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The Grad Ball

Well, I got back from Portsmouth a few hours ago after staying in my friend’s hotel room for the night, although I didn’t get much sleep because of his snoring.

The Grad Ball was a decidedly mixed affair. On the one hand I enjoyed the meal I had with my friend and his housemates at Pizza Express beforehand, and at the Ball itself I enjoyed  ‘silent disco’ they had going – we spent several hours in there. Unfortunately, the rest of it was kind of rubbish. The club bit was fun kinda fun when they were just playing music, but when the band came on we all found it uncomfortably loud – I myself found it rather unpleasant, so we soon left for the silent disco. This night was made worse by the fact it took about 15 – 20 mins to queue to buy a drink, so me and my friends soon gave up trying to drink – I only had 4 drinks in the 5 hours (we arrived at 9pm and left at 2am, when it had started at 7pm and ended at 3am, and the ‘after party’ went on until 5am) we were there, and that I started to feel a bit unwell after an hour or so, for unknown reasons. I can’t say it would have been any better if J-O was there or if I’d been able to have more drinks though. Overall, the time we spent in the club and the silent disco was fun, but for the rest of the time I felt a fair bit like I did at my secondary school prom – different, alone while surrounded by either (a) couples, (b) confident guys or (b) confident and good-looking girls.

To be honest I’m surprised I expected anything more from the evening. I know what I’m like, I should have seen it would have been like this…

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Less Than 1 Week Until Grad Ball…

It’s less than 1 week until my university’s Graduation Ball and I still have no idea if J-O will be coming. I sent her a message last weekend (7th) reminding her that it was in two week’s time, to which she didn’t respond. Although it was not a message that was worded in a way that required a response, it would be nice if she’d acknowledged it, as her ignoring things usually means no. But as I say, the message didn’t require a response, so I hope it’s not an indication that she’s backing out. I tried to chat to her on Thursday, just generally; she did respond initially, but then stopped, although I think fb chat was having problems that day. So, basically, with less than a week to go I still have no idea if she’s coming or not.

She’s been back in the UK almost 3 weeks now but I’ve not talked to her much, because I don’t want to get on her nerves. I’m hoping that my lack of contact will not be interpreted negatively, as used to be a problem. Usually these days she views lack of contact a good thing, as it shows I only like her as a friend, so I hope she’ll take it that way (although you never can tell with her). The plan is that I will send her a message tomorrow saying that we should arrange a time to talk about the Grad Ball in the next few days. If she ignores it, I know where I stand; if she does arrange a chat, I will still be very skeptical, but it will be overall taken as a positive indication.

Overall, I’m 99% sure she’ll say she can’t come, for some reason or another, if true or not. Basically, I can’t trust a word she says any more. I think it’s a good thing. At least this way I’m not disappointed when she inevitably says she ‘can’t come’. To be honest, I’m not even sure I want her there – I’m not sure how I’d feel seeing her for the first time in 6 months, especially as she’ll be all dressed-up. If she does come, I better not drink too much because I am likely to get ‘over-friendly’ if so. I just wish I knew if she was coming, and that I’d feel ok about it…

Socialising with Co-Workers?

Today one of my co-workers at my part-time job invited me – along with most of the other staff our age – to his ‘housewarming party’ (he’s moving in with his girlfriend; I’ll explain how I know that in a minute).

Now, I’ve never socialised with my co-workers before. I’ve been there almost five years now (which is crazy) but I’ve never met anybody from work outside work (aside from bumping into them in town on a night out once). Partly this is because when I first started, and for the first 3 years or so I was there, the majority of the staff were much older than me.  As such, I never got into the habit of going on staff socials. However, in the past 2 years most of the old ‘uns have left, and a much younger cohort of people now staff the store. Yet because I’ve not been to staff socials before I didn’t try to get into the habit, not to mention that because I’d been so reluctant to before, nobody bothers mentioning such things to me, I still haven’t been on any. Because of the young cohort that are now at the store though, I have been thinking about preparing to go on a staff social.

So, I began to seriously think about going to this ‘housewarming party’. However, there was one major snag: the person who was hosting the party. I knew him in primary school. He was the same age as me but was in the year below as he’d been kept back a year by his parents. He used to have this little ‘gang’ that used to harass me in… year 4 or 5 I think it was. As you can imagine, this meant that I hated him, and have vowed to never speak to me since. His mum and my mum are still friends and although we both work at the same place (though he works only one day that is the same as when I work) I basically never speak to him, except when I have to.

So, this put me in a dilemma: do I go because it will be socialising with my co-workers (one who I kinda fancy said she was going) or do I not go because I don’t like this guy because of what happened 10 or more years ago and I don’t want to be friends with him?

My mum suggested I go, but with a friend, so I can have a person to fall back on if it doesn’t go well. I’m not sure to be honest. I’m still thinking about it. I will call my friend and see if he would like to go with me (presuming I would be able to take him with me if I go) and then I’ll decide nearer the time I think (although it’s only next week actually, so I don’t have very long to decide).

That Recurring Feeling

When I was at a party last night and was looking at some of the very nice-looking ladies in attendance, I got that sinking feeling again; that I will never have a girlfriend. Especially a good-looking one like these girls (yes this is a very shallow thought, for which I am ashamed to admit), like J-O. I’m no good at talking to new people, let alone girls; I wouldn’t dare pluck up the courage to talk to a random girl in public I liked the look of; in clubs, even with alcohol, I can’t approach girls.

This feeling stayed with me for the rest of the evening and came home to me even more when I was taking the train back as quite often there were couples around, getting on and off the train or waiting at the stations we stopped at. The most annoying of these was one couple, about my age, where the guy was sitting on a bench and the girl decided to straddle and hug him. This sounds like a very girly thought, I know, but I just wish I had somebody to hug, that’s all I want – to feel like somebody cares about me.

Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

Grad Ball?

The other day I got an email from my university reminding me about tickets for the Graduation Ball. Unlike previous such emails (which went into the ‘trash’ without a thought), I stopped and realised I hadn’t actually considered at all if I should go to this shindig. There are two strands of thought I have on this issue.

The first and most obvious one of these strands is regret. I would probably regret not going – after all, it’s only going to happen once. I may enjoy it. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, at least I can say I went; if you can say you went, you don’t have to reveal how you felt about it, whereas if you say you didn’t even go then you’d be instantly siezed on, with people saying energetically “were you insane!?” (or words to that effect).

The second and the one that sprang first to my mind is indifference. I would probably regret going – after all, I didn’t enjoy my prom, at which there were many more people that I knew, so why would I enjoy this? I’d just stand around looking like a right numpty, especially with no nice lady-friend to dance with (which I assume almost all people will). Admittedly this time I can drink alcohol, which would make it easier to grin-and-bear-it.

Overall I’m not sure. Besides which, I can’t even afford the ticket at the moment, although that should be sorted by tomorrow with a bit of a switcheroo of funds within my myriad of different accounts, from ISAs to savings to current accounts. I dunno. Maybe I should go. Especially since shame and peer pressure is such a powerful force in my life. Maybe I should ask if J-O wants to accompany me, which would solve the lady-friend problem, although she’d have to pay for herself.

Last Weekend & The New Girl

Last weekend I visited a friend, M, at her uni. On the same weekend, this girl who I’d met before, who is a friend of M’s and who I’ve talked to about relationships (including J-O) before (although only through fb chat), was visiting too. So I thought this might be a good opportunity to get to know her better in person.

We spent most of the time with M and her housemates, who were all a bit geeky, to varying degrees. We spent the early afternoon playing on M’s Xbox and I started drinking a bit before everyone else. Eventually we all headed to a pub, where we had dinner and each bought a round of two mixer jugs (as it was a Wetherspoons and they do a deal on that). This was when my level of drunkness peaked and, if I’m honest, I was concentrating on drinking more than interacting with everyone else (which, if anything, thinking about it, is just an excuse to be shy; I can’t talk because I’m busy drinking).

We left the pub at about 22:30, heading back to their house. When we got there more of M’s friends arrived and we played Mario Kart Wii for several hours. Again I didn’t interact much with the others. Firstly this was because I was concentrating on getting used to the Wii controls (I’ve never used a Wii before), but then everyone started talking about relationships, which I really did not want to talk about, so I stayed silent. Luckily, this was when everyone else’s drunkeness peaked, so they didn’t notice my shyness.

Finally, at about 3am, we began to wrap up Mario Kart and get the sofas ready for me and the girl to sleep on (one each, adjacent to each other). Everyone else said goodnight and we settled in for (what was left of) the night. Given my lack of interaction for the entire day with everyone, but especially with this girl (who I kinda like, if you didn’t already guess, though my Twitter followers may know already), I expected that we’d just go straight to sleep.

This didn’t happen, though. Instead, she decided to talk about M’s relationship problems, which I won’t go into. Then she began to discuss the day. She said how she liked M’s flatmates, that they seem really nice, that it’s a shame all but one of them be moving away next year (they are all second years but are moving for some reason I can’t remember). Then we moved onto discussing relationships, the topic being introduced by her via asked how me and J-O are doing. I said to her how I was trying to move on but that I didn’t think I would find anybody else soon. Then she started talking about her relationship, specifically her last one. She said that she wasn’t sure about starting a relationship at her uni or back here, since both would involve distance that she said she is keen to avoid, as her last relationship (which ended badly), was distance-based. I said that it is understandable. Then she said that she prefers to be friends first with guys, before going out with them. Immediately after she said that, she said she considered me to be a friend (which sounded suggestive to my mind, but might not actually be). She also said, a few minutes later I think, that her ideal guy would be a mix between the me and the 3 guys in the house. I pointed out that this was a strange ideal guy, based as it is on quite geeky people, though I can’t remember what was her response to this. She then said that I seemed quite quiet, perhaps because I was sobering up, and I agreed this probably was the cause, though I also said that it was also because they’d all started discussing relationships, which I didn’t want to talk about. She said ‘yeah, I think we peaked at different times, you were going down [in drunkeness] while I was still going up’. I’m not sure if that is significant in any way but it felt it at the time. She also suggested we visit M more often, and she said it would be good if I went at the same time as her because she ‘prefer[s] going with somebody else’ when visiting friends. I said that it sounded like a good idea (ok, that is probably just friendly but it does show she does want to spend time with me, for whatever reason).

So yeah, that was pretty much it. It was a mixed bag really, if looked at positively, or perhaps just friendly if looked at neutrally or negatively. I dunno. Maybe something will happen; maybe it won’t. It would be nice to have another friend at least. Interestingly, in the time since the weekend, I’ve found that her and J-O take up about the same amount of my thoughts. In a way I hope that it swings towards the former rather than the latter. Okay, the former isn’t exactly positive, but it’s better than dwelling on J-O; anything that’ll help me move on is good.

From now on this new girl I like will be referred to as J-R (I know it’s similar to J-O but it just makes it so much easier, for a reason I won’t disclose, but you might be able to guess). I doubt there will be many posts about her for now, but it may increase if (and I say if) anything happens. Which it probably won’t. But it’s nice to hope…

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