An Incongruous Question

When I visited M the other weekend, she asked me a question. It was a question that puzzled me at the time but I’d forgotten to mention on here. It was question I did not want to answer, could not answer, and one she should not have asked.

She said to me: “J (her boyfriend and one of my best friends) said that he thought that you used to like me when I first came into the [friendship] group.” Then she asked me: “Is that true?”, quickly adding “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, I’m just curious.”

Why would you ask such a question? Why would you expect an honest response to such a question?

I must confess that I did like her, actually for quite a long time, until the end of college (almost 2 years). I still kind of like her, actually. But at the same time I knew my place. J and M quickly got together, and I was happy for them. They were such a cute couple, and still are, and I think they will last a long time. I knew that I could not give in to my feelings, because it would be wrong to do so. I am not the type of person who would do that. I have quite a strong sense, especially for these times, of friendship, honor and chivalry. It forms a strong part of who I am. To not follow these ideals would give me no positives about myself to draw on. So, just like I could not show my feelings then, so I could not show my feelings now. I simply said to her “I can’t remember, it was so long ago”, and left it at that. She didn’t push it any further, and apologised for asking it.

Yet I still can’t understand why she would ask me this. For me to answer such a question does nobody any good. I have to keep my mouth shut, just like I had to keep those feelings shut up. No good can come of either.

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