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Archive for May, 2012

In Need of New Friends

I have come to the conclusion that I need new friends. I’ve arrived at this through several things, not least the fact that nobody was willing to accompany me to a Tenacious D gig next week even if I paid for their ticket. They just don’t seem interested in me any more. In many ways, I don’t blame them though. They have their new uni friends, their new uni life, or they’re graduating and will slowly be parting company with all of us anyway. I think that I have expected too much of them also, of wanting to meet up a lot, hang out or whatever. It is hardly surprising on a personal level either; I am perhaps the most boring person of the bunch. When there are several people in the group with wacky personalities that seem to be able to turn every thought into a life-long-friend-meme type thing, you know that it’s not going to be possible to stand out, it’s not going to be possible to seem anywhere near as interesting or exciting.

To be honest I’m not sure where to start looking for new friends. I’m not sure I will do any time soon. All I know is that I can no longer fight this losing battle, try and pester people into being sociable with me when they’re really not bothered. As I’ve said before, I think I should simply withdraw and focus on my career prospects. Not just because at least there I have some chance of success, but also that jobs, like school and college, are places to make friends.

It’ll come, in time. I hope…

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Finished Uni!

Tutu

It’s official. I’ve finally finished uni. I had no exams, all my essays have been handed in, all books returned and any outstanding fines are paid. Now I’m just waiting for my result – which is looking kinda shaky, I may end up with a Desmond.  But there’s nothing I can do about it now. I shall be spending the next month or so until my graduation relaxing and searching for graduate jobs. I may not end up with a proper graduate job, I may have to get an ordinary job just to tie me over for a while.

The summer might be ok apart from that. I’m going to see Tenacious D in London next week and I shall be going to Amsterdam with a few friends at the end of August. Also, something might be happening between me and that J-R girl (but then it might not).

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with this blog once I’ve graduated. I’ll probably stop using it, since it was supposed to only be about my teenage years (hence my username) but got extended to include my uni years. I’m not sure if I’ll start another one right away, as I doubt I’ll have anything much to talk about for a while. If I did do another blog, I have no idea what I’d call it. If I do start another blog in the next year or so though I will be sure to post it here (if it’s anonymous).

Anyway, I’ll probably have a few posts between now and graduation, so see you all around 🙂

Current Exhaustion, Why I Feel How I Feel About J-O, and Companionship

I’ve been feeling pretty exhausted, both physically and mentally, and today I found myself being upset for no apparent reason. Although it was last day at university, that wasn’t the reason… having commuted there and made few friends in the three years I’d been there means that the place doesn’t have much hold over my thoughts. It might have been due to the recent return of my dissertation and it’s disappointing 2:2 mark. To be honest, I don’t really know. But it did also get me thinking about why I still feel so strongly about J-O, and I think I may have figured out why.

For the last three years and, well, way before that too to be honest, I either had hardly any friends or, when I was close to my friends during sixth form college, I wasn’t actually that ‘close’ to any of them. Neither did I have a girlfriend to talk to. Thus when she took and interest in me, made the effort to converse with me every day, to actually just talk to someone about anything and for them to seem interested was a major thing for me. I’ve spent the last 5 years or more mostly only staying in contact with people while at college or uni during breaks or on occasional social events, but little else apart from that. I’ve spent most of my time over the last 5 years when I wasn’t at college/uni or out with my friends sitting at my laptop trying desperatly to pass the time, without any communication with the outside world; and the outside world of my friends wasn’t too keen to peer in either, and who can blame them?

In short, for once in my life, I felt like someone cared about me, was interested in me, with whom I could share all my thoughts. And now, for the last year (in being, in fact, almost exactly a year since our argument over her finally arriving in the UK in the early morning with only 2 days notice requiring me to move heaven and earth just to see her, which I couldn’t them do and have regretted ever since [gasp for breath]), again nobody has cared about me, and I haven’t given anyone a reason to care about me (except perhaps you, dear readers, who I do appreciate, but at this same time isn’t anywhere near the same, I regret to say). So forgive me if I haven’t fully gotten over her yet…

Principles & Taking Advantage

The other day the girlfriend of one of my best friends posted on fb that she was single. My first thought was, naturally, that it was a terrible shame – they’ve been together for 4 years or so, seem really happy together and are so cute together. Yet less than an hour later I’d had another thought about it; of how I’d kinda liked her a little and this could be an opportunity for me. I rather offended myself with that thought. I pride myself on being a ‘principled’ person and in my book, even if you do fancy your friend’s girlfriend or only-just-ex-girlfriend, then you should not act on it. To do so would not just make the friendship awkward but also be a violation of the manly code of conduct where you must be respectful of the man’s feelings when it comes to women. Okay, it may be an outdated concept and seem a little silly, but it simply makes sense. You wouldn’t want it have done to you, so you should not do it to others. In that way, everybody wins in the long run.

Work Antics

The other day where I work one of my colleagues was talking about one of my other colleagues. She said that she had complained about him because his mood was ‘affecting his co-workers’ and he was apparently told by somebody, I’m not sure who, that he ‘needs to get laid’ and he apparently cried. Now I’m not sure if this was a joke, but even if it was it was a pretty insensitive, and if it wasn’t, then its very insensitive and out of order, even if this was said to him in jest.

What made it all the more awful to my mind is the fact that this guy is several years younger than me yet he’s already been teased for his lack of success with women. If they think that’s he’s strange for not being successful with women, then imagine what they would find out that I’m an (almost) 21 year-old virgin who has never had a proper girlfriend.

It also vindicates my long-standing policy of putting on a ‘brave face’ in public; to look and act depressed in public is just asking for unwanted attention to yourself. Much better to bottle it up now and regret it later than to reveal your feelings to everyone and be mocked. The world is much better if they don’t know how I really feel; hence this blog…

 

Getting Restless

Over the last few weeks I’ve changed somewhat. Beforehand, I’d envisioned staying in Southampton my whole life, because I love this city and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. But recently I realised that staying here is only holding me back – for me to make a better life for myself I need to get away, get out of my comfort zone. I also realised that I want to go into something to do with government or politics, and for that I need to look towards London. I just feel that my life is going nowhere stuck here, that I need to branch out, to move, to take charge of my own life, in order to progress. In pursuit of this I’ve applied for several jobs in London. I have no idea if I’ll get them. In fact, I’m feeling rather pessimistic about it.

All I know is, I have to do something and, if I can’t get a job there and move right away, I have to do it within the next few years. I just can’t stand staying at home, staying in this city of limited opportunities; it is holding me back.

Travel Plans Progressing

I posted a few weeks ago about how I want to do a bit of travelling. Well, in my last ever uni seminar the other day, during the break, somebody mentioned that there are cheap coaches to several European cities from London. I mentioned this on my Facebook to see if any of my friends wanted to go. Well, J-R posted a comment saying she’d like to go again (she’s been before) with me and M. I asked if she would be willing to do it with some of my other friends too but she didn’t respond.

Well, today I started talking to J-R on fb chat and I slowly steered the conversation towards discussing it. I asked if she was serious and she said yes. I asked who she wanted to go with and she said M and J-A (M’s boyfriend and one of my best friends). I asked J-R if she wanted to invite her boyfriend and she said:

nah coz he lives in kent
we arnt mega mega close
not like [J-A & M]

So, if this does happen, it will be just me, J-R, who by the sounds of it won’t be with her boyfriend by that time, and M and J-A. i.e. a couple and me and her, two single people. If that doesn’t sound like a trip engineered for something to possibly happen between me and J-R, I dunno what is. Okay, maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe it’s just innocent. But I can’t help feeling slightly hopeful…

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