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A Nice, Then Suddenly Screwed Up, Conversation! (J-O)

J-O phoned me today cos yesterday I told her the dates of these public LSE lectures I’m going to with the Politics and Debating Society at uni. She said that she would be interested in going but wasn’t sure about times. I said I’d sent her the details on fb shortly. I did so pretty much straight after and she said she’d try to make it.

Then, randomly, she asked me if I “was going to stay”. Not liking to assume anything, I asked “stay where?”. She replied “stay here”. I said it would be nice. Then she said she wasn’t sure cos she has uni work to do. I said “okay don’t worry about it.” She said “as you wish”, which I know is J-O code for ‘suit yourself’. So I asked her what she thought. She said “i dunno really its up to you. if you wanna stay i will try to make sure i do my notes, in the day before or on the weekend”. I said “would you like me to stay? I would like to, but I wouldn’t like to disrupt your work.” She said “okay stay and i will try to do my notes in advance, on the weekend, say.” I said okay. It was a bit strange that she was offering me to stay, but I suppose it at least means she considers me a friend again. It might not even happen anyway, I’m not sure.

Anyway, here comes the screwed up part! She called me just after this, I asked about it and she said she was joking, but I don’t think she was (not for the first time, and probably not the last).

J-O: okay, i have to go now

me: ok

J-O: need a shower and to go to a solicitor

me: have a good day

J-O: have a good day

me: good luck

J-O: dont repeat what i say

me: lol ok

J-O: good! i hate it when you do so

me: it was at the same time. it wasn’t deliberate

J-O: mine was first!

me: according to chat it was mine

J-O: tc. wrong. mine was 1st, excuse me!

me: well sorry but not according to what it says on my chat. maybe fb is a bit slow at my end

J-O: maybe. okay. have a great day

me: thanks, you too, bye

J-O: what do you mean bye

Me: you’re going to have a shower you said

J-O: yes i am. and what, are you trying to get rid of me

me: no! I thought you were going

J-O: yes I am. need to do the dishes before that tho

me: ok

J-O: okay

I mean, seriously, WTF!? It was so screwed up, I first got angry then I laughed about how absurd it was!

Categories: Friendship, Girls, Life, Personal, Thoughts Tags: , , ,

Forgetting Her…. ish…

Some of my blog followers have been saying on Twitter recently that I should try and forget about J-O, that it isn’t worth it. I wasn’t inclined to agree with them, until yesterday. I kept seeing her liking photos of her on that Facebook ticker thing, and every time I just had to look. I couldn’t stand seeing photos of her, making me realise how much I miss her, how I feel about her. So I decided to do something about it.

I thought, though, that I didn’t want to block her completely or anything. I still like her, yes, I still want to be with her in the future. She said she would still like to be with me in the future. Although we haven’t talked in ages, she said she still wanted us to meet up sometimes.

So I decided, firstly, to remove any reference of her from my desktop or start menu on my laptop. Secondly, I signed out of Skype and stopped it signing in when I start up my laptop, since she’s the only reason I ever have to use it (but I’m not blocking her). Lastly, I ‘unsubscribed’ from her Facebook updates, so she won’t appear in my newsfeed or in the ticker. I will also limit myself to viewing her profile once a week, maximum.

Hopefully all of these things combined will help me forget about her. Well, not exactly forget about her, since I still want to be with her in the future, and she may want to meet up soon (it’s unlikely though, I suspect). But it will (hopefully) make me stop missing her, stop feeling so strongly about her – give myself a more objective viewpoint on the whole situation. She’s basically forgotten about me, I will basically forget about her. I just can’t stand this torture any more.

A Sad Time

Yesterday morning my auntie passed away. She had been fighting her battle for life for a month or so now, and it seems she just couldn’t take it any more. She went into unconsciousness on Tuesday and from that point everybody knew it was the end. She was relatively young, around 52, which makes it seem very strange to me. What makes it more strange – and sad – was that the last time I saw her (I didn’t visit her in hospital) was at my grandfather’s funeral back in May.

I’m not sure of the details, but from what I can tell her death was entirely preventable. She went in for a major piece of surgery but was doing well immediately afterwards; unfortunately, due to hospital incompetence, from what I can tell, other things happened which complicated things. She began to develop other problems and so over time she got weaker and weaker, until she couldn’t take any more. It’s such a tragedy. And so I will be going to the second funeral I’ve ever been two, and it’s within 6 months of the first.

I did cry a little, but no as much as with my grandfather, though I don’t know why. I expect I will make up for it at the funeral (I cried a lot at my grandfather’s funeral so probably will here too). She had a facebook profile, and I left a message on there for her, telling her to say hello to my grandfather when she sees him in heaven. At least she’s not suffering now.

I’m crying a little again now. Life is unfair.

More Trouble and Strife

More strange problems with J-O.

Yesterday and today I commented on links on her Facebook. In both cases, a few hours after I’d put comments on them, they’d miraculiously disappeared from her profile. I don’t like to jump to conclusions but, given previous strange happenings, it did arouse my suspicion.

To be honest, I don’t mind if she doesn’t want me to comment on my wall. I don’t mind if she doesn’t want to be ‘seen with me’ online. It’s the underhandedness, the dishonesty of it. If that’s what she thinks, she should just tell me. Doing this – if it is what it looks like – just makes things worse. If she told me, explained it to me, I wouldn’t mind. I’m a natural outsider, I’m used to it. It’s the fact that she can’t say it to my face that hurts me.

Maybe I’m being over-dramatic. Maybe it was just a coincidence. But you can’t deny it seems very strange.

I don’t know, I really wonder if she’s worth it sometimes. Hell, I wonder if she still even likes me sometimes. She seems to, in our conversations, she says she does if we talk about it, but these days I’m not sure I believe her.

I wish life was simple.

I Hit Back This Time

Several times J-O has asked me about if I liked a few of my female friends (such as E and M) and has pointed out a picture on Facebook where I jokingly took a picture of M’s cleavage as part of a long-running joke in my friends group. Several times I’ve told her I don’t like them, and that this picture was simply a joke. But she kept bringing it up every so often. When she brought it up today, I decided to fight back.

I pointed out a picture on Facebook she had taken with her friends, of one of them naked on the toilet, with just his hands covering his… you know. I said that despite this, I realised it was a joke, I trusted her. I said that to her. She said it was different, but when I asked how, she said it was ‘a picture of his personality’, which I did not understand at all. I said: ‘his personality is about sitting naked on the toilet?’ She said she didn’t look at his… you know… whereas I did. I told her that it was a long-running joke, that I did not start, that I was just continuing it in fun. She accepted this, but still didn’t seem happy.

It’s just annoying, that she makes me feel bad for her thinking, unjustifiably, that I liked other girls. I was annoyed that I had to feel bad, guilty, for her thinking this, when it’s not my fault she thinks this way. It’s annoying that I trust her and she doesn’t trust me. Yes, I know, the distance means she has reason to be cautious. But I have never shown myself to be anything other that trustworthy and faithful, so that’s why I’m annoyed.

I just hope that once we meet and she realises how genuine I am, she will trust me.

Some People Are So Uptight

I’m pissed off right now. Some people are just so uptight it’s untrue. One of my friends (E) posted some pictures on Facebook from a camping trip with her family, but when I go to comment on a few of them, she quickly posted on my wall to stop. Unbelievable. I don’t understand it at all. So she gets a few email notifications from Facebook. Boo bloody hoo. It would only take 10 seconds to delete them. I’m only being friendly, being interested in what her and her family have been up to. I really have no idea what her problem is, but whatever it is, she needs to get over it.

Facebook Shows I’ve Wasted My Life

I had a realisation of something, about ten minutes ago. I’ve wasted my life so far, and Facebook shows it. I spend far too much time on there, joining pages and groups, commenting on and ‘liking’ people’s status’ e.t.c. I need to get out into the real world more. I don’t know how to go about doing that, surprise, surprise.

I’ve been this way since before Facebook came along though. Before, I used to visit lots of Star Wars forums and have a good ol’ chat with fans and nerds e.t.c. But with the beginning of college, I got bored of the nerd life and moved on to the ‘social’ world of Facebook. But soon that became an obsession too.

I dunno what to do. I’m stuck at home, away from the uni I attend, with no uni social life because of that. I only have a social life when my old friends come back during the holidays. I won’t be able to change this situation, it’s too late for that, stupid me. I think I may join the Conservative Party at some point after the election, hopefully meet some like-minded people and do something interesting. And maybe next (academic) year I will join more societies and actually attend them, too.

It’s a start, I suppose…

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