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Archive for September, 2011

Crisis Averted

Me and J-O have been having some problems over the last week, as followers of me on Twitter will know. She ignored me from Thursday until Wednesday, when she talked to me, and then she didn’t reply to the text I sent her yesterday about meeting up at the weekend.

So I assumed (given all that’s happened), that she was ignoring me again. So I tried to call her several times this afternoon (as I had one of my days when I didn’t have to go to uni) and she didn’t respond. So I decided that enough was enough, that if she didn’t respond when I called after work, I’d say I’d had enough.

So I tried to call her but her phone was off. But I decided to check Skype before I sent the “it’s over” text. She was online, so I said hello. She didn’t respond for a few minutes, then suddenly she called me (an audio-only call). She said that she is going to visit her friend’s friend’s family (where she’d stayed before) because she said she would. My heart sank at this point.

But then she asked what time I was free during the week, and I said Wednesday. She said that she had Wednesday off too. So we decided to meet on Wednesday. Crisis averted. She then said she was going to have dinner, and as she was saying goodbye, she left a little  emoticon. That made me happy as it shows she still likes me as more than a friend.

I can’t wait for Wednesday.

This Morning

Okay, I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from Friday. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache at about 6:30 and started getting a bit upset, about the funeral and about J-O. About 7:30 I couldn’t take any more and I texted J-O that “I wish you weren’t ignoring me, I feel so lonely right now” (which you readers can probably tell from my latest post). If she continues ignoring me now I think I’ve had enough with the whole thing.

Yes you could argue that she’s trying to settle in to her new uni life. But when we last talked on Thursday she said she was getting to know her flatmates, and from what I can tell from facebook that’s only improved. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that it seems like she’s only interested in me when she’s got a problem, she’s lonely, that she doesn’t seem to care about me at all, other than to be there when she needs comforting – the rest of the time she couldn’t care less about me.

I don’t know, maybe I’m still stressed out from recent events. But still, I can’t stand being ignored. It would be fine if she said she didn’t want to talk, because she didn’t feel like it or something, I would be understanding about that. It’s the not talking to me and not explaining why that I can’t stand. Funnily enough I felt better the moment I texted her, even though I knew I wouldn’t get a reply. At least I’m reminding her I exist, however rude that reminder may be.

My Minor Breakdown on Twitter Last Night

Here’s my tweets from yesterday, as promised, in chronological order:

Just got back from the funeral and the reception thing (I dunno what you’d call it) afterwards, I am exhausted.

I think if it turns out I’m not going to London tomorrow I will be grateful in that respect at least.

Bored here, bored there, bored everywhere. Bored, boring, boring, bored.

When I was writing my letter to J-O which I hoped to give her this weekend, a thought occurred to me.

She won’t need me soon, she’ll have plenty of friends, nice guy interested in her, the best thing to do would be to let her go.

Hate myself, hate my life.

Maybe I should try internet dating. I mean proper internet dating. Oh wait, maybe that’s where I went wrong in the first place.

Or maybe I should just give up on the whole dream of, you know, having a nice girlfriend.

I hate being an depressive, over-dramatic git.

It would be good to focus on uni work this year anyway, I think J-O rather distracted me this last year and a half.

But seriously, who does that? Calls you, talks for a few minutes, says they have to go but will call you back, then ignores you?

She came on Skype about 30 mins ago and I finally sent her a message. I hate myself but I couldn’t help it.

Simply said “hi, do you want to talk? if not, have a nice weekend :)”

She just went offline. I’ll take that as confirmation, then.

My life is seriously fucked up.

Who knows, actually, fuck it, how about I might find somebody who is actually worthy of being my girlfriend cos I’m actually a great guy.

Okay, I’m not a ‘great’ guy. But girls can do a damn sight worse than me, I know that.

Oh great, I’ve just realised I’ve basically wasted a Vodafone Freedom Freebee pack. I thought I’d easily use it up talking to J-O.

£10 down the fucking drain, since you lose it if you don’t use it in a month.

That bloody letter I wrote too, and the picture I ordered from Snapfish, I have half a mind to throw it on a fire.

Maybe I need to go see a psychiatrist.

Maybe it’s just been a stressful day, what with the funeral and all that.

Maybe I need a cup of tea. I’ll go make myself one actually…

Thats the second bloody time I’ve got something for J-O and she’s gone and ignored me right before I was supposed to give it to her.

Women are crazy.

I feel like just expiring right here.

I’m super-stressed and off to bed. Goodnight!

Loneliness

I think my last year at uni will be defined, much like most of my first year, by loneliness. I’ve probably lost J-O, and if I haven’t, then I think I have had enough of her anyway. I won’t be making any friends this year, probably. I signed up for the politics and debating society, but now I’m not sure if I will even go. My existing female friends, I think I’ve also had enough of, as they only serve to remind me of my loneliness and my behavior towards them when I’m drunk, of getting quite friendly but only insofar as hugging, is annoying them and embarrassing me. I don’t know what to do about my male friends, maybe I’ll keep them, but I suspect they will become less relevant anyway, as mostly guys aren’t bothered about keeping in contact.

That’s my current thoughts on the subject of loneliness anyway. If I follow through these ideas is another matter entirely. Since it’s mostly a product of my current mood, it may fade as I recover from what has been going on these last few months; two funerals and my ongoing J-O problems (which aren’t ongoing any more, by the looks of things). Who knows. All I know is, I’m in a bad place right now and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be anything that could lift my spirits.

“Your life isn’t just her”

Yesterday I was super stressed-out because of my auntie’s funeral yesterday. Seriously, I’ve never felt so stressed out in all my life. Because of that, the latest situation to do with J-O suddenly went from being slightly concerning to I-think-I’m-going-to-explode. You can probably tell as much from looking at the 25 or so tweets I posted last night (I’ll post them in full on my next post).

Because of this, one of my twitter and blog followers said “breathe. Your life isn’t just her, remember that.” Unfortunately, it’s not true at all. Before I met J-O, my life was defined by lack of a girl in my life – just look at any of my posts before February 2010 and that is very obvious.

So obviously, as you can see from all posts from then, my life was then defined by the fact that I’d finally found a girl that seemed to actually like me, and that actually said yes, she did want to go out with me once I asked. From then on, she was, and still is, for now, my life.

A Strange but Funny Girl

I was at my auntie’s funeral yesterday. While I was at the buffet thing afterwards I saw two friends of my auntie’s (when I say two friends, I mean they are a couple and they were both friends with her, as a couple. Anyway you get what I mean) and their (approx.) 15 year-old daughter. At first it didn’t quite register with me who the girl was.

Then, towards the end of the afternoon, I realised that I’d seen her before. I’d seen her twice before, about 6 or 7 years ago, at my auntie’s house. It’s a strange story. The first time, me and my siblings played games with her to keep her amused, and I got on particularly well with her. Afterwards, my siblings joked that she was my girlfriend. Which, oddly enough, (and not how some might think this sounds) leads me onto the second meeting.

At the second meeting, at Christmas I think it was, we again had to keep her amused because she was a very energetic girl, as they often are at that age. My siblings quickly got bored though, and I was left to play games with her. I kept this up for a long while but I got very tired and eventually called it a day, and went back to her parents to ‘return’ her. As she went up to her parents, her parents asked if she’d had fun, she said yes and then, without any warning, suddenly said “I want to see him naked”.

I could not believe what I was hearing, an 7/8 year old saying that! It was very surreal, and we simply laughed it off. But it really, I dunno, shocked me. I didn’t think that is the type of thing girls of that age would think about in any way. I dunno, maybe she heard it on TV or something and just repeated it. Nevertheless, it was one of the strangest things that’s ever happened to me.

Categories: Life, Personal, Thoughts

Reflecting on Waiting

J-O phoned me 3 hours ago and we chatted about a minute before she said she’d have to go and she’ll call me back.
She still hasn’t phoned back, and I’m annoyed with myself because I can’t stop checking my phone and wondering why she hasn’t called. I’m doubly annoyed with myself because I should, instead of being anxious, be glad that it must presumably mean she’s having a good time with her new friends at uni.
I’m really trying to resist phoning her back because I don’t want to interrupt her doing whatever she’s doing. I know how annoying it is to be around somebody when they get a call from their boyfriend/girlfriend – I don’t want her to be negatively effected because of me. I’d rather she be happy with all of them than unhappy with me, obviously. Okay that didn’t come out quite how I meant it, because that’s just obvious, but I’m sure you know what I mean.
I think that if she doesn’t call back before I go to bed (which will be soon because I’m pretty tired) I’ll just send her a text saying have a nice day tomorrow. Yes, that sounds like a plan.
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