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Posts Tagged ‘alone’

What Can You Say?

What can you say
When the hope flies away
Once more

What can you say
When the weather turns grey
Once more

What can you say
When your heart is astray
Once more

What can you say
When your life drains away
Once more?

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J-R Now Has A Boyfriend

Loneliness

I think my last year at uni will be defined, much like most of my first year, by loneliness. I’ve probably lost J-O, and if I haven’t, then I think I have had enough of her anyway. I won’t be making any friends this year, probably. I signed up for the politics and debating society, but now I’m not sure if I will even go. My existing female friends, I think I’ve also had enough of, as they only serve to remind me of my loneliness and my behavior towards them when I’m drunk, of getting quite friendly but only insofar as hugging, is annoying them and embarrassing me. I don’t know what to do about my male friends, maybe I’ll keep them, but I suspect they will become less relevant anyway, as mostly guys aren’t bothered about keeping in contact.

That’s my current thoughts on the subject of loneliness anyway. If I follow through these ideas is another matter entirely. Since it’s mostly a product of my current mood, it may fade as I recover from what has been going on these last few months; two funerals and my ongoing J-O problems (which aren’t ongoing any more, by the looks of things). Who knows. All I know is, I’m in a bad place right now and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be anything that could lift my spirits.

My Current Fear

Today J-O started her new life as a university student, and thinking about that lead me to a new fear. I fear that as she makes new friends and meets a lot of nice, interesting guys, she won’t have any need for me at all.

Here’s my reasoning (as such): most of the time we were ‘together’ online, it was at a time when she had finished high school and all her friends were starting university, either in another country or another city. She was lonely. Therefore she latched onto me, who was just nice enough, to keep her company for that time. It meant she wasn’t alone. But now, she’ll have new friends and more interesting people around her. She won’t need me to keep her company, and the other guys will be much more interesting to be with and will be more knowledgeable about relationships and therefore better to be with.

I dunno, I’m probably being a tad paranoid and I’m certainly being characteristically defeatist. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

The Road I Know

It does not hurt
If you turn away
It’s the pretending
That brings the pain

Why must you torture me
Not admitting what I suspect
Put me out of my misery
Throw me back to the fire

I can handle the heat
I know the road

I’d rather have
The certainty of that road
Than the pain of a road
I know I should not be on

Instincts

I feel we’re drifting apart
The fire is going from my heart
Slowly, sadly

I feel you don’t like me
That we no longer see
Eye to eye

I’m not sure yet
It’s just a feeling that I get
Now

It’s not in what you say
But I feel you want to stray
From us

Why are you not here
To wipe away my tear
From these thoughts

I just want us to hug
For my heart to be warm and snug
Next to you

Righting A Wrong

What do I do
What can I say
That’ll make things all right
That’ll make things ok

I don’t have the words
Forgive me, I pray
I feel helpless
Life sucked out of the day

So here I do sit
Wholly alone
Sadness I feel
I bet you’ll never come home

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