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A Late-Night Call (J-O Update) [Edited]

I was getting ready to go to bed last night when I got a call from J-O. She said she had not done any work that day, and had spent a few hours in the pub with a friend. So much for her worrying about not working if I was there! Earlier in the day we’d talked again about me coming to see her. I said that I’d wait until 4pm to call work to tell them I was coming in as usual tomorrow (now today). I didn’t hear anything from her so I’d called as I said as so will be going to work today. During the call she said that her roommate had contacted her to say she wouldn’t even be back for New Year, as J-O thought, never mind the next day (today). I have no idea when this was, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was before 4pm! So J-O said she would probably spent New Year alone. After about 1 minute of dancing around it, I said that I would be willing to go up and spent New Year with her. She said she would think about it. I know she’s going to say no, so I’m not really thinking about it. She then told me that she had bought a coach ticket to come to Southampton on the 21st January. She said that the coach leaves London at 6-something a.m. [actually I must have heard wrong, the first coach leaves at 10 and arrives at 12:05], and doesn’t get here until past mid-day. She said she coach she’s getting back leaves around 7pm. I said that wasn’t very long to stay, and suggested she could stay at my house. She said that she didn’t like the idea, because ‘it would not be good if the first time I saw your parents I am staying overnight, do you?’. I said, unconvincingly, “no, I suppose you’re right”. We left it at that. I’ll discuss this development in another post later.

Then I asked if she wanted to have a little Skype video call and she said it would be nice. It wasn’t the best video call though; she spent most of the time tidying her room while kind of talking to me at the same time. She did sit down for a few minutes and chatted. But then she decided she would go have a shower and get ready for bed, and left me sitting there like a lemon (she decided to keep the call going while she did this) for about 20 mins in total. Then I decided to get my own back a bit by showing her the present I got her. She asked what it was, as I knew she would, and told her that I wouldn’t tell her, but that if she’d met up like I had suggested, she would already know what it is. She said “thanks for reminding me.” Eventually we went to bed, with her saying she will text me when she gets up in the morning.

She did indeed text me this morning. But she also called me about an hour ago to ask for some advice on her essay, which I gave. She then said about this American summer work thing, if I would be interested in it, because she is thinking of going. I’d liked to think she was implying we could go together, but I doubted it. So I said, entirely truthfully, that I wasn’t willing to go on my own. She then said that I could go with her. I basically said I still wasn’t sure, and she said she’d send me the link (which she has; it’s here). The conversation then ended, with her saying she’d call me after work, and, as I said goodbye, I said “miss you”. Strangely, she responded to that with “oh, please, you don’t miss me“. I replied sarcastically (although I’m not sure she picked up on the sarcasm) “okay, I don’t miss you, if you say so”. I seriously don’t understand what her fucking problem is sometimes. So screwed up…

Highs and Lows

Nothing can compare
To the depths of my despair
I thought I was sad then
I am brought to new lows now

I did not know what I missed
In the depths of love trysts
What joy could be found
Emotions dwelling unbound

I longed for a lover
To share like no other
My deepest thoughts
My darkest secrets

What it meant I could not imagine
It’s reality I could not fathom
It’s highs I could not think of
I did not dare to dream

Once I knew those highs
I should have realised
What goes doubly high
Must come likewise down

When all is lost

What Did I Do To Deserve This Life

What did I do to deserve this life. Oh yeah, I was just myself. How the world hates that. Sometimes I think we should bring back modest clothing and arranged marriages. F**k sake. Why do girls have to be so sexy? Why do they have to wear such revealing clothing when they are out on the town, that torments and tortures all guys who have no chance in hell of ever coming even within 10 feet of them? Why the hell am I this shy, why can’t I go out to town and get with some random girl? Why, when I’m nearly 20, have I never even held hands with a girl, never mind anything else? Why do women find me so repulsive and uninteresting? Why am I so repulsive and uninteresting? Why doesn’t ‘being yourself’ actually count for f**k all in the real world? Maybe I should resort to internet dating. Maybe I should go to a strip club or pay for a prostitute. Or maybe I should just throw in the towel. Anything to get me away from this torment. I wish there was so such thing as sex or girls.

The State of Play

As you may know if you read my blog regularly, J-O is now in the UK working as an au pair. Well, I have phoned her a few times over the past few days and she did not seem to be finding the life of an au pair “agreeable” to her. Certainly, the amount of work the family she is working for is giving her she doesn’t find agreeable.

I phoned her today and she said that yesterday she told the woman (mum) of the family that she felt she was not able to do all the work she was set. Apparently – and understandably – this did not go well. So, tomorrow (well, today now, UK time) she will leave this family and go work for a different family, of whom she knows nothing.

She admitted, though, that the expectations of her are likely to be the same whoever she works as an au pair for. I agreed with this, though in my mind, I didn’t say this to her. She said that she might even go back to Bulgaria. I don’t mind this really, I’d rather she’d be happy in Bulgaria without me than miserable in the UK with me (though I am still in Southampton, not London, but you get what I mean), though I would be very sad and disappointed.

So at the moment she is not sure what will happen. In fact, she’s not even sure we’ll be able to meet on Sunday. She said she will text me when she knows what is going on, which will probably be tomorrow (today, effectively). I really hope we are able to meet at least once, if she does decide to go back. If not, I will be devastated.

Other recent developments:

Knowledge

My thoughts of you
Change so quickly
One moment smiling
The next, crying

Sometimes I wish
You were here
Sometimes I wish
You were never here

Sometimes I think
I make you happy
Sometimes I think
I should let you go

Sometimes I think
I deserve you
Sometimes I think
You deserve better

As I lie here,
Now
All I desire
Is to be sure

An Emotional Roller-Coaster

I’ve been talking to J-O today and my emotions have been all over the place. I started off the day being pretty resigned to the fact she could be going to Canterbury and I wouldn’t go out with her because of the distance. Then she started talking to me and I remembered how much I liked her, how in love with her I was. I told her that even if she goes to Canterbury I would still like to go out with her, because I didn’t want to lose her. Then she said that her Dad wanted for her to apply for a law degree at a London university, for next year, obviously.

Then I started to get really emotional. I told her that I would wait for her as long as it takes, that I want to be with her no matter where she goes. Then we started to talk about the future and she said that she could see herself living in London, with ‘a serious boyfriend’. I said that I would like that boyfriend to be me. Then she said that it would be nice but then she was not sure that I am ‘the one for her’ just from conversing over the internet. Then I explain my tendancy to really get into a person when I like them, at that I must remember that not everyone is as emotional as me. It was at this point I started crying.

She then send me Chasing Cars, because it’s one of the songs I’d sent her, which contains the line “if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world”. Then she said “why is life so stupid” and I said “I wish life was simple, that love was simple”. To which she said “I wish there was not life, actually”. She put a ‘crying’ emoticon. Then I said:

one day we will be together, we will hug and we won’t feel lonely
we will hug each other all night and we will be happy
and we will forget the times we were sad

She said “I hope so”, and then I said “I will always be here for you, I can wait for you, for as long as it takes”. She then thanked me for everything, and I thanked her for making me happy.

I cannot wait for this torture to end. I wish it would just get sorted and we could know what is going to happen. But it looks like her Dad is entrenched in his position, and she doesn’t want to do what he wants her to do. I suspect it will still be many days before we know. Until then, I live in a torturous limbo. On Sunday I plan to go to the pub and drown my sorrows with a few friends; I certainly need it.

Yeah, Because That’s Not Obvious…

Some people are so rude and two-faced. I went to say hello to one of my friends on Skype (she’s the one I fancied, that I wrote all those posts about a while back) and as soon as I did, she went offline. Because that isn’t obvious at all. “Hmm, perhaps if I go offline he’ll just think I didn’t get it before I went offline.” I’m not that thick. If you’re not in the mood, just tell me. Or, just say, “sorry, I’ve got to go”, that’s much more believable. But the idea that somehow you didn’t get my message before you went offline is just ludicrous. She probably still dislikes me for liking her. I want to just ignore it, tell myself she’s just a bit of a bitch, but I can’t – it hurts me for her to just ignore me like that. To be fair though, I’d feel that with any friend who did that. I want to still be her friend, she is a nice person, but things like this really piss me off and put me off staying friends with her. I rather she just come out and say she wanted me to leave her alone, if that’s how she feels.

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