Reflecting on J-O

It’s strange, but I haven’t really felt that upset about the end of my relationship with J-O. Although, yes, we’d not been getting on well for the past month or so, we’d had a year and a half of a great (albeit online) relationship. I’d have thought I’d at least feel a bit upset. But I haven’t. In face, I’ve cried at LOTR extended editions (that I just bought on Blu-ray and am seeing for the first time) this week but not about this.

This seems strange to me. I dunno, maybe it’s because we haven’t been getting on so well, that’s why I’m not upset. Perhaps I’ve finally realised that what I’ve been missing out on in life, love, a girlfriend, isn’t great like I’d imagined. Or perhaps I’m still partly in denial; we only met once so it’s not like I’m missing her in person so much, my mind can just believe that she’s just not talking for a while and will come back. It’s strange to not be upset.

I think something good has come out of this though: I don’t have to worry about relationships so much any more. I now know what I’m missing out on: a load of shit. It is a notion that feels very liberating. I must say though that I am still anxious about one thing: my ‘virginity’. Now that there’s not much prospect of doing it with anyone I like in the near future, I want to cast aside the notion that my first time should mean something, and just get it out the way so, just like this and my newfound ambivalence about getting a girlfriend, I can stop worrying about it.

It’s stupid, I know, but I’ve had enough. Though it hardly matters because nobody’s going to want to do it with me in the near future anyway.

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