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Archive for August, 2011

My Current Fear

It seems that for now
We’re back in business
But that not long it will last
That’s what I fear

Maybe she’ll find someone
On holiday, or
Back home, or
At university there

She’ll find someone
That can be close
That can shelter her
Be with her always

I suppose I must say
I would understand why
But that doesn’t mean
It wouldn’t make me cry

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Saturday & Aftermath

I’m sorry that I haven’t made the public version of my “Yesterday” post up until now, but here it is.

(For those non-regular readers, this is the condensed version of the story of the second time I’ve met up with my met-on-the-internet, long-distance girlfriend. We’ve been having some problems, see my J-O tagged posts for the back story.)

Basically, it got off to a shaky start on the day. It was awkward. But she slowly warmed up to me as the first few hours went by; first she held my arm, then we held hands, then I started hugging her, soon she started hugging me back.

At that point we talked, and she re-iterated that she didn’t need a long-distance relationship now, wasn’t sure about the future, but seemed to indicate that if I moved to London, she would consider us getting together.

However, soon after that we started getting more friendly, kissing and hugging a lot and eventually making out, which we did for most of the rest of the day. She even said she’d like to make love with me. As we said goodbye she said that we’d meet up when she comes back from Bulgaria to come to uni (she’s going back home for a month).

The next few days though, something surprising happened. She shared the pictures that we took that day with me, and said how great we looked “close to each other”. She even said she’d put one of them with us together as her desktop background. She said that she looked “really happy” on them, and she felt that way too. She thanked me for the best time she’s had in London so far. Since then she’s also acted very ‘friendly’ on Facebook, saying she misses me and she puts hearts at the end of messages.

I’ve concluded that we’ll probably end up being in a kind of relationship, but one where it’s basically when we meet up, we are together, but if not then we are more like friends. This could all change though, so we’ll have to wait and see really.

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Tomorrow

Well, it turns out I’m seeing J-O tomorrow. I wanted to make it Sunday but she says she’s meeting some friends from Bulgaria, so again she got her way. I am going up there in the morning and staying until about 6 or 7, so I can get back to Southampton for a gig that I’m going to.

I have absolutely no idea what we’re going to do there for 7 or so hours. I predict it’ll be awkward. I don’t really see the point. I’m a bit concerned that she may take advantage of me as such, that she might act a bit like we’re together, she might kiss me or something, because she’s a bit confused and thinks I won’t mind. I’m not sure if I should refuse on principle, saying “you can’t break up with me then act like this”, or leave it until the end and ask “what was that all about”, or just go along with it because it might make her reconsider. Then again, maybe I’m just having a bit of wishful thinking; probably nothing of the sort will happen.

Oh well, I’ll just have to see how it goes on the day I suppose.

Waste

I’ve just been reading an article about teenage popstars and I think, ‘man, I’ve really wasted my life so far’. I think I am going to have to change. For a start, I want to either start writing a novel, or publishing some of my poetry. There is a great site, Lulu.com, where you can self-publish, and I’ll use that to do so.
Then I want to find some sort of social activity to take up, I have no idea what though, that can get me out of the house and meeting new people, perhaps even of the female variety. I just hope I can pluck up the courage to see this idea through. Wish me luck!
I think I should also do something to get fitter – I hate looking at all the other guys my age at the pool with euther flat stomachs or even muscles too, compared to my round stomach that folds when sitting (so I keep my top on or cover my stomach with a towel). Although, knowing myself as I do, I doubt I will be bothered to do anything about it once I get back. Especially now there is no girlfriend or one on the horizon.

It’s Finally Over (Again)

Me and J-O just finished our ‘talk’ (which she forgot about at first), and she had decided that our relationship cannot work. The conversation ended strangely, with me giving  a big ‘final farewell’ type speech almost, during which I said I wanted to ask for the necklace I gave her back, but wouldn’t, and she got offended that I would even think it. I just said that it reflected only the symbolism of the necklace (it’s with two hearts that say “follow your heart” on it). I’ll leave you with it and the end of the conversation:

me: I want to ask for the necklace back, but I won’t, you can keep it
her: :O
me: there is a UK flag keyring beside my bed, and some chocolates, waiting for you
me: I will keep them here for you for a while
her: very bad thing, remember never ask back for the things you already have given to your friends, next girlfriends and etc
its very rude
i can imediately stop wearing it
its childish
me: that is why I did not ask, though I wanted to
her: good night!
me: goodnight my love
her: I cant believe it
really
me: I did not ask for it back
I said I wanted to
her: since you wanted you can be sure i am not wearing it anymore
me: it is the truth, harsh as it may be
her: just from now on
me: it is up to you
all I know is that it symobolised my love for you
and if you take it off then, for sure that reflects the truth
her: its the 1st time
a guy said to me that he might want the things he gave me back
eventho i have had some really expensive things
but maybe the price doesnt matter at all just i am very surprices
good night bcos i dont want it to get any worse
me: I do not think it because of the price
just what it means to me
goodnight my angel

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to say. But I don’t care: it’s the truth. She does not deserve it for what she has done. The necklace was my love, that I gave to her, and she threw it back in my face. She doesn’t deserve my love. She doesn’t deserve that necklace.

The Poet

Sitting in his room
Furiously scribbling
By lamplight
In the depth of night

Sitting in his room
Angrily brooding
By lamplight
In the harsh light of day

Sitting in his room
Wondering wearily
Where he was going wrong
In his pursuit of happiness

Sitting in his room
Wondering where
All the women were
Why they aren’t at his feet

Sitting in his room
Sadly, not realising
All he has to do
Is walk out the door

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