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Archive for March, 2012

In Two Minds

The weather here in the UK was very nice this week. Down south here it got up to about 20 Celsius. I was in two minds about this in a certain respect though. The first is that the weather is hot, which is nice, and this meant that suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is also nice. Yet I also came at this from another angle. This second view is that yes, the weather is hot, which is nice, and suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is not nice – which is torturous. Why? Because it makes me think of how I’ve never been with a girl, how I don’t think I will ever get with a girl that is as sexy as these girls that are walking around with short shorts, their sexy legs showing, and their tops that show quite a bit of cleavage and aren’t covered up by any other layers of clothing (yes this is a really, really shallow trail of thought, to Shallow Hal kind of level of shallow), how if I ever do get with a girl, it’ll be in years time; I’ll never get to have sex with a girl that’s 18 – 21, the kind of girl you’d see in porn (yes my mind is messed up).

It also doesn’t help with my recent decision to try not to think about sex at all. I’ve tried to stop looking at porn, at ‘touching myself’. I want to try and stop looking at women when I’m walking down the street. But I’ve found it really hard. I can’t even get away from sex at work – yesterday one of my co-workers was talking about sex, how this guy had ‘arrived prematurely’ and seemed to imply she’d had sex with several other employees (not sure if this was serious but made me jealous and at the same time a bit disgusted).

Yes, my relationship with sex is, if you’ll excuse the pun, fucked up beyond belief.

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The moment I woke up I began thinking about J-O. I have no idea why. Why is it so difficult to move on? Why can’t I just forget about her as easily as she forgot about me? I then compounded my mistake by looking at her fb profile. I looked through some photos she uploaded last night and there was one of her looking very beautiful, obviously getting ready for a night out. My eyes started to well up a little. I miss her so much. I miss kissing her, hugging her, holding hands with her. I miss her voice, her smile, her beautiful eyes.

Why the fuck can’t I move on? 😥

What Can You Say?

What can you say
When the hope flies away
Once more

What can you say
When the weather turns grey
Once more

What can you say
When your heart is astray
Once more

What can you say
When your life drains away
Once more?

Grad Ball?

The other day I got an email from my university reminding me about tickets for the Graduation Ball. Unlike previous such emails (which went into the ‘trash’ without a thought), I stopped and realised I hadn’t actually considered at all if I should go to this shindig. There are two strands of thought I have on this issue.

The first and most obvious one of these strands is regret. I would probably regret not going – after all, it’s only going to happen once. I may enjoy it. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, at least I can say I went; if you can say you went, you don’t have to reveal how you felt about it, whereas if you say you didn’t even go then you’d be instantly siezed on, with people saying energetically “were you insane!?” (or words to that effect).

The second and the one that sprang first to my mind is indifference. I would probably regret going – after all, I didn’t enjoy my prom, at which there were many more people that I knew, so why would I enjoy this? I’d just stand around looking like a right numpty, especially with no nice lady-friend to dance with (which I assume almost all people will). Admittedly this time I can drink alcohol, which would make it easier to grin-and-bear-it.

Overall I’m not sure. Besides which, I can’t even afford the ticket at the moment, although that should be sorted by tomorrow with a bit of a switcheroo of funds within my myriad of different accounts, from ISAs to savings to current accounts. I dunno. Maybe I should go. Especially since shame and peer pressure is such a powerful force in my life. Maybe I should ask if J-O wants to accompany me, which would solve the lady-friend problem, although she’d have to pay for herself.

J-R Now Has A Boyfriend

An Incongruous Question

When I visited M the other weekend, she asked me a question. It was a question that puzzled me at the time but I’d forgotten to mention on here. It was question I did not want to answer, could not answer, and one she should not have asked.

She said to me: “J (her boyfriend and one of my best friends) said that he thought that you used to like me when I first came into the [friendship] group.” Then she asked me: “Is that true?”, quickly adding “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, I’m just curious.”

Why would you ask such a question? Why would you expect an honest response to such a question?

I must confess that I did like her, actually for quite a long time, until the end of college (almost 2 years). I still kind of like her, actually. But at the same time I knew my place. J and M quickly got together, and I was happy for them. They were such a cute couple, and still are, and I think they will last a long time. I knew that I could not give in to my feelings, because it would be wrong to do so. I am not the type of person who would do that. I have quite a strong sense, especially for these times, of friendship, honor and chivalry. It forms a strong part of who I am. To not follow these ideals would give me no positives about myself to draw on. So, just like I could not show my feelings then, so I could not show my feelings now. I simply said to her “I can’t remember, it was so long ago”, and left it at that. She didn’t push it any further, and apologised for asking it.

Yet I still can’t understand why she would ask me this. For me to answer such a question does nobody any good. I have to keep my mouth shut, just like I had to keep those feelings shut up. No good can come of either.

Songs That Catch My Mood – In The End

In the End – Linkin Park

This song caught my mood the other day, I found I could really relate to it about how I feel about J-O these days.
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
This really caught my mood. It makes me think of all the time I spent ‘waiting’ for her, over 1 1/2 years of my life that I wasted because I was ‘with’ her and was fooled into thinking we’d make it work together. How I spent all that time waiting for her, thinking she loved me, yet it was inevitably going to fail because of the way she thinks.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

The first line here reminds me of how for ages there were danger signs that I chose to ignore until it finally crashed down around me. The second line makes me think of how I am trying to move on, how I hope that my feelings for her will become just memories. The other lines, particularly the “it doesn’t even matter” bit, again makes me think of how it was probably inevitable that it would fail, not because of any actions of mine, but how she thinks ruining it.
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
This I found particularly significant because of the way she has treated me since she came to the UK, only seeing me when she wants, only talking to me when she feels like it, acting like I was hers even though she wasn’t mine. The last two lines were significant because of a previous argument before she came to the UK that, looking back, gave a strong indication towards what she would later think about ‘us’ working as a couple Southampton-to-London.
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
This relates more to my hopes, how I hope to successfully move on from J-O, leave my feelings for her behind, leave me with memories, being able to remember the good times and not feel bitter about the bad times.
Not that you knew me back then
This is an important line because it reflects my feelings that, although we talked so much when we were ‘together’ online, she doesn’t seem to have actually payed much attention; during one argument just after she started uni she said “I don’t know you”.
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Lastly, this part really strikes me. It makes me think of how I trusted her when she said that she loved me; how I trusted her when I was assured we would be together, and for a long time; how despite the distance Southampton-to-London we could make it work together. How this all came crashing down, seemingly inevitably because of her feelings on this that she made known once she was here; how it doesn’t matter what I feel, what I want, she only thinks about what she wants.
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