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The Final Goodbye

At the weekend I had my Graduation Ball. On Tuesday I had my Graduation Ceremony. I now have a B.A. (Hons.) History and Politics degree, Upper Second Class. University is officially over for me. So is this blog.

I have enjoyed writing this blog, or rather, have enjoyed the companionship which it has to some extent brought me. I have even made one or two friends through it, albeit online ones. I’ve been disappointed with the lack of comments in comparison to how many views my blog has got, but I do appreciate every comment I get, be it critical or positive ones. In the almost four years I’ve been writing, I’ve got just under 15,500 views on 572 posts (including this one). That’s about 27 views per post, even though a great majority of those are hits on my few top posts that always seem to come from odd internet searches. Probably my blog will continue to see hits long after I have stopped posting here.

I am leaving the site up for now, I am not deleting it. I will keep checking in for any comments or messages I recieve. I will probably continue to update my blog’s Twitter account (found in the side menu) for a while. Certainly if I begin to blog again I will post the new address here, should any of my old followers of this blog seek to check in on me – do not stop following the blog if you wish to do so.

I’ve had a strange life journey throughout this blog. I started off alone and unhappy. The middle section was spent madly in love with J-O. The final section was spent alone and unhappy once more. In many ways those who have followed my blog from the beginning have seen me come full circle. I thank all those who have continued to follow my fortunes since the beginning of this blog, but also those who have only recently discovered me. I thank you all.

Now it is time to say goodbye. For a while at least. I wish you all a very fond farewell, and good luck in your own lives. I will hope that I myself will have some luck too.

Goodbye.

    AnonymousTeenager

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Grad Ball, No J-O

I talked to J-O last night about the Grad Ball. She said: ” i cannot come next weekend today the mother talked to me. she flies to Honk Kong next weekend and i have to look afetr the kids. i am gonna be working. there is noone else that can look after them”. I just said “yeah ok”. I tried to talk but after about 5 mins she stopped replying and went offline.

For a few mins I was kinda ok with it, but very quickly I started getting upset. I even cried a tiny bit. I dunno, I expected her to say she couldn’t come, but I did kinda get my hopes up actually. I knew that it was probably the last time I was going to see her, and I was kinda hoping that it would be a nice final time together, instead of us just stopping talking to each other and drifting apart. I had also entertained the possibility that, because she would be staying in my house, in my room, that something might happen. I feel like such an idiot. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel come the actual Ball. Hopefully I’ll just enjoy it and not think about her. I hope…

EDIT: Ok, I actually wrote this last night, from when you’re reading it, and after I wrote all that above, I started chatting to a friend who is also friends with J-O on fb, and apparently J-O has been ‘in a relationship’ for at least two weeks, but it’s obviously hidden from me by her in her settings. I dunno, it’s probably a good thing. It’s funny how it’s the complete opposite of what she said to me a while back, that she “doesn’t think [she] could have a relationship with anyone here” cos of the distance involved compared to her home town. I’m tempted to tell her that I know, but I won’t, it will just make her angry. Fuck her. I more care that she felt she had to hide it than that she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. Fuck her, I don’t need her bullshit.

Edit #2: I continued talking with my friend and she convinced me to move on. I deleted all the photos of J-O from my phone. I cried when I did it, I’m still kinda crying as I write this, but hopefully this will turn out to be another positive step along the road of moving on from J-O…

Socialising with Co-Workers?

Today one of my co-workers at my part-time job invited me – along with most of the other staff our age – to his ‘housewarming party’ (he’s moving in with his girlfriend; I’ll explain how I know that in a minute).

Now, I’ve never socialised with my co-workers before. I’ve been there almost five years now (which is crazy) but I’ve never met anybody from work outside work (aside from bumping into them in town on a night out once). Partly this is because when I first started, and for the first 3 years or so I was there, the majority of the staff were much older than me.  As such, I never got into the habit of going on staff socials. However, in the past 2 years most of the old ‘uns have left, and a much younger cohort of people now staff the store. Yet because I’ve not been to staff socials before I didn’t try to get into the habit, not to mention that because I’d been so reluctant to before, nobody bothers mentioning such things to me, I still haven’t been on any. Because of the young cohort that are now at the store though, I have been thinking about preparing to go on a staff social.

So, I began to seriously think about going to this ‘housewarming party’. However, there was one major snag: the person who was hosting the party. I knew him in primary school. He was the same age as me but was in the year below as he’d been kept back a year by his parents. He used to have this little ‘gang’ that used to harass me in… year 4 or 5 I think it was. As you can imagine, this meant that I hated him, and have vowed to never speak to me since. His mum and my mum are still friends and although we both work at the same place (though he works only one day that is the same as when I work) I basically never speak to him, except when I have to.

So, this put me in a dilemma: do I go because it will be socialising with my co-workers (one who I kinda fancy said she was going) or do I not go because I don’t like this guy because of what happened 10 or more years ago and I don’t want to be friends with him?

My mum suggested I go, but with a friend, so I can have a person to fall back on if it doesn’t go well. I’m not sure to be honest. I’m still thinking about it. I will call my friend and see if he would like to go with me (presuming I would be able to take him with me if I go) and then I’ll decide nearer the time I think (although it’s only next week actually, so I don’t have very long to decide).

A Few Friend Things

Yesterday I watched the England vs France match with a few of my friends during which we got fairly drunk (I got quite drunk) and afterwards we started playing ‘I have never’. This is kinda an easy game for me to play cos I haven’t really done anything; I could basically say “I have never done x sexual thing’ and they’d have to drink and I wouldn’t. So during the course of this my friends said that they were determined to get me laid for the first time during my 21st birthday celebrations next week – they even suggested we all get hotel rooms so we have somewhere other than home to take girls back to. It was a strange thing to suggest but I doubt it will happen anyway.

During this drinking session my friends revealed something I didn’t know about myself; apparently I’m a “touchy-feely drunk”. I knew I was a ‘huggy drunk’, but I didn’t know I was actually a bit more than huggy, but ‘touchy-feely’. According to them, once, when I was drunk when they and another one of my friends, E, was here, and I tried to touch her boobs, full-on, with-both-hands style. This doesn’t seem like something I would ever do, but I suppose drink can make people do uncharacteristic things. On a similar note, I started chatting to one of my blog followers who I’ve got to know via msn and fb on Whatsapp after all my friends had gone home, and she asked me if I was “feeling needy?”. I’m not quite sure what she meant but I took it to be negative, I dunno, like when I’m drunk I begin to crave the attention of the opposite sex, or are only interested in talking to her when I’m drunk and feeling horny or something? God knows. This morning I asked her to explain what she meant but she said she was busy and would do so later. That’ll be interesting…

As one of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend he also suggested that we could go out ‘on the pull’ together, that I could be his ‘wingman’. It’s funny actually, since he broke up with his girlfriend he’s been really keen to meet up, socialise etc with me, much more than any of my other friends. When we were talking about the break-up he actually said he was kinda glad, cos when he looked back on their relationship he felt like he was doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. It’s a shame about them, but it’s nice to have my friend back.

On an unrelated note, my parents are getting quite desperate about booking a summer holiday, they’re now even considering Bulgaria, since I mentioned I was looking to go with J-O a while ago.

The Ultimate Irony

The ultimate irony of my personality is this: I don’t feel happy or worthwhile unless socialising with my friends, but I am awful at socialising. Literally, I live for my friends. Without my friends I have nothing. Without my friends life is pointless because then it’s just me and I’m, well, just a boring, not particularly bright individual. What I do to pass the time, playing videogames, is pointless, and most of the time these days I can’t even be bothered to do that any more. I have no hobbies, and can’t be bothered to start one. I have no girlfriend, nor am I able to look for one. I am a worthless piece of human being that knows he’s worthless but is so stupid he can’t be bothered to get off his backside to not be worthless. I have the ability to hold a conversation as well as a television turned on in an empty room and I am as much of an extrovert as a snail who refuses to come out of his shell.

I don’t know how to end this post. I’d thought about ending it with a ‘I wish I could just die’, but that’s stupid cos I’m not suicidal, except perhaps suicidally up my own arse. Thought about ending it with ‘wish somebody would kill me’ but, again, I really have no wish to die at all, quite the opposite. I shouldn’t have mentioned it really; it’s pretty insulting to those who really are depressed and suicidal. I’m just hanging on to some strange version of American teenager drama that I can’t seem to shake off. Like I’m trying a ‘cry for help’ but without anything to cry about. Oh dear, this really is going around in all sorts of strange twisted-logic circles. Lets just end it with this: I want to live, but I currently have no reason to… and might not ever…

A Lonesome Gig

So, as it turns out, nobody is willing to go with me to the gig in London on Thursday, even if I paid for their ticket. It’s disappointing, but hardly unexpected; I don’t expect anything but indifference from my friends these days. I considered spending the whole day in London on my own, just to reinforce in my own mind how alone I am, to stop myself getting any ideas about it even being otherwise, but then I decided that I would have too much of a miserable time and so I’ll just go for the gig then come back. I’ll arrive about an hour before it’s due to start and will get dinner at McDonalds. I’m also thinking of maybe finding a pub and having a solitary pint beforehand, to help me enjoy myself alone at the gig later, but I’m not sure I will, especially given how long it takes me to drink a pint. Maybe I could have half a pint. Or maybe something stronger, like a vodka and coke. I dunno, I guess I’ll just see how I feel on the day…

In Need of New Friends

I have come to the conclusion that I need new friends. I’ve arrived at this through several things, not least the fact that nobody was willing to accompany me to a Tenacious D gig next week even if I paid for their ticket. They just don’t seem interested in me any more. In many ways, I don’t blame them though. They have their new uni friends, their new uni life, or they’re graduating and will slowly be parting company with all of us anyway. I think that I have expected too much of them also, of wanting to meet up a lot, hang out or whatever. It is hardly surprising on a personal level either; I am perhaps the most boring person of the bunch. When there are several people in the group with wacky personalities that seem to be able to turn every thought into a life-long-friend-meme type thing, you know that it’s not going to be possible to stand out, it’s not going to be possible to seem anywhere near as interesting or exciting.

To be honest I’m not sure where to start looking for new friends. I’m not sure I will do any time soon. All I know is that I can no longer fight this losing battle, try and pester people into being sociable with me when they’re really not bothered. As I’ve said before, I think I should simply withdraw and focus on my career prospects. Not just because at least there I have some chance of success, but also that jobs, like school and college, are places to make friends.

It’ll come, in time. I hope…

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