The Ultimate Irony

The ultimate irony of my personality is this: I don’t feel happy or worthwhile unless socialising with my friends, but I am awful at socialising. Literally, I live for my friends. Without my friends I have nothing. Without my friends life is pointless because then it’s just me and I’m, well, just a boring, not particularly bright individual. What I do to pass the time, playing videogames, is pointless, and most of the time these days I can’t even be bothered to do that any more. I have no hobbies, and can’t be bothered to start one. I have no girlfriend, nor am I able to look for one. I am a worthless piece of human being that knows he’s worthless but is so stupid he can’t be bothered to get off his backside to not be worthless. I have the ability to hold a conversation as well as a television turned on in an empty room and I am as much of an extrovert as a snail who refuses to come out of his shell.

I don’t know how to end this post. I’d thought about ending it with a ‘I wish I could just die’, but that’s stupid cos I’m not suicidal, except perhaps suicidally up my own arse. Thought about ending it with ‘wish somebody would kill me’ but, again, I really have no wish to die at all, quite the opposite. I shouldn’t have mentioned it really; it’s pretty insulting to those who really are depressed and suicidal. I’m just hanging on to some strange version of American teenager drama that I can’t seem to shake off. Like I’m trying a ‘cry for help’ but without anything to cry about. Oh dear, this really is going around in all sorts of strange twisted-logic circles. Lets just end it with this: I want to live, but I currently have no reason to… and might not ever…

  1. bmweed
    06/06/2012 at 8:24 pm

    If you ever feel lonely, get yourself into World of Warcraft or SWtOR and let me know via twitter – I’ll jump on and we can chat and play. I *have* been suicidal and trust me, its never that bad. NEVER. If you are lonely there are a lot of people out there to talk to, but it may just be online. My online friends are just as close and mean just as much as me as RL people I know.

    Please do not think that you are alone. It may sound terribly corny, but you are worthy and the world would be a worse place without you in it.

  2. 08/06/2012 at 7:31 pm

    As creepy and stalker-ish as this sounds, I was thinking about you the other day whilst I was out riding. You were the first blog I followed and I realized I hadn’t read your blog in a while and probably should. Anyway, the point of this wasn’t to freak you out, but to say; you can’t be that worthless if someone you’ve never met, someone who doesn’t know your name, someone you don’t know exists, occasionally pauses to wonder how your life is going. The power of blogs eh? lol 🙂

    • 08/06/2012 at 8:50 pm

      That is random lol, thanks a lot, hope life is going well for you 🙂

  3. puregreenjade
    27/06/2012 at 6:05 pm

    You know, I second what jimmylocks said. I HAVE wondered about you as well, like randomly and not in a creepy way. Mostly out of an almost sisterly concern, if you’re doing alright. You have a way of writing that makes people empathise with you, maybe it’s your self-deprecating humour and honesty about your feelings, your touching poems, and maybe it’s because you really are a decent guy just trying to make his way in this world. Who doesn’t root for the underdog eh? I just want to say that you aren’t alone in feeling the way you do. Keep writing and reaching out, there will be people who will reach back to you. I’m 100193021801938 miles (approx) away from you in an obscure Southeast Asian country, but here we are 🙂

    • 27/06/2012 at 6:32 pm

      Thanks a lot, I’m glad people read and like what I write and thanks for the concern 🙂

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