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Posts Tagged ‘crying’

Trying to Hold Firm

I’m sat here
staring out the window
as the world rushes by
as it always has

I’m sat here
trying to weather the storm
as waves of despair crash over me
more intense than ever before

I’m sat here
trying to stay in control
as my stomach slowly churns
as my mouth turns dry

I’m sat here
my will is failing
I put my hand over my face
as my eyes gently weep

I’m sat here
hoping nobody notices
as the train pulls into the station
my eyes force themselves dry

I step out the door
I draw myself up
it’s time for another day
as I slowly wither inside

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A Sad Time

Yesterday morning my auntie passed away. She had been fighting her battle for life for a month or so now, and it seems she just couldn’t take it any more. She went into unconsciousness on Tuesday and from that point everybody knew it was the end. She was relatively young, around 52, which makes it seem very strange to me. What makes it more strange – and sad – was that the last time I saw her (I didn’t visit her in hospital) was at my grandfather’s funeral back in May.

I’m not sure of the details, but from what I can tell her death was entirely preventable. She went in for a major piece of surgery but was doing well immediately afterwards; unfortunately, due to hospital incompetence, from what I can tell, other things happened which complicated things. She began to develop other problems and so over time she got weaker and weaker, until she couldn’t take any more. It’s such a tragedy. And so I will be going to the second funeral I’ve ever been two, and it’s within 6 months of the first.

I did cry a little, but no as much as with my grandfather, though I don’t know why. I expect I will make up for it at the funeral (I cried a lot at my grandfather’s funeral so probably will here too). She had a facebook profile, and I left a message on there for her, telling her to say hello to my grandfather when she sees him in heaven. At least she’s not suffering now.

I’m crying a little again now. Life is unfair.

Welcome to Cry City

It finally hit me this morning. It was because I talked to her on Skype for the first time since we split up. I decided to let her to all the talking, but after saying “Hi, how are you?” “Fine” to each other, she didn’t saying anything until she said “I am going to bed, goodnight” 30 mins later. I finally realised I missed her, but it wasn’t until this morning it fully sunk in.

You see, when I got up I began to think that I should again try and meet up with her and actually talk about how she feels about me, us, and so I began to think of the arguments I would use to try and persuade her to give us a second chance. One of them involved asking something along the lines of “what happened to the old J-O I used to know, the one that used to say all the things she’d like to do with me?” and “I know you had a nice time when we met, because you were hugging me, kissing me, and when I said how I wanted to go somewhere more private, how I wanted to make love with you, you said you did too”.

So, of course, that got me thinking about how much I enjoyed the day we finally met, how well it seemed to go. I started to think how we hugged each other, how we kissed each other, how happy we seemed together. I started to wonder how something that seemed so perfect could be thrown anyway for reasons I can’t fathom. I started to cry. Not too much though, because I am not alone at home today. But I still feel like crying now, though I can hold it in. I miss her. I still love her. I want to be with her. I want her to want to be with me. I don’t even know what she thinks of me, and I wished I did.

I am so alone…

I’m A Bit Upset

I feel a bit silly. I got a bit upset when talking to Jaklin earlier, you see. I was talking about how I put one of her photos on my phone. She was really happy when she read it, and then she said that “I hope we will meet”.
But then she said it was “going to get a bit complicated, and had never met in person”. At the same time I started feeling, worrying, like maybe I was coming on a bit strong, so I asked her about if I was being silly, liking her so much when we’d never met. She said she thought it was nice.
Then she started saying about how she hopes I mean it. She said “I just hope that it is not only for a while and just you will forget it after 2 weeks or a month… something like that” I told her I did, I was sure of it. I told her I wanted to make her happy. She said that was the first time somebody had said that to her. I said “you deserve it”. It was at this point I started crying a little bit.
I feel a bit silly though, that I’m getting all emotional about this, but I’ve never even met her. I’m just worried that I may never see her, that we might never be together. But also as I’m thinking that, I’m also thinking it sounds very silly. I’m so in love with her, I will be devastated if she doesn’t come over. I just want to see her, to embrace her, to know that it’s going to be okay. Is that too much to ask, world?

It’s Over, And I Feel Empty

Well, it’s finally over. That girl I like rejected me over MSN yesterday. I can’t say I’m entirly surprised, especially given my recent feelings about the whole situation. Here’s how it went:

her: [my name], i need to tell you something, i know you um, like me

Now at this point time seemed to slow, everything seemed to go quiet. All I could hear was my breathing. My hand actually started shaking with nerves at this point. After was seemed like ages I managed to type:

me: er. yeah…
her: …

I then thought, well, that response can only mean one thing. I felt very sad, but I then typed:

me: so, er… are you telling me you’re not interested?
her: i just wanted to tell you now, so you didn’t get your hopes up, i didn’t want to hurt you
me: that’s ok
me: I understand
her: ok 🙂

I then thought “fuuucccccckkkkk”. I’m completely screwed. I wasn’t happy. Then I said:

me: kinda expected that anyway, so it’s ok 🙂
her: how come?
me: well, you know, you’re very beautiful, outgoing, talented and I’m kinda the opposite
her: you’re always so down on yourself! you’re going to uni, so you’re talented! got some nice mates, you’re going places!
me: you might be half right but I couldn’t hold a candle to you (I’m assuming you’ve heard this expression)
her: yes i have heard that expression
her: you’re very charming but, even you must know by now i don’t take compliments well – lol!
me: yeah
her: and, you don’t have to be like anyone else 🙂
me: no but I just knew we were too different, pretty much from the start. don’t know why I went along with it. and I was really stupidly obvious
her: no you weren’t that obvious, honestly
her: we are pretty different, yes
me: knowing me I probably would never have plucked up the courage to ask u anyways
her: you’ll find someone and feel you have so much in common that you won’t even need courage! it will just come naturally
me: yeah, possibly
her: honest
me: anyway, thanks for telling me
her: that’s ok
me: I suppose it’s one less thing to worry about
her: are you worried?
me: about what?
her: well, you said one less thing…
me: well, uni is a major worry at the moment
me: I kinda feel like I’m staring into the abyss with that
her: know what you mean!
her: anything else?
me: girls in general, but that’s a constant worry so that’s no different from normal 🙂
her: we’re not some foreign species you know 😛
me: could’ve fooled me
her: well, we just ‘work’ differently, there are exceptions though, like with everything
me: yeah but I think most guys understand you more than someone like me lol
her: i doubt it
me: girls are about as comprehendable as nuclear fission to me
her: well, if you think of it that way, we will be 😛
me: perhaps, but it’ll be a while before I can think differently
me: if ever at all
her: don’t give up like that!
her: you don’t seem like this infront of people, do you put on a front?
me: oh yeah totally, big massive distraction, always smiley
me: can’t let the side down in front of others, show your weakness
her: no not always smiley, sometimes you say things that are pretty offensive, but don’t realise or know that they are but think it’s ok – and btw, everyone has stuff like that and it’s not a weakness, just a learning curve
me: sorry 😦
me: i’m not very good with those things
me: inexperienced, like with most things
her: i just see it as the way you think, i think you know what you are saying james
me: anyhow I’d love to chat but I have to go, bye!
her: running away? 😛
her: see you
me: no!
me: my dad wants to get on the computer
her: okies
me: anyway, thanks for the talk, bye

So, that was that. I went to bed straight after that, and during the night I experienced a wide range of emotions. When I first went up I felt lonely and depressed, strangely empty and devoid of thought.

Then I woke up at 3 and I was kinda angry, because of when she said “running away? :P”. I found that very insulting. She is suggesting that I run away from my problems like some coward. I was not doing that at all. That was a low blow, in my opinion. For me, it also implied a lot of other things – that she thought I was immature, that I was an inferior person to her. It’s like I was nothing but a bit of dirt on her shoe. I thought, ‘well, if that’s how she does feel, then I’m better off without her anyway, the b*tch. In the end I concluded I was overreacting though.

Five minutes later I then started to feel very upset. I’d thought about talking to her about her insult, but then I got into thinking what else I’d say, like “all I want to do is make you happy. if us just being friends makes you happy, then I’m ok with that”. But of course, I wasn’t. I started crying. I thought ‘I thought I actually had something there, I thought I actually had a chance.’ Even typing this is bringing back the tears. I thought ‘oh god, thinking about my reaction, I think I might have actually more or less loved her’. That made me cry even more.

I eventually stopped and managed to get to sleep again, but that was one night I won’t soon forget.

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