be finding the life of an au pair “agreeable” to her. Certainly, the amount of work the family she is working for is giving her she doesn’t find agreeable.

I phoned her today and she said that yesterday she told the woman (mum) of the family that she felt she was not able to do all the work she was set. Apparently – and understandably – this did not go well. So, tomorrow (well, today now, UK time) she will leave this family and go work for a different family, of whom she knows nothing.

She admitted, though, that the expectations of her are likely to be the same whoever she works as an au pair for. I agreed with this, though in my mind, I didn’t say this to her. She said that she might even go back to Bulgaria. I don’t mind this really, I’d rather she’d be happy in Bulgaria without me than miserable in the UK with me (though I am still in Southampton, not London, but you get what I mean), though I would be very sad and disappointed.

So at the moment she is not sure what will happen. In fact, she’s not even sure we’ll be able to meet on Sunday. She said she will text me when she knows what is going on, which will probably be tomorrow (today, effectively). I really hope we are able to meet at least once, if she does decide to go back. If not, I will be devastated.

Other recent developments:

Knowledge

My thoughts of you
Change so quickly
One moment smiling
The next, crying

Sometimes I wish
You were here
Sometimes I wish
You were never here

Sometimes I think
I make you happy
Sometimes I think
I should let you go

Sometimes I think
I deserve you
Sometimes I think
You deserve better

As I lie here,
Now
All I desire
Is to be sure

What of the Clichés?

Some people hate clichés
But when I imagine her and me
It’s the way I want to spend our days

To wander around, holding hands
Without a care in the world
Along a beach, with it’s golden sands

To sit on a bench, overlooking the old city walls
Watching the sun set on the world
Together we’re happy, the view enthrals

To sit in park, side-by-side
Watching the birds, and the bees
The picture gives me a warm feeling inside

What unoriginal thoughts, I hear you cry
That is the romantic I am
My way to express love
It is the old way
But the old ways are best
I often do say
So what you think
I could not care less

Yeah, Because That’s Not Obvious…

Some people are so rude and two-faced. I went to say hello to one of my friends on Skype (she’s the one I fancied, that I wrote all those posts about a while back) and as soon as I did, she went offline. Because that isn’t obvious at all. “Hmm, perhaps if I go offline he’ll just think I didn’t get it before I went offline.” I’m not that thick. If you’re not in the mood, just tell me. Or, just say, “sorry, I’ve got to go”, that’s much more believable. But the idea that somehow you didn’t get my message before you went offline is just ludicrous. She probably still dislikes me for liking her. I want to just ignore it, tell myself she’s just a bit of a bitch, but I can’t – it hurts me for her to just ignore me like that. To be fair though, I’d feel that with any friend who did that. I want to still be her friend, she is a nice person, but things like this really piss me off and put me off staying friends with her. I rather she just come out and say she wanted me to leave her alone, if that’s how she feels.

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