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Songs That Catch My Mood – In The End

In the End – Linkin Park

This song caught my mood the other day, I found I could really relate to it about how I feel about J-O these days.
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
This really caught my mood. It makes me think of all the time I spent ‘waiting’ for her, over 1 1/2 years of my life that I wasted because I was ‘with’ her and was fooled into thinking we’d make it work together. How I spent all that time waiting for her, thinking she loved me, yet it was inevitably going to fail because of the way she thinks.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

The first line here reminds me of how for ages there were danger signs that I chose to ignore until it finally crashed down around me. The second line makes me think of how I am trying to move on, how I hope that my feelings for her will become just memories. The other lines, particularly the “it doesn’t even matter” bit, again makes me think of how it was probably inevitable that it would fail, not because of any actions of mine, but how she thinks ruining it.
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
This I found particularly significant because of the way she has treated me since she came to the UK, only seeing me when she wants, only talking to me when she feels like it, acting like I was hers even though she wasn’t mine. The last two lines were significant because of a previous argument before she came to the UK that, looking back, gave a strong indication towards what she would later think about ‘us’ working as a couple Southampton-to-London.
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
This relates more to my hopes, how I hope to successfully move on from J-O, leave my feelings for her behind, leave me with memories, being able to remember the good times and not feel bitter about the bad times.
Not that you knew me back then
This is an important line because it reflects my feelings that, although we talked so much when we were ‘together’ online, she doesn’t seem to have actually payed much attention; during one argument just after she started uni she said “I don’t know you”.
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Lastly, this part really strikes me. It makes me think of how I trusted her when she said that she loved me; how I trusted her when I was assured we would be together, and for a long time; how despite the distance Southampton-to-London we could make it work together. How this all came crashing down, seemingly inevitably because of her feelings on this that she made known once she was here; how it doesn’t matter what I feel, what I want, she only thinks about what she wants.
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