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Archive for July, 2011

Off On Holiday

This week has been one of the best weeks of any summer – I’ve met up with my friends practically every day, either relaxing in the local park, having drinks in the local pub or having drinks at my house (one night only, that was though). It’s the simple things that are the most enjoyable, I find.

Anyway, on to the main subject of this post: my holiday.

At 2am UK time tomorrow, I will be getting up to go on holiday to the (very) south of France. The place we’re staying is on the Med, don’t you know! We’re staying at a campsite, not in a tent but in one of those big, fancy caravans (this kind of thing). We have to get up so early because we’re going by car. We’ve got a journey of around 15 hours, via Dover-Calais. That’s going to be fun. Not.

But once that’s over we have the sun-kissed beaches (and swimming pools) and great weather (almost always) of southern France. I’ll be glad to get away from thinking about the whole J-O situation. Having said that, being in sunny southern France means I’ll be surrounded by hot girls in bikinis, which is a different form of torture – sometimes at least. As long as I don’t think about how I have no chance of getting a girl like that, I can sit back and enjoy just watching them.

Yes, it sounds a bit pervy but it’s what all guys do on holiday, lets face it. Why do you think we insist on wearing sunglasses? It’s not to protect ourselves from the glare of the sun, but to be able to look at whoever we want without them knowing where we’re looking.

I’ve got lots of books from the library to keep me occupied during long sessions by the pool, at the beach or in the car when going places, as well as my GameBoy Advance SP (it’s nice and simple gaming; I usually play Tetris) and my laptop, should I get bored of hanging around by the pool with my family (which I often do eventually), with a few DVDs and games to play on it.

Anyway, I’ll be glad to be getting away from having to worry about J-O, to get a tan (although I’m not really bothered about such things), to be able to relax and have a pleasant time.

Random Goodnight

Yep, it’s back to the ol’ J-O subject. I bet you’re all jumping for joy.

Anyway, it’s probably nothing, but I’m paranoid and think too much, so here goes anyway. Since we broke up I’ve been following my ‘let her talk first’ rule. Well, last night (that is, Monday, in case you’re confused by your relative time zone) she came online, late (early hours of the morning I think; surprised me since she’s working) and I followed that rule. 30 mins later and she still hadn’t talked to me, then all of a sudden she says “goodnight”. I quickly challenge her on why she just said goodnight, since we hadn’t talked. She just said “just wishing you goodnight”. We exchanged a few pleasantries and she went offline.

So, as I expect you’re expecting me to ask, what does this mean? Does it mean anything at all? Am I being paranoid? The answer is clearly yes, but does that make my question less valid? Perhaps not. But I digress. Does it mean she’s ready to reconnect, was it a polite way of sending the message that she wants to talk to me again? Was it a polite way of saying she wants me to talk to her again?

I really wish I knew the answer. If there is one…

A Strange Fear

I have a strange fear. That is to say, I think it’s strange. It certainly seems like a strange fear to me. It’s not some obscure phobia or anything, if that’s what you’re thinking. Having said that I’m sure there might be a -phobia name for it, there does seem to be for most things (see this). But I digress.

This fear often comes up when I think about running somewhere in the house, especially if it involves running through the kitchen. I think about running inside, then I suddenly get this image in my head of me running, falling, hitting my face on something and that impact either knocking out my teeth or making them point at funny angles. Generally, teeth and dentists I don’t like, so it probably has something to do with that.

Random, I know.

It’s nice to talk about something different on my blog for once, I imagine it can get very boring for regular readers (if there are any) to hear about my constant moaning about relationships and such things, whether in ordinary posts or in my poetry. This post is for all you bored readers out there 🙂

I Knew You

I knew you
You were as happy as can be
When you were with me
Even though you were
200 miles from me

We waited long
But our resolve was true
We stayed together, through
Thick and thin
For so long

We had some fights
But we emerged stronger
It wouldn’t be much longer
Until we were together
We couldn’t wait

Finally we met
Everything seemed great
It seemed worth the wait
You were radiant
I was content

But following that day
All was not well
I fell into hell
You had changed
Not for the better

I knew you
I loved you
I cherished you
I did everything for you
But you changed

Now I remember only the old you
Now I love only the old you
I refuse to let go of the old you
Just as I promised
All that time ago

To hug you, and never let you go
To kiss you, and never want to stop
To do these things all day, and all night
To kiss you everywhere, and make love you
All these promises, you once held dear
Still reside in me, don’t fear

I will keep our spirit alive
For both of us

There Is Still Hope

I talked to J-O today about “us”. I think I may have got through to her a little bit. It’s looking very slightly more positive…

I basically used the “give us a chance” argument. I told her that I wasn’t telling her to do it for me, but for all the time we spent ‘together’ over Skype, all the things we’d imagined we’d do together. She said she wasn’t sure about it, she wasn’t sure about us, but she ‘got what I was saying’. I said that from now on it was her decision, I wouldn’t bother her about it, but that I was ready to come and see her, to talk about it, whenever she wants. She said “it’s good that you said it. I am grateful”. I think she appreciated what I said, that she would think about it.

It sounds a little more positive. She also had a normal conversation with me, albeit a quite short one. There’s hope yet.

Welcome to Cry City

It finally hit me this morning. It was because I talked to her on Skype for the first time since we split up. I decided to let her to all the talking, but after saying “Hi, how are you?” “Fine” to each other, she didn’t saying anything until she said “I am going to bed, goodnight” 30 mins later. I finally realised I missed her, but it wasn’t until this morning it fully sunk in.

You see, when I got up I began to think that I should again try and meet up with her and actually talk about how she feels about me, us, and so I began to think of the arguments I would use to try and persuade her to give us a second chance. One of them involved asking something along the lines of “what happened to the old J-O I used to know, the one that used to say all the things she’d like to do with me?” and “I know you had a nice time when we met, because you were hugging me, kissing me, and when I said how I wanted to go somewhere more private, how I wanted to make love with you, you said you did too”.

So, of course, that got me thinking about how much I enjoyed the day we finally met, how well it seemed to go. I started to think how we hugged each other, how we kissed each other, how happy we seemed together. I started to wonder how something that seemed so perfect could be thrown anyway for reasons I can’t fathom. I started to cry. Not too much though, because I am not alone at home today. But I still feel like crying now, though I can hold it in. I miss her. I still love her. I want to be with her. I want her to want to be with me. I don’t even know what she thinks of me, and I wished I did.

I am so alone…

Positives vs Negatives

This post is all about the positives and negatives of the ending of me and J-O’s relationship. Negatives first I think – it fits my mood.

Negatives

  • I’ve lost the only girl that’s ever liked me
  • There are no girls on the horizon to look forward to
  • I was rather hoping to lose my virginity before an embarrassing age i.e. anything not in my teens or very early 20s
  • I wasted about £10 on two small presents I bought for her when I thought we were going to make up a few weeks ago
  • I wasted £15 on a heart necklace which says “follow your heart”. I have half a mind to ask for it back
  • I have no idea what to do with the momentous I’ve kept
  • More cynical about love, relationships and other people in general

Positives

  • Proof it’s possible for girls to like me
  • Had my first kiss
  • Made out for the first time
  • Might not be so obsessed with getting a girlfriend, now I know how awful it can be
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