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My Current Fear

Today J-O started her new life as a university student, and thinking about that lead me to a new fear. I fear that as she makes new friends and meets a lot of nice, interesting guys, she won’t have any need for me at all.

Here’s my reasoning (as such): most of the time we were ‘together’ online, it was at a time when she had finished high school and all her friends were starting university, either in another country or another city. She was lonely. Therefore she latched onto me, who was just nice enough, to keep her company for that time. It meant she wasn’t alone. But now, she’ll have new friends and more interesting people around her. She won’t need me to keep her company, and the other guys will be much more interesting to be with and will be more knowledgeable about relationships and therefore better to be with.

I dunno, I’m probably being a tad paranoid and I’m certainly being characteristically defeatist. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

The Cycle of Worry

Even though we seem back together
Every little thing gives cause to doubt
Even that which in reality must be
No negative thing at all

Even when I express longing for you
The sentiment gives cause for doubt
If you want to know my feelings
I often worry now

Even when I apologise to you
For expressing my longing
If you were glad in the first place
I often worry now

This endless cycle of fear of loss
Itself causes much doubt
If this paranoid cycle damages us
I often worry now

Unfortunately if it is the case
There is only one to blame
Because all this worry I have
Comes from the actions of you

My Current Fear

It seems that for now
We’re back in business
But that not long it will last
That’s what I fear

Maybe she’ll find someone
On holiday, or
Back home, or
At university there

She’ll find someone
That can be close
That can shelter her
Be with her always

I suppose I must say
I would understand why
But that doesn’t mean
It wouldn’t make me cry

A Strange Fear

I have a strange fear. That is to say, I think it’s strange. It certainly seems like a strange fear to me. It’s not some obscure phobia or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking. Having said that I’m sure there might be a -phobia name for it, there does seem to be for most things (see this). But I digress.

This fear often comes up when I think about running somewhere in the house, especially if it involves running through the kitchen. I think about running inside, then I suddenly get this image in my head of me running, falling, hitting my face on something and that impact either knocking out my teeth or making them point at funny angles. Generally, teeth and dentists I don’t like, so it probably has something to do with that.

Random, I know.

It’s nice to talk about something different on my blog for once, I imagine it can get very boring for regular readers (if there are any) to hear about my constant moaning about relationships and such things, whether in ordinary posts or in my poetry. This post is for all you bored readers out there 🙂

My Worst Fear

My worst fear, I can safely say
Does not bother most today
In the age of the social network

But it is one with a colourful past
In the poets of the world, whose work will outlast
Many things produced today

It is the fear of being alone
To pass through the world, unknown
To anyone else

I can see it in my mind’s eye
My bed unattended when I die
The image chills my thoughts

Perhaps I should give in to it
Make my peace, meekly submit
So it may haunt me no longer

I wish it could be done, to eliminate the pain
But no matter how much I try, it is in vain
For it can only be vanquished
By finding that special someone

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