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Dreaming of J-O

I had a dream about J-O last night. It wasn’t a very long one. I think it’s pretty obvious what it means though. The thing is, I tried to talk to her on Skype yesterday, but she didn’t respond. I expected as much but it clearly affected me. Here’s my dream:

J-O was living in Southampton (for some reason) and we had just met up for a catch-up. We were walking back the same direction for a while until we split off in different directions. I kept walking for a few minutes but then I decided to turn back to try and catch up with her and stay with her for a bit longer. However, I could not find her, even though she can’t got gone far in the time since we’d parted. I then trudged back home in the rain along with a lot of other people that were randomly walking in the same direction.

It’s pretty clear what it means: I know we’re going in different directions, I want to return to her, but it won’t happen.

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A Stupid Daydream

For some reason, when I was at work yesterday I had this strange sort of day-dream almost. In this day-dream my phone rang and it was J-O. She asked me “do you really love me?”, to which I replied “yes, of course I do.” Then she said “then come see me tomorrow”.

What a stupid think to dream about. It’s like something out of a terrible romantic comedy. Honestly. Talk about wishful thinking! I think I have some way to go towards moving on from this thing.

Strange Dream Last Night

I had a really strange dream last night. It was really long and kind of rambling.

It started off at this mansion by a beach on a hot summers day. I went outside and there was a load of my extended family there, all talking and drinking at several tables. My aunt was also there, the one who died recently. Then J-O arrived with some of her friends, but didn’t say hello to me, but quickly disappeared.

Shortly after that I went over to talk to my auntie and my nan. However, me and my nan soon realised we were both dreaming, that my auntie was dead, and so my nan started crying. My mum came over to comfort her and started crying too.

At that point I decided to look for J-O, so I walked into the nearby town, which turned out to be Portsmouth. I kept leaping around like Spiderman trying to find her, but I had no luck.

I started walking back to the mansion but then I bumped into some of my friends. They said they had someone they’d like me to meet. They went into this shop and introduced me to a girl who worked there. We said hi and then she asked if I wanted to go on a date with her. I said yes, we arranged the time and date, then the dream ended.

Thoughts on a Dream

I want to let go of the dream that occupies me
I want to let go of the sadness it brings
I want to be free from the burden I bear
I want to enjoy the littlest things

But the dream also sustains me
It brings light in the dark
The only ray of sun
It kindles a spark

What do you do when you are so torn
With a dream that brings hope
Yet can bring despair?

Sometimes I wish I had never been graced
With this dream of a life full of joy
Because it’s like torture
To think it is lost

But at least I had time to enjoy it, while it lasted
The surge of such feelings had never been felt
And perhaps I will not see their like again

But like all good rides
All things must end
In the darkness
Of resignation

The Only Dream

I had a dream
I was kissing you

I had a dream
I was hugging you

I had a dream
That would once be real

Then you broke the spell
You returned me to hell

The dream was just that
So, lonely, I sat

Dreaming the dream
That may never come true

But try as I might
All I dream of is you

They Think It’s All Over?

Well, as you’ve probably been able to tell from my recent posts, I’m not very confident about the whole J-O situation. She has started to have some doubts about us recently. We talked about it and she said she wanted to see how it went when we meet. However as I understood it, we were still technically going out. I don’t think that is the case.

In the last two days she has not been using the usual affectionate terms, has not been sending any kiss or similar emoticons during Skype conversations, and has changed her usual Skype display name from ‘(J-O) ❤ (me)’ to just her name. I don’t mind if she wanted for us to have a break for a while, be just friends for a bit, but this is hurtful to me. If she feels this way, she should tell me. Not distance herself from me and hope I won’t notice.

Why is she doing this to me? Does she not want to hurt my feelings? Because in my book, not telling me, is far worse than telling me. I’d rather be put out of my misery, go back to my old ways, than be in this purgatory.

I suppose it was just a dream. All it was ever going to be was a dream. It looks like it’s back to the path I know well, of loneliness and sadness. At least it means I don’t have expectations above what I can actually do. It’s nice, in a way, to know your place, to stick to it. My life will be filled with certainty again. And that’s my main goal in life. I hate the unexpected. Anyway, I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow. Wish me luck.

A Strange Dream

Last night I had a really weird dream. My family have a rabbit, you see. Last night I dreamt that I was at home during one of the days I don’t have to go into uni, and while our rabbit was out in the garden. When I was looking out the window onto the garden, three hares (I think) came into the garden and started attacking our rabbit (I’m not sure if a hare would attack a rabbit). They circled it, biting it every so often. I ran out to scare them off, and then (here comes the strange bit) somebody leapt over our back fence and started to run towards them, scaring them off.

Really weird.

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