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A Few Friend Things

Yesterday I watched the England vs France match with a few of my friends during which we got fairly drunk (I got quite drunk) and afterwards we started playing ‘I have never’. This is kinda an easy game for me to play cos I haven’t really done anything; I could basically say “I have never done x sexual thing’ and they’d have to drink and I wouldn’t. So during the course of this my friends said that they were determined to get me laid for the first time during my 21st birthday celebrations next week – they even suggested we all get hotel rooms so we have somewhere other than home to take girls back to. It was a strange thing to suggest but I doubt it will happen anyway.

During this drinking session my friends revealed something I didn’t know about myself; apparently I’m a “touchy-feely drunk”. I knew I was a ‘huggy drunk’, but I didn’t know I was actually a bit more than huggy, but ‘touchy-feely’. According to them, once, when I was drunk when they and another one of my friends, E, was here, and I tried to touch her boobs, full-on, with-both-hands style. This doesn’t seem like something I would ever do, but I suppose drink can make people do uncharacteristic things. On a similar note, I started chatting to one of my blog followers who I’ve got to know via msn and fb on Whatsapp after all my friends had gone home, and she asked me if I was “feeling needy?”. I’m not quite sure what she meant but I took it to be negative, I dunno, like when I’m drunk I begin to crave the attention of the opposite sex, or are only interested in talking to her when I’m drunk and feeling horny or something? God knows. This morning I asked her to explain what she meant but she said she was busy and would do so later. That’ll be interesting…

As one of my friends recently broke up with his girlfriend he also suggested that we could go out ‘on the pull’ together, that I could be his ‘wingman’. It’s funny actually, since he broke up with his girlfriend he’s been really keen to meet up, socialise etc with me, much more than any of my other friends. When we were talking about the break-up he actually said he was kinda glad, cos when he looked back on their relationship he felt like he was doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. It’s a shame about them, but it’s nice to have my friend back.

On an unrelated note, my parents are getting quite desperate about booking a summer holiday, they’re now even considering Bulgaria, since I mentioned I was looking to go with J-O a while ago.

The Ultimate Irony

The ultimate irony of my personality is this: I don’t feel happy or worthwhile unless socialising with my friends, but I am awful at socialising. Literally, I live for my friends. Without my friends I have nothing. Without my friends life is pointless because then it’s just me and I’m, well, just a boring, not particularly bright individual. What I do to pass the time, playing videogames, is pointless, and most of the time these days I can’t even be bothered to do that any more. I have no hobbies, and can’t be bothered to start one. I have no girlfriend, nor am I able to look for one. I am a worthless piece of human being that knows he’s worthless but is so stupid he can’t be bothered to get off his backside to not be worthless. I have the ability to hold a conversation as well as a television turned on in an empty room and I am as much of an extrovert as a snail who refuses to come out of his shell.

I don’t know how to end this post. I’d thought about ending it with a ‘I wish I could just die’, but that’s stupid cos I’m not suicidal, except perhaps suicidally up my own arse. Thought about ending it with ‘wish somebody would kill me’ but, again, I really have no wish to die at all, quite the opposite. I shouldn’t have mentioned it really; it’s pretty insulting to those who really are depressed and suicidal. I’m just hanging on to some strange version of American teenager drama that I can’t seem to shake off. Like I’m trying a ‘cry for help’ but without anything to cry about. Oh dear, this really is going around in all sorts of strange twisted-logic circles. Lets just end it with this: I want to live, but I currently have no reason to… and might not ever…

A Lonesome Gig

So, as it turns out, nobody is willing to go with me to the gig in London on Thursday, even if I paid for their ticket. It’s disappointing, but hardly unexpected; I don’t expect anything but indifference from my friends these days. I considered spending the whole day in London on my own, just to reinforce in my own mind how alone I am, to stop myself getting any ideas about it even being otherwise, but then I decided that I would have too much of a miserable time and so I’ll just go for the gig then come back. I’ll arrive about an hour before it’s due to start and will get dinner at McDonalds. I’m also thinking of maybe finding a pub and having a solitary pint beforehand, to help me enjoy myself alone at the gig later, but I’m not sure I will, especially given how long it takes me to drink a pint. Maybe I could have half a pint. Or maybe something stronger, like a vodka and coke. I dunno, I guess I’ll just see how I feel on the day…

In Need of New Friends

I have come to the conclusion that I need new friends. I’ve arrived at this through several things, not least the fact that nobody was willing to accompany me to a Tenacious D gig next week even if I paid for their ticket. They just don’t seem interested in me any more. In many ways, I don’t blame them though. They have their new uni friends, their new uni life, or they’re graduating and will slowly be parting company with all of us anyway. I think that I have expected too much of them also, of wanting to meet up a lot, hang out or whatever. It is hardly surprising on a personal level either; I am perhaps the most boring person of the bunch. When there are several people in the group with wacky personalities that seem to be able to turn every thought into a life-long-friend-meme type thing, you know that it’s not going to be possible to stand out, it’s not going to be possible to seem anywhere near as interesting or exciting.

To be honest I’m not sure where to start looking for new friends. I’m not sure I will do any time soon. All I know is that I can no longer fight this losing battle, try and pester people into being sociable with me when they’re really not bothered. As I’ve said before, I think I should simply withdraw and focus on my career prospects. Not just because at least there I have some chance of success, but also that jobs, like school and college, are places to make friends.

It’ll come, in time. I hope…

Current Exhaustion, Why I Feel How I Feel About J-O, and Companionship

I’ve been feeling pretty exhausted, both physically and mentally, and today I found myself being upset for no apparent reason. Although it was last day at university, that wasn’t the reason… having commuted there and made few friends in the three years I’d been there means that the place doesn’t have much hold over my thoughts. It might have been due to the recent return of my dissertation and it’s disappointing 2:2 mark. To be honest, I don’t really know. But it did also get me thinking about why I still feel so strongly about J-O, and I think I may have figured out why.

For the last three years and, well, way before that too to be honest, I either had hardly any friends or, when I was close to my friends during sixth form college, I wasn’t actually that ‘close’ to any of them. Neither did I have a girlfriend to talk to. Thus when she took and interest in me, made the effort to converse with me every day, to actually just talk to someone about anything and for them to seem interested was a major thing for me. I’ve spent the last 5 years or more mostly only staying in contact with people while at college or uni during breaks or on occasional social events, but little else apart from that. I’ve spent most of my time over the last 5 years when I wasn’t at college/uni or out with my friends sitting at my laptop trying desperatly to pass the time, without any communication with the outside world; and the outside world of my friends wasn’t too keen to peer in either, and who can blame them?

In short, for once in my life, I felt like someone cared about me, was interested in me, with whom I could share all my thoughts. And now, for the last year (in being, in fact, almost exactly a year since our argument over her finally arriving in the UK in the early morning with only 2 days notice requiring me to move heaven and earth just to see her, which I couldn’t them do and have regretted ever since [gasp for breath]), again nobody has cared about me, and I haven’t given anyone a reason to care about me (except perhaps you, dear readers, who I do appreciate, but at this same time isn’t anywhere near the same, I regret to say). So forgive me if I haven’t fully gotten over her yet…

Principles & Taking Advantage

The other day the girlfriend of one of my best friends posted on fb that she was single. My first thought was, naturally, that it was a terrible shame – they’ve been together for 4 years or so, seem really happy together and are so cute together. Yet less than an hour later I’d had another thought about it; of how I’d kinda liked her a little and this could be an opportunity for me. I rather offended myself with that thought. I pride myself on being a ‘principled’ person and in my book, even if you do fancy your friend’s girlfriend or only-just-ex-girlfriend, then you should not act on it. To do so would not just make the friendship awkward but also be a violation of the manly code of conduct where you must be respectful of the man’s feelings when it comes to women. Okay, it may be an outdated concept and seem a little silly, but it simply makes sense. You wouldn’t want it have done to you, so you should not do it to others. In that way, everybody wins in the long run.

Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

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