Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

An Injustice (J-O)

This morning when I woke up I had a thought. A thought about one major injustice in my recent life. That me and J-O were ‘together’ for over a year and yet I never had sex with her, whereas this new boyfriend of hers has not known her nearly as long, nor will have been in a relationship with her for anywhere near as long, yet will probably get to have sex with her soon, if they haven’t had sex already. Read more…


A Drunken Late-Night Conversation With Mates

After the England game last week, when we crashed out of Euro 2012 on penalties (again, penalties, always penalties!) me and my friends A and J went to the local park to have a kick-about (yes, at 12pm, yes, we were fairly drunk). We didn’t do it for very long though because it was dark and there weren’t many street lights near the grassy bit. So we decided to make our way over to the playground, and we went on the swings and the roundabout, because we’re that cool. We stayed there for over an hour because we were talking.

What were we talking about? Well, we were all guys, A had just broken up with his girlfriend, and J is constantly having little problems with his girlfriend. So naturally the topic, for most of the time, was sex. Firstly, A and J asked each other what they’d done sexually and stuff like that. Then A started talking about how he “hadn’t had sex in 5 weeks” and so was “so fucking horny”; he said he “couldn’t imagine how [I] must feel”, having never had sex at all, that it must be “unbelievably difficult”; I said “you have no idea”. Then J said how he was having a housewarming party for his new uni house he’s moving into in September, and how we should go to it, and then A suggested that him and J should ‘get me laid’. J said that there’s this girl he knows who kept flirting with him, saying she was looking for “a nice guy” and that maybe they could try and hook me up with her. I went along with it because I know it won’t happen, but their hearts are in the right place.

My friend J then went on to talk about his girlfriend, M, which I won’t really go into here. Basically, they’ve been together for over 4 years but, for various reasons, some justifiable and some not so much, she’s still very insecure about their relationship (for example, they can basically never go anywhere or do anything without each other). Although their relationship is strong, this continues and it a continuous source of low-level annoyance for J. By the end of this conversation it was about 1:30pm and they insisted that I could not walk back alone, and so I stayed at J’s house. They are such good friends, it was such a great night.

Just a shame about England…

Won’t Stop ‘Til The End Of The Day

This is something I felt like writing, sort of a Tenacious D-type (0r Lonely Island) comedy song/poem about sex. Hope you enjoy it lol.

Sitting here
I can’t control the urge
To grab myself
Not stop ’til I splurge

I can’t stop
‘Til the end of the day
When I see those girls
I drop my pants and I pray

Whether in a video
Or in a pic
When I see that skin
I can’t help but click

I’ll never get a fitty
In real life
So I keep clicking
As I stare at their kitty

Sitting here
I can’t control the urge
To grab myself
Not stop ’til I splurge

Categories: Life, Poetry, Sex Tags: , , ,

A Few Friend Things

Yesterday I watched the England vs France match with a few of my friends during which we got fairly drunk (I got quite drunk) and afterwards we started playing ‘I have never’. This is kinda an easy game for me to play cos I haven’t really done anything; I could basically say “I have never done x sexual thing’ and they’d have to drink and I wouldn’t. So during the course of this my friends said that they were determined to get me laid for the first time during my 21st birthday celebrations next week – they even suggested we all get hotel rooms so we have somewhere other than home to take girls back to. It was a strange thing to suggest but I doubt it will happen anyway.

During this drinking session my friends revealed something I didn’t know about myself; apparently I’m a “touchy-feely drunk”. I knew I was a ‘huggy drunk’, but I didn’t know I was actually a bit more than huggy, but ‘touchy-feely’. According to them, once, when I was drunk when they and another one of my friends, E, was here, and I tried to touch her boobs, full-on, with-both-hands style. This doesn’t seem like something I would ever do, but I suppose drink can make people do uncharacteristic things. On a similar note, I started chatting to one of my blog followers who I’ve got to know via msn and fb on Whatsapp after all my friends had gone home, and she asked me if I was “feeling needy?”. I’m not quite sure what she meant but I took it to be negative, I dunno, like when I’m drunk I begin to crave the attention of the opposite sex, or are only interested in talking to her when I’m drunk and feeling horny or something? God knows. This morning I asked her to explain what she meant but she said she was busy and would do so later. That’ll be interesting…

As one of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend he also suggested that we could go out ‘on the pull’ together, that I could be his ‘wingman’. It’s funny actually, since he broke up with his girlfriend he’s been really keen to meet up, socialise etc with me, much more than any of my other friends. When we were talking about the break-up he actually said he was kinda glad, cos when he looked back on their relationship he felt like he was doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. It’s a shame about them, but it’s nice to have my friend back.

On an unrelated note, my parents are getting quite desperate about booking a summer holiday, they’re now even considering Bulgaria, since I mentioned I was looking to go with J-O a while ago.

Work Antics

The other day where I work one of my colleagues was talking about one of my other colleagues. She said that she had complained about him because his mood was ‘affecting his co-workers’ and he was apparently told by somebody, I’m not sure who, that he ‘needs to get laid’ and he apparently cried. Now I’m not sure if this was a joke, but even if it was it was a pretty insensitive, and if it wasn’t, then its very insensitive and out of order, even if this was said to him in jest.

What made it all the more awful to my mind is the fact that this guy is several years younger than me yet he’s already been teased for his lack of success with women. If they think that’s he’s strange for not being successful with women, then imagine what they would find out that I’m an (almost) 21 year-old virgin who has never had a proper girlfriend.

It also vindicates my long-standing policy of putting on a ‘brave face’ in public; to look and act depressed in public is just asking for unwanted attention to yourself. Much better to bottle it up now and regret it later than to reveal your feelings to everyone and be mocked. The world is much better if they don’t know how I really feel; hence this blog…


The Inexperienced Lament

In Two Minds

The weather here in the UK was very nice this week. Down south here it got up to about 20 Celsius. I was in two minds about this in a certain respect though. The first is that the weather is hot, which is nice, and this meant that suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is also nice. Yet I also came at this from another angle. This second view is that yes, the weather is hot, which is nice, and suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is not nice – which is torturous. Why? Because it makes me think of how I’ve never been with a girl, how I don’t think I will ever get with a girl that is as sexy as these girls that are walking around with short shorts, their sexy legs showing, and their tops that show quite a bit of cleavage and aren’t covered up by any other layers of clothing (yes this is a really, really shallow trail of thought, to Shallow Hal kind of level of shallow), how if I ever do get with a girl, it’ll be in years time; I’ll never get to have sex with a girl that’s 18 – 21, the kind of girl you’d see in porn (yes my mind is messed up).

It also doesn’t help with my recent decision to try not to think about sex at all. I’ve tried to stop looking at porn, at ‘touching myself’. I want to try and stop looking at women when I’m walking down the street. But I’ve found it really hard. I can’t even get away from sex at work – yesterday one of my co-workers was talking about sex, how this guy had ‘arrived prematurely’ and seemed to imply she’d had sex with several other employees (not sure if this was serious but made me jealous and at the same time a bit disgusted).

Yes, my relationship with sex is, if you’ll excuse the pun, fucked up beyond belief.

%d bloggers like this: