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Archive for April, 2012

Trying to Hold Firm

I’m sat here
staring out the window
as the world rushes by
as it always has

I’m sat here
trying to weather the storm
as waves of despair crash over me
more intense than ever before

I’m sat here
trying to stay in control
as my stomach slowly churns
as my mouth turns dry

I’m sat here
my will is failing
I put my hand over my face
as my eyes gently weep

I’m sat here
hoping nobody notices
as the train pulls into the station
my eyes force themselves dry

I step out the door
I draw myself up
it’s time for another day
as I slowly wither inside

Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

Gone to the Glasses Side

For several years now – about 5 I think – I’ve known I’ve had a weak muscle in one of my eyes, and I’ve had 2 pairs of glasses in that time. The first pair I never wore, because I was too embarassed. The latest pair I got about a year ago, and I’ve worn them occasionally when I’m at home at once when I went into uni, because I’d been working hard on my dissertation and my eyes were feeling the strain.

But in the last few weeks I’ve been getting increasingly worried about my weak-muscled eye. When I look in the mirror I’m pretty sure this is slowly turning into a full-blown lazy eye. Given the way I look anyway, the last thing I need is to develop a proper lazy eye.

So I’m going to be wearing my glasses pretty much all the time now I think, except for maybe when I go out to town or something like that. Hopefully this will stop it getting any worse, even if it is too late to correct it in any way. I’d much rather wear glasses than have a lazy eye. Glasses can look kinda cool – a lazy eye is perhaps one of the worst (no offence to any people who have this unfortunate condition), because of its prominence, especially in romantic situations where the eye is a major focus point, things to have.

I just hope that by using my glasses much more from now on that it won’t get any worse 😐

Plinky – Sarcasm

I hate sarcasm; life would be so much better without it, wouldn’t it? Then there would be no polite-ish way to disagree with someone, and we’d have to spell everything out to each other, and everyone would hate each other, wouldn’t that be great?
Oh, in case you hadn’t noticed, I was being sarcastic… 😉

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Plinky – Changing My Hair Color?

Plinky Prompt – Could you pull off a different hair color?

I doubt it – I can’t bear to change the style of my hair, never mind the colour of it! If you knew me and saw my first primary school class photo you’d be able to tell instantly which one is me because I look so similar. Literally, I’ve had the same hairstyle forever. Actually, I tell a lie: I had a mohican for a while after David Beckham made it briefly popular. Apart from that though, I just can’t see myself with a different hairstyle. I guess I’m boring like that…
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Trips I Want To Do Within The Next 5 – 10 Years

Today I was thinking that I should do some travelling while I’m still young. Ideally I’d like to do most of these with friends, but I expect some of them could well be done alone. Here’s a list of those places or events in foreign countries I’d like to visit.

Events:

Comic-Con International – San Diego, California, U.S.A.

I think this might well be the one that I would end up going to on my own. To be honest, I’m not sure that even I am geeky enough to particularly enjoy it, never mind any of my friends. It would be nice to be able to say I’ve been there though. I went to Star Wars Celebration Europe on my own, which was ok, and I’d imagine that it would be kinda similar to that. I must say though that this is probably the one I am least likely to do.

Oktoberfest – Munich, Bavaria, Germany.

I’ve talked about this before and, to be honest, it’s something that I think everyone has to attend at least once in their lives, especially while they are still young. If I can be bothered, I might try and see if my friends want to go next year. I had tried to convince everyone to go this year but gave up quite quickly. I really do hope I can do this with my friends soon though, because it sounds awesome 😀

Places:

New York, U.S.A & Washington D.C., U.S.A.

I’m putting these together since obviously if I was to visit one, I’d probably visit the other in the same trip (seems a bit stupid otherwise, right?). I don’t particularly like all the hoops you seem to have to go through to visit the USA since 9/11, but again I think that they are places that you have to visit at least once – especially perhaps the world’s most iconic city, New York. Not sure if my friends would particularly like to go here with me, but I imagine going on my own would be fine.

Amsterdam, The Netherlands; Rome, Italy & Vienna, Austria.

Recently one of my uni friends said that him and a bunch of mates might be going to trip around Europe. I don’t think it’s actually happening – I haven’t heard anything about it since – but I would like to visit these places, perhaps in one trip, perhaps not, at some point. All historic, famous cities, of course; all centers of empires at some point in history, with impressive architectural legacies (partly) as a result.

Relationship-Related Hoarding

Today I removed two cards I got from J-O over the past few months – a Christmas one and Valentines one – from beside my bed to inside my wardrobe, where I keep all my other correspondence from J-O. This got me thinking of how I hoard things centered around J-O, not just from when we were ‘together’ but also since we’ve been ‘just friends’. (I also thought it would be an interesting topic for here, especially given my lack of posts recently).

I have kept all the letters, cards and postcards she has ever sent me. Furthermore, I have kept the train, tube tickets and London bike hire receipts from whenever I have visited her (from both when we were ‘together’ and ‘just friends’). This hoarding has also extended digitally, where I have kept everything she has ever sent me online, from pictures of her, pictures of us, right down to random things she has sent me in general Skype conversation. I’ve even transferred our Skype message history (right from our first chat, more than 2 years ago now) to a more readable HTML file in case I lose my message history through Skype itself. I even have several word documents detailing exactly all my memories from our first few meets, in a much detail as I can remember (I wrote them as soon as I got home, because my memory is dire and I want to have something that can more easily trigger those memories in the future). I keep it all in one folder, which I don’t ever look at (it’s too painful, especially the pictures), but I back it up on my USB stick too, just like my uni work.

I’m not sure if this is a good idea, I’ll be honest. It’s probably a terrible idea. I see it this way, though: we had a good time together while it lasted and, although it’s too painful to look through at the moment, I will appreciate having the memories easily accessible in later life. This is especially important to me as my memory is terrible. It was my life for over a year (well, in some ways it’s part of my life even today, over 2 years since me and J-O first spoke, 6 months since we last did things that were ‘more than friendly’, if you see what I mean, even though I am trying for it not to be a part of my life).

Something I read last year reinforced this view for me. It was in the book The Last Tommy. Harry Patch talks about how his wife kept the ring from a man she was previously engaged to, that was killed in WWI, on the dressing table in their home, and how this did not bother him in the slightest. He doesn’t say why but I think it was for the same reason: he respected that she had somebody she had loved in the past, and to remember fondly something that was part of your life in the past, without wanting to return to it, is a perfectly natural, perfectly human desire.

I’m interested to know: what do you, readers, think?

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