Moving Out?

I’ve recently decided that I want to get out of Southampton, where I’ve lived all my life, and go somewhere new; get a proper job, a proper flat or house share. To live independently. But it occurs to me that I haven’t really thought this through. I’ve spent my entire life living at home – how would I cope living alone or in a house share? I haven’t learnt how to cook or clean for myself, to be able to shop for myself. Admittedly, I already know what spending most of my time alone is like, as I spend almost all my day in my room, so that won’t probably be a problem, although not having anyone in the house/flat at all (unless I live in London with a houseshare) may turn out to actually bother me.

So, ok, I’d have to learn how to cook and clean, but at the end of the day, they’re not the most difficult tasks to master. Conversely, I’d have my own life, without anybody to look over my shoulder (or, if in a house share, a lot more freedom but perhaps some silent judging). I could finally actually try and use internet dating sites to have dates with girls without worrying about my parents judging me. I could go out when I wanted, do what I wanted (money-permitting of course). I just want some freedom, a change of pace, a change of scenery. I want to challenge myself for the first time in my life.

But before all of that, I have to find a job…

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Grad Ball, No J-O

I talked to J-O last night about the Grad Ball. She said: ” i cannot come next weekend today the mother talked to me. she flies to Honk Kong next weekend and i have to look afetr the kids. i am gonna be working. there is noone else that can look after them”. I just said “yeah ok”. I tried to talk but after about 5 mins she stopped replying and went offline.

For a few mins I was kinda ok with it, but very quickly I started getting upset. I even cried a tiny bit. I dunno, I expected her to say she couldn’t come, but I did kinda get my hopes up actually. I knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her, and I was kinda hoping that it would be a nice final time together, instead of us just stopping talking to each other and drifting apart. I had also entertained the possibility that, because she would be staying in my house, in my room, that something might happen. I feel like such an idiot. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel come the actual Ball. Hopefully I’ll just enjoy it and not think about her. I hope…

EDIT: Ok, I actually wrote this last night, from when you’re reading it, and after I wrote all that above, I started chatting to a friend who is also friends with J-O on fb, and apparently J-O has been ‘in a relationship’ for at least two weeks, but it’s obviously hidden from me by her in her settings. I dunno, it’s probably a good thing. It’s funny how it’s the complete opposite of what she said to me a while back, that she “doesn’t think [she] could have a relationship with anyone here” cos of the distance involved compared to her home town. I’m tempted to tell her that I know, but I won’t, it will just make her angry. Fuck her. I more care that she felt she had to hide it than that she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. Fuck her, I don’t need her bullshit.

Edit #2: I continued talking with my friend and she convinced me to move on. I deleted all the photos of J-O from my phone. I cried when I did it, I’m still kinda crying as I write this, but hopefully this will turn out to be another positive step along the road of moving on from J-O…

Walking Away

Walking away
I look back
Seeing your face
I wave goodbye
You wave back
And smile
Your perfect smile

Walking away
I look back
I can’t see you
Something’s in the way
I frown
But keep walking

Walking away
I look back
Seeing your face
I wave goodbye
You wave back
And smile
Your perfect smile

Walking away
I look back
I just see the
Back of your head
Your curly black hair
Bobbing  gently in the wind

Walking away
I look back
I see your back
As you walk away
Wishing you’d turn
So I could see
Your perfect smile

I have to walk away
Though I don’t want to
I can’t keep looking back
Though I want to
I have to go, have to miss
Your perfect smile

Less Than 1 Week Until Grad Ball…

It’s less than 1 week until my university’s Graduation Ball and I still have no idea if J-O will be coming. I sent her a message last weekend (7th) reminding her that it was in two week’s time, to which she didn’t respond. Although it was not a message that was worded in a way that required a response, it would be nice if she’d acknowledged it, as her ignoring things usually means no. But as I say, the message didn’t require a response, so I hope it’s not an indication that she’s backing out. I tried to chat to her on Thursday, just generally; she did respond initially, but then stopped, although I think fb chat was having problems that day. So, basically, with less than a week to go I still have no idea if she’s coming or not.

She’s been back in the UK almost 3 weeks now but I’ve not talked to her much, because I don’t want to get on her nerves. I’m hoping that my lack of contact will not be interpreted negatively, as used to be a problem. Usually these days she views lack of contact a good thing, as it shows I only like her as a friend, so I hope she’ll take it that way (although you never can tell with her). The plan is that I will send her a message tomorrow saying that we should arrange a time to talk about the Grad Ball in the next few days. If she ignores it, I know where I stand; if she does arrange a chat, I will still be very skeptical, but it will be overall taken as a positive indication.

Overall, I’m 99% sure she’ll say she can’t come, for some reason or another, if true or not. Basically, I can’t trust a word she says any more. I think it’s a good thing. At least this way I’m not disappointed when she inevitably says she ‘can’t come’. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want her there – I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing her for the first time in 6 months, especially as she’ll be all dressed-up. If she does come, I better not drink too much because I am likely to get ‘over-friendly’ if so. I just wish I knew if she was coming, and that I’d feel ok about it…

The ‘Ideal’ Girl?

The post I wrote yesterday got me thinking about what I really look for in a girl. This is hard to say, as I’ve never had a proper girlfriend before, been on a date, or even had a friendship with a girl that could have progressed further. I’m not just talking about looks, but personality, likes and dislikes, all that stuff.

Starting on looks, I can’t say I’m too picky. I’ve not got a particular preference as far as hair colour is concerned, although if I had to choose one I’d say brown; I’m not sure why but I find it sexier than other colours, and fairly long, at least shoulder height I’d say. As for eyes, I really do have no preference. For build, I’d just say normal, ‘healthy’, as such. Also freckles (as I’ve mentioned before) are cute but not essential by any means.

As for personality, I’m actually attracted to the shier, quieter girls. Perhaps it’s based on the assumption that shy = nice, I dunno. It certainly adds a level of mystery that’s kinda sexy, I guess. I don’t think I’d be keen on a ‘outdoorsy’ type girl, I guess that I would like girls with a similar personality to me, a little geeky and nerdy, but not too much.

As for likes and dislikes, she’d have to at least have an moderate appreciation for sci-fi, particularly Star Wars, a fan of comedies like American Pie and Superbad, classic comedies like Airplane, and like action films too, like Bond, Indy, LOTR. I’m not too big into romantic comedies but I think I could like them if the right girl came along, so I don’t mind if she was a slight romantic comedy fan, but not a massive one.

Anyway, that’s my ideal girl, as much as I can pin her down in my mind. Of course I realise that as an ideal, it is subject to compromise. And hey, maybe as (if?) I get more experienced with relationships, I’ll get a better idea what I like and don’t like and this will change. But this is it, for now anyway…

I’m Ashamed To Admit This…

I have something I want to admit. I’m not proud of it. I don’t want to admit it, but I feel I need to.

I am shallow.

My vision of an attractive woman is strongly influenced by cultural norms of what is and isn’t attractive.

I dunno if it’s weird to admit that as if it’s a sin, as if it’s wrong. Maybe it’s just me. I mean, everyone knows it’s wrong to ‘judge a book by it’s cover’, but most people do it anyway, like it’s normal. Perhaps it is normal. I don’t think it should be normal, but then I subscribe to this hypocrisy too, so it is confusing.

Okay, maybe I should qualify this. It’s not a wholly unrealistic vision of women. I mean, sure, it’s of a thin-ish girl, but not anorexic or anything like that; a ‘rack of ribs’ is not an attractive thing on a woman. Of course, thin is sexy, but I wouldn’t say I’m attracted as such to that – I’m more thinking of a just normal-sized woman. You know, not thin, not large, but just normal, healthy. I say this because as I look on dating sites, as you would expect, you have every type of woman on there – from thin to ‘large’, and as much as I’m disgusted by myself, I’m not at all interested in any of the ‘larger’ women there.

I dunno, what do you guys think? Is it normal? Is it normal but shouldn’t be so? Please comment.

Falling Behind

While trying to get to sleep after a night out with my friends last night, I had a concerning realisation: my lack of experience ‘with the ladies’  means that I am falling further and further behind everyone else. I can just imagine, if I suddenly find a girl this year that wants to go on a date with me, me saying that I, a 21 year old man (and I am now a man, supposedly, I realise) has never been on a date before; if it progresses further and we sleep together then I have to explain that I’ve never had sex before. I mean, that’s crazy, isn’t it? If any girl I went out with heard any of that, she would laugh in my face. So then lack of experience breeds lack of experience and it’s an endless cycle. I’m not sure if there is any point at this stage of starting a relationship because of this. I dunno. I’m probably overreacting. But at the same time, it’s still a concern; how many people can say, at age 21, that they’ve never been on a date? Not many, I think…

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