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The Solution That Isn’t A Solution (J-O)

Well, on the subject of my last post, there has been a conclusion of sorts. A very messy, uncertain conclusion.

I decided to say to J-O that unless I could sleep in her bed, I wouldn’t go. She didn’t quite concede on that point. What she said was that if bringing a sleeping bag was the problem then I didn’t have to bring one, and that they could push the beds together and we (that is, J-O, me, her roommate, and her roommate’s cousin, of whom I don’t know if it’s male or female, although I’m guessing female) could all sleep on there. She also suggested I could use the next room as the person who usually lives there gave J-O the keys for in case her mum wanted to sleep there. I said I wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping in another person’s bed, especially since that bed belongs to a man. (The thought of sleeping in another man’s bed is not good, you have no idea what kind of things they’ve got up to in there. If it was a woman’s that would be okay, because, well, it’s hard to explain, but you know what we guys are like). She said ok but I suspect she may yet suggest it again.

In amongst talking about all this, we ended up in another discussion about ‘us’. She basically said that she wants us just to be friends and when I said that all I want is for us to be able to do whatever we want when we meet, as we have done, she said that “just because it” (kissing and suchlike) “has happened before, doesn’t mean it will happen again”. I basically accepted that in a way. I told her that all I asked of her was to remember how I feel about her. She asked if that meant she had to do anything, and I said no, because that’s not fair on her. The reason I accepted this was because I figure that so far, every time we have met we have ended up, eventually, bring more than friendly. I know that there is a strong possibility that this won’t happen every time, but I am gambling that because tonight will be a night of drunken festivities, there is an increased likelihood that we will end up more than friendly; after all, the one time she texted me that she missed me was when she was drunk with her mum. I can only hope the theory is true, that if she is drinking she is more likely to reveal how she really thinks of me, remember how much she likes me, as more than a friend.

I feel terrible for not going to my friend’s New Year party and telling her at such short notice though. I know it’s not good, not something a good friend would do, but I just can’t resist the opportunity to see J-O. It’s an awful excuse, but I can’t help it. Especially since, as I’ve said, there is an opportunity that, again, in the heat of the moment, J-O will throw caution to the wind and, shall we say, ‘enjoy my company’.

The Dilemma That Isn’t A Dilemma – Help Me Out Here!

I’m in a real dilemma here. Wait, no I’m not. This is a absurd dilemma. It shouldn’t even be an issue. But you know me, making big deals out of everything as usual. So, here’s the thing:

J-O now says her roommate will be back tomorrow for new years, but that I could stay. BUT, I would have to bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor. Apparently her roommate’s cousin will also be staying the night in her room, along with her roommate, which would mean it would be 4 people; two on their beds, two on sleeping bags on the floor.

Firstly, I thought, I don’t think there’s room for 2 people to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor and secondly, I can’t be bothered to go all the way to London lugging around a sleeping bag.

She said that I can think about it and she will call me back later. So, I thought I’d ask you guys what you think. I need repies by midnight GMT please!

On the one hand, I don’t want to lug a sleeping bag up to London, nor do I want to sleep in it on the floor; I’d want to sleep in her bed.

On the other hand, it’s an opportunity to see her, and such opportunities don’t come along very often.

So here’s the dilemma: do I go to my friend’s house, where I can drink a lot, have fun with my friends and sleep there in a sleeping bag, or do I go to London, lug a sleeping bag there, drink not too much, party with her friends who I don’t know, & not be able to kiss her & stuff?

I know it sounds like a non-decision: any sensible person would go to their friends and have maximum fun.

But I’m not a sensible person and although I won’t be able to be affectionate towards her, at least I’ll be spending time with her.

A Late-Night Call (J-O Update) [Edited]

I was getting ready to go to bed last night when I got a call from J-O. She said she had not done any work that day, and had spent a few hours in the pub with a friend. So much for her worrying about not working if I was there! Earlier in the day we’d talked again about me coming to see her. I said that I’d wait until 4pm to call work to tell them I was coming in as usual tomorrow (now today). I didn’t hear anything from her so I’d called as I said as so will be going to work today. During the call she said that her roommate had contacted her to say she wouldn’t even be back for New Year, as J-O thought, never mind the next day (today). I have no idea when this was, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was before 4pm! So J-O said she would probably spent New Year alone. After about 1 minute of dancing around it, I said that I would be willing to go up and spent New Year with her. She said she would think about it. I know she’s going to say no, so I’m not really thinking about it. She then told me that she had bought a coach ticket to come to Southampton on the 21st January. She said that the coach leaves London at 6-something a.m. [actually I must have heard wrong, the first coach leaves at 10 and arrives at 12:05], and doesn’t get here until past mid-day. She said she coach she’s getting back leaves around 7pm. I said that wasn’t very long to stay, and suggested she could stay at my house. She said that she didn’t like the idea, because ‘it would not be good if the first time I saw your parents I am staying overnight, do you?’. I said, unconvincingly, “no, I suppose you’re right”. We left it at that. I’ll discuss this development in another post later.

Then I asked if she wanted to have a little Skype video call and she said it would be nice. It wasn’t the best video call though; she spent most of the time tidying her room while kind of talking to me at the same time. She did sit down for a few minutes and chatted. But then she decided she would go have a shower and get ready for bed, and left me sitting there like a lemon (she decided to keep the call going while she did this) for about 20 mins in total. Then I decided to get my own back a bit by showing her the present I got her. She asked what it was, as I knew she would, and told her that I wouldn’t tell her, but that if she’d met up like I had suggested, she would already know what it is. She said “thanks for reminding me.” Eventually we went to bed, with her saying she will text me when she gets up in the morning.

She did indeed text me this morning. But she also called me about an hour ago to ask for some advice on her essay, which I gave. She then said about this American summer work thing, if I would be interested in it, because she is thinking of going. I’d liked to think she was implying we could go together, but I doubted it. So I said, entirely truthfully, that I wasn’t willing to go on my own. She then said that I could go with her. I basically said I still wasn’t sure, and she said she’d send me the link (which she has; it’s here). The conversation then ended, with her saying she’d call me after work, and, as I said goodbye, I said “miss you”. Strangely, she responded to that with “oh, please, you don’t miss me“. I replied sarcastically (although I’m not sure she picked up on the sarcasm) “okay, I don’t miss you, if you say so”. I seriously don’t understand what her fucking problem is sometimes. So screwed up…

What Is It About Me?

I have literally no idea why J-O is the only girl that has ever liked me. Especially when I look at some of the guys some girls are with (not necessarily people that I know, just in general). I’m not exactly an oil painting but I don’t think I’m particularly ugly either. I am very friendly. Okay, I’m shy, I may not make friends easily, but once you get to know me I open up. I suppose I just haven’t met enough girls, been friends with enough girls, to the possibility of having a girlfriend to achieve a statistically strong probability. If you see what I mean. I’m pretty sure I can count the number of proper female friends on two hands, possibly even one. Sure, I kind-of know more girls than that, but they’re not exactly friends of mine either. I suppose I need to get out there really. Somehow…

A Little J-O Update [Updated 22:52]

Today I spent most of the day out with my family, so I didn’t see the comment posted on my last post suggesting I cut all contact with J-O. By the morning I wasn’t angry at her. I was disappointed in a way but really pretty much just resigned to the fact she did this to me once more. After so many of these incidents I’m not too bothered by them. She called me at 5:20pm to ask me some advice on her essay. I was in the car with my family at the time but I decided to talk to her. My dad joked that I was now her private tutor.

A few minutes after I called her, I got a text message from her saying “Are you going to be in Southampton on the 20th of January, because I will come during the day?”. I replied “yeah I will be here. Will we not be able to meet until then?”. She replied “we must be, just asking. hugs”, which I understood to be an autocorrect mistake, as in it should have said, “we might be, just asking. hugs”. I replied “Ok I hope we see each other before then but it would be nice to show you Southampton anyway. Talk soon, hugs.” She replied “Okay I also want to see, what’s worrying me is my uni work, Hugs will call you later”.

She did indeed call me later, when I was back home. It was about helping her with her essay again. At one point I said “it would be easier for you to help me if I was there”, at which point she went silent. After what seemed like minutes but what must have been only 10 seconds, she said that she doesn’t want to disappoint me but feels that she wouldn’t do any work if I was there. She said she was worried that if I stayed I would ‘expect something to happen which wouldn’t happen’ i.e. sex, and I reminded her that I’d already offered to sleep in the other bed even. When she asked me if I meant this, I said, “not exactly. What I mean is, I am not expecting anything to happen other than what we did when we slept together before, just hug and kiss. I know we wouldn’t do anything else, because you explained it before.” She asked me what I thought we ‘were’, and I said that I know we can’t be ‘together’, but we are “more than friends”. She asked me what I meant, and I simply said “well, I don’t think friends sleep together, hugging and kissing.” She again said that she didn’t think she could work when I was here. She said she would call me again later and I said: “ok, how about this. If you decide you want to meet up and spent a few days together you can say so, but I won’t mention it again. It’ll be up to you.” She said ok, we said goodbye and hung up.

The reason I said that is because I know she won’t want me to come, and I’d rather not go through the whole charade again. So now it’s 10pm and I’m watching Independence Day on E4, trying not to think of the impending call. I know I should just forget about it, about her, but I can’t. I’m really very sorry, all my readers who think I should give up, but I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will be for a long time. I know how stupid it is. I suppose it’s like smoking, really. I think ‘how can smokers smoke, knowing how bad it is for their health. They must know the risks. Yet they keep going’.  And so like the smoker I will keep doing this thing is bad for me. One day I may summon the willpower to give up; but I won’t think it’ll be soon.

UPDATE, 22:52: Just got another call from J-O, she only asked me about her work, nothing else. I’ll probably go to bed soon. I’ll have to call into work tomorrow to tell them that I will be working Friday after all. On the positive side, my friend is hosting a small gathering at her parent’s house for new year, which should be awesome.

I’m A Massive Idiot (J-O Update)

Basically J-O didn’t get a response from her roommate about tomorrow. She then began to ignore me after texting me “I don’t think I can do work while you are here”. I said that I promised her we could but I got no response. Finally she messaged me on facebook (I was offline on chat – it’s her classic way of her to communicate with me indirectly) that “haven’t heard anything of (my roommate) I need to study tho”. I texted her “so you don’t want to see me at all? What would you like me to do with your christmas present? put it in the post?” and got the reply “”nope dont, we will meet will see”. I was too pissed off to reply anything other than “ok have a good day tomorrow, goodnight”, to which she replied “thanks, good night, hugs”.

So, 5 days of almost constant texting when we were rebuilding a rapport and now it’s all gone to shit. I am seriously the most idiotic person alive, I don’t even fucking know why I even fucking bother when I get absolutely shit all out of it. I half tempted to throw her stupid present out of the fucking window. Doesn’t help that I’m not feeling too well today anyway. I bet she never liked my idea really, she just said it to shut me up. I don’t understand what the fuck her problem is. But its not her with the problem, is it? It’s me and my stupid, mad brain that’s twisted around so tight that it’s about to explode (I don’t even know why I wrote that, it makes no fucking sense in any way). I dunno, fuck it, I’ll keep myself busy. If she wants to see me fine, but I really can’t trust her any more. She always lets me down. Screw it.

I’m mad now but I bet by tomorrow I’ll be crawling back. You just fucking watch this space, you and I know I’m right.

Categories: Girls, Life, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts Tags: ,

My Ideal Christmas Break J-O Visit

As you know, if you’re a regular reader, it’s likely that I will be visiting J-O in London sometime between Christmas and New Year (her Christmas card I got today said “before New Year’s Eve). While I was at work today I decided what I’m going to say to her when we discuss me visiting her (which I’ll write below, then go on to say what the ideal visit would consist of).

I’ll start off by asking if she’d hear my idea first before she says what she would like. I know she doesn’t like not being in control but I’m hoping that on the spur of the moment she’ll concede on this point, giving me the advantage. I’ll say: “I thought I could come over on Wednesday and stay for three nights until Saturday (New Year’s Eve). Then, on New Year’s Eve, I can either go home in the morning” (I can’t stay because her roommate will be coming back for that night) “or I can pop back to Southampton, deposit my stuff and get changed, then go back for the evening” (this will be a good argument because I think she might not want her roommate to know I stayed, and also makes sense for what I’ll say next). “I know I cannot stay but since the last two trains back are at 2:35 and 4:05 I can stay until past midnight, and we can see in the new year together with your friends.”

I’ll also then say: “Now, I know you may have a few problems with my idea, but before you say what you think of it, I’d like to say a few things about any problems you may have. Firstly, I know it’s a long time to stay and you will need some time to work on your essays, but I have essays to do too, and so I thought that I can bring my laptop and some books and so when you want to work, we can work together and not distract each other. Secondly, I know that when we slept together I tried some things you weren’t comfortable with, but I promise it won’t happen again. I’m also perfectly happy with sleeping on your roommate’s bed if you want. Also, if you unexpectedly get a call from a friends asking if you want to go out for a few hours, and don’t want me to come, I’m fine with going off and doing my own thing. Lastly, you don’t have to worry about any food or anything for me, I will sort all that out myself.”

Now I know what you’re going to say about that, that it’s ridiculous and letting her walk all over me, but the way I see it is that most of those point will just reassure her that I will not interfere with her life too much while I am there; I don’t think she’ll take me up on any of those points. As for New Year’s Eve, I don’t mind going home because a friend might be holding a party that day anyway, so I can go to that.

Now, onto my ideal visit. Ideally, obviously, I’d like to be able to stay from Wednesday to Saturday (I’ve already got Friday off work just in case), and spend New Year with her and her friends, getting the 2:35 or 4:00 train back (because hopefully we might go out somewhere after watching the midnight fireworks, maybe), as I just said. As for what we’d actually do, we’ve already discussed going ice skating. I’d like to take her to Richmond Park (which I’d only heard of after that whole Fenton thing) to see the deer. I’d like for us to visit a restaurant at least one night. I’d like to make love with her one night but I think it’s unlikely (though I’ll bring condoms just in case; when we slept together she did say she still wanted to make love with me, even though we didn’t for various reasons) I’m not sure what else really. But it’s a good start, and if I don’t stay there that long, probably enough.

Hope I haven’t bored you with the very long post. I think this will probably be the last post until the start of the new year (unless I am successful with my plan, in which case I’ll post the news on here – probably by Monday evening I’ll know). If so, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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