Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

The Final Goodbye

At the weekend I had my Graduation Ball. On Tuesday I had my Graduation Ceremony. I now have a B.A. (Hons.) History and Politics degree, Upper Second Class. University is officially over for me. So is this blog.

I have enjoyed writing this blog, or rather, have enjoyed the companionship which it has to some extent brought me. I have even made one or two friends through it, albeit online ones. I’ve been disappointed with the lack of comments in comparison to how many views my blog has got, but I do appreciate every comment I get, be it critical or positive ones. In the almost four years I’ve been writing, I’ve got just under 15,500 views on 572 posts (including this one). That’s about 27 views per post, even though a great majority of those are hits on my few top posts that always seem to come from odd internet searches. Probably my blog will continue to see hits long after I have stopped posting here.

I am leaving the site up for now, I am not deleting it. I will keep checking in for any comments or messages I recieve. I will probably continue to update my blog’s Twitter account (found in the side menu) for a while. Certainly if I begin to blog again I will post the new address here, should any of my old followers of this blog seek to check in on me – do not stop following the blog if you wish to do so.

I’ve had a strange life journey throughout this blog. I started off alone and unhappy. The middle section was spent madly in love with J-O. The final section was spent alone and unhappy once more. In many ways those who have followed my blog from the beginning have seen me come full circle. I thank all those who have continued to follow my fortunes since the beginning of this blog, but also those who have only recently discovered me. I thank you all.

Now it is time to say goodbye. For a while at least. I wish you all a very fond farewell, and good luck in your own lives. I will hope that I myself will have some luck too.




The Grad Ball

Well, I got back from Portsmouth a few hours ago after staying in my friend’s hotel room for the night, although I didn’t get much sleep because of his snoring.

The Grad Ball was a decidedly mixed affair. On the one hand I enjoyed the meal I had with my friend and his housemates at Pizza Express beforehand, and at the Ball itself I enjoyed  ‘silent disco’ they had going – we spent several hours in there. Unfortunately, the rest of it was kind of rubbish. The club bit was fun kinda fun when they were just playing music, but when the band came on we all found it uncomfortably loud – I myself found it rather unpleasant, so we soon left for the silent disco. This night was made worse by the fact it took about 15 – 20 mins to queue to buy a drink, so me and my friends soon gave up trying to drink – I only had 4 drinks in the 5 hours (we arrived at 9pm and left at 2am, when it had started at 7pm and ended at 3am, and the ‘after party’ went on until 5am) we were there, and that I started to feel a bit unwell after an hour or so, for unknown reasons. I can’t say it would have been any better if J-O was there or if I’d been able to have more drinks though. Overall, the time we spent in the club and the silent disco was fun, but for the rest of the time I felt a fair bit like I did at my secondary school prom – different, alone while surrounded by either (a) couples, (b) confident guys or (b) confident and good-looking girls.

To be honest I’m surprised I expected anything more from the evening. I know what I’m like, I should have seen it would have been like this…

In A Bad Place

I am in a bad place right now. Recent revelations, of J-O’s new relationship, has sent me into a tailspin. I thought I was moving on, but once more I realise that I have yet to do any such thing. One year on, the wound is yet to heal. I’m not sure how I even feel about the whole thing. I want to be her friend, because I still care about her as a friend, yet I am not fully over her as more than a friend. I have spent this last year with few emotional outlets, save this blog. Most of all I miss just having her to talk to. I miss having any friends to talk to. It sounds stupid but she was my world for such a long time. Without her to chat to, I am not sure what would have happened to me during university. Before her, I had nobody else; after her, I have nobody else. Since university finished at the beginning of June all I have done is sat at home, trying to apply for jobs but getting nowhere, not even getting a single interview. My current part-time job is becoming so mind-numbingly boring and frustrating that I can barely summon the strength to do anything while there. When I am at home I stay in my room, blobbed in front of my laptop or PS3, and I sometimes spend about 5 mins staring into space thinking of things to do. It’s got to the point where I can’t even be bothered to play MW3, and playing the latest CODs online 24/7 has been my favorite pastime for the last 5 years. I want to move to a different city, to have a new and interesting job, but instead I’m stuck at my parents house with nothing to do and nothing I want to do. I keep meaning to start writing something, maybe a novel, but I can’t be bothered, even though I have nothing else to do.

What I would like, if nothing else, is a hug. A nice long hug that makes me feel like I’m not alone. A nice long hug that says, hey, everything may seem bad now, but it can only get better, right?

An Apology

I owe everyone an apology for my last post. I let my truly dark side out and many of you, naturally, were appalled. I am sorry. I am sorry for objectifying women, and one particular woman in particular. I did not realise quite how crass I was being. I am in a bad place right now, but I know that this does not in any way justify or mitigate what I said. To be honest, I am not myself sure where this side of me came from. I have always looked down upon those who treated women as objects, and now I find that I am one of those people. I have let myself down.

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An Injustice (J-O)

This morning when I woke up I had a thought. A thought about one major injustice in my recent life. That me and J-O were ‘together’ for over a year and yet I never had sex with her, whereas this new boyfriend of hers has not known her nearly as long, nor will have been in a relationship with her for anywhere near as long, yet will probably get to have sex with her soon, if they haven’t had sex already. Read more…

Moving Out?

I’ve recently decided that I want to get out of Southampton, where I’ve lived all my life, and go somewhere new; get a proper job, a proper flat or house share. To live independently. But it occurs to me that I haven’t really thought this through. I’ve spent my entire life living at home – how would I cope living alone or in a house share? I haven’t learnt how to cook or clean for myself, to be able to shop for myself. Admittedly, I already know what spending most of my time alone is like, as I spend almost all my day in my room, so that won’t probably be a problem, although not having anyone in the house/flat at all (unless I live in London with a houseshare) may turn out to actually bother me.

So, ok, I’d have to learn how to cook and clean, but at the end of the day, they’re not the most difficult tasks to master. Conversely, I’d have my own life, without anybody to look over my shoulder (or, if in a house share, a lot more freedom but perhaps some silent judging). I could finally actually try and use internet dating sites to have dates with girls without worrying about my parents judging me. I could go out when I wanted, do what I wanted (money-permitting of course). I just want some freedom, a change of pace, a change of scenery. I want to challenge myself for the first time in my life.

But before all of that, I have to find a job…

Grad Ball, No J-O

I talked to J-O last night about the Grad Ball. She said: ” i cannot come next weekend today the mother talked to me. she flies to Honk Kong next weekend and i have to look afetr the kids. i am gonna be working. there is noone else that can look after them”. I just said “yeah ok”. I tried to talk but after about 5 mins she stopped replying and went offline.

For a few mins I was kinda ok with it, but very quickly I started getting upset. I even cried a tiny bit. I dunno, I expected her to say she couldn’t come, but I did kinda get my hopes up actually. I knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her, and I was kinda hoping that it would be a nice final time together, instead of us just stopping talking to each other and drifting apart. I had also entertained the possibility that, because she would be staying in my house, in my room, that something might happen. I feel like such an idiot. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel come the actual Ball. Hopefully I’ll just enjoy it and not think about her. I hope…

EDIT: Ok, I actually wrote this last night, from when you’re reading it, and after I wrote all that above, I started chatting to a friend who is also friends with J-O on fb, and apparently J-O has been ‘in a relationship’ for at least two weeks, but it’s obviously hidden from me by her in her settings. I dunno, it’s probably a good thing. It’s funny how it’s the complete opposite of what she said to me a while back, that she “doesn’t think [she] could have a relationship with anyone here” cos of the distance involved compared to her home town. I’m tempted to tell her that I know, but I won’t, it will just make her angry. Fuck her. I more care that she felt she had to hide it than that she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. Fuck her, I don’t need her bullshit.

Edit #2: I continued talking with my friend and she convinced me to move on. I deleted all the photos of J-O from my phone. I cried when I did it, I’m still kinda crying as I write this, but hopefully this will turn out to be another positive step along the road of moving on from J-O…

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