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Archive for June, 2011

Another Day, Another Confusing Mess

(These were mostly tweets originally)

A few thoughts about my conversation with J-O tonight.

We started talking at 7pm, and at 7:30 she says “brb”. Three hours later, she comes back and says “I’m going to sleep now”. So infuriating! I said to her that as a rule, “brb” should be used if you’re going to be less than 30 mins, but she didn’t respond.

Another thing: There’s no affection from her in our Skype conversations these days, it’s really strange. I wish I knew what was going through her head. I think I’m going to have to ask her how she feels next time we meet face-to-face.

Then again, it could just be that she’s essentially taken us finally meeting as a reset button; I have to win her heart all over again. Great. I think that last thought was probably the correct one, unfortunately. Kinda makes a certain amount of sense. Still annoying though. 1 year and 6 months down the drain… at least I still have the memories.

Hopefully, if it all goes well and I can win her back, this whole episode will be just a blip in an otherwise happy relationship. If she’ll let me win her back…

P.S: It’s been 3 weeks exactly since I met up with her. I haven’t been able to see her since.

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Purgatory

This started as a poem but I more envisaged it as a song, perhaps in a The Killers kind of style.


Why do you leave me
In this purgatory
Even hell
Would be better than this

You don’t care any more
You rub salt in my sore
Why don’t you say
What you really think

Why do you leave me
Wondering what you think
Why do you leave me
Standing on the brink

‘Cos I don’t know what you think
‘Cos you don’t leave me any clues
You just sit silently there
Waiting for me to work it out

But I’m no mind reader
I don’t know how you feel
So I’ll just act normal
Until you tell me what you want

‘Cos I won’t go away
‘Cos I won’t guess your thoughts
‘Cos I won’t let you go
You’ll have to push me away

I won’t go without a fight
‘Cos you’re my shining light
You’ll have to end it yourself
I’ll not do your dirty work

So what are you waiting for
Do it
Do it now

Awesome Next Few Days

The next few days are going to be great. I’m going over to a friend’s house tonight, a few of us are going to have a few beers and sleep over, then we’re getting up and going to London to the Hard Rock Calling festival in Hyde Park. J-O has moved on from the second family but is not yet with a third, so she may meet me at the station and have lunch with us (unfortunately she doesn’t have the money to go to it with us, even though I offered to pay half the money), which would be great considering I didn’t see her on her day off yesterday.

We’re coming back from London that night, and then on Saturday I’m having my 20th birthday party at a local pub, which is always good fun. Given recent events though, I don’t think I’ll be doing much drinking. But we’ll see. Have a good weekend readers, I know I will 🙂

Reflecting

Reflecting on Oxymoronic

Originally tweets, these were copy and pasted here as my initial spontaneous thoughts and reactions to that event.

Seriously, sometimes J-O just makes me want to tear all my hair out and run around the room screaming. Women don’t make any sense.

Next Wednesday, it’ll have been exactly 1 month since J-O has been in the UK. I have only met her ONCE. ONCE?! This makes no sense…

Damn, should have told her about the presents I’d got her to try and persuade her to let me come and see her tomorrow. Okay, so it’s only a keyring (I’d sent her the same one before but it was lost in the post) and chocolates, but it’s still something.

I dunno. Either I’m not the fantastic potential boyfriend I think I am, or she’s absurdly impossible to please.

If J-O slips through my fingers, there’s nobody waiting in the wings. Not soon, not ever.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t break up with her because I’m in love with her, but I really cannot stand to talk to her these days. Everything that’s happened since she arrived in the UK has been bad, except for the first day we met, which wasn’t apparently that great for her after all. Are all relationships this hard?

I think I’ve come upon the solution. We have a break from our online relationship. We won’t talk until we’re going to arrange our next meet. That should stop me thinking about breaking up with her. And hopefully stop her feeling the same thing.

Oxymoronic

I was supposed to be going to visit J-O tomorrow. Sadly not. She said she had things to do, although as far as I could gather the only thing was having an interview with a new family (this time from the agency, not the internet site, I think). I said I didn’t mind being there when she was free, and doing something else while she was in the interview. I said I would do whatever she wants, go when she needs me to go and come back when she is finished. I told her it didn’t matter to me, not one bit.

She wasn’t having any of it though. She said she’ll be busy doing the interview for just a few hours during the whole day and for some reason this means that I can’t come and see her at all.

It doesn’t make any sense. Just yesterday (or was it the day before?) she was telling me that I didn’t seem devoted enough to her, complaining that I didn’t meet her when she arrived because it was impossible anyway but even if it was, most of the day she would have spent at the agency anyway, where I wouldn’t be able to go. But now she says I can’t wait for her, do whatever she wants, selflessly,  just as she strongly implies she wants me to.

Women. I don’t know. Their brains are wired in some strange ways…

Current Situation Part II

Today me and J-O had a talk, I’m not really sure how it went. I was crying through most of it. I am typing this out quite quickly because I don’t want to dwell on it too much just at this moment.

We both aired our views on our relationship. She partly conceded (only as a throwaway comment) that she may have expected too much of me. She got upset at one point, again on the subject on not being able to meet her when she first arrived in the UK and not calling her for the first few days (though I only did that because she got upset with me before and I wanted to give her breathing room. When I said this to her she said that for the future, I should no that that was the exact wrong thing to do, I should have called and tried to patch it up). She said it made it look like I didn’t care about her. She hasn’t dumped me but she doesn’t know how she really feels. She complained about the problems with us finding each other on the day we finally did meet.

She did say though that she wasn’t just concentrating on the negatives, she admitted that she did mostly have a good time on the day we met. That was the major positive for me. That and she says we might be able to meet on Wednesday (and I really do hope so given the next paragraph).

The worst thing though was that she said she was really tired of the current family she is with (the agency still hasn’t found her another family, she’s still with the second family) and she is seriously thinking of going back to Bulgaria. She tried to imply that I tried to persuade her to stay when she wasn’t happy, even though I did nothing of the sort. Yes, I tried to say that maybe she should stick with the second family because it was better than the first and might be better than the third, but I didn’t say that she should stay in the UK at all costs, even if she’s unhappy.

I have no idea what’s going to happen.

The Current Situation

Over the past few days I’ve been getting the distinct impression that she hasn’t like me as much since we met in person. The other day when I began to talk to her about a specific nice moment in that day, she started criticising the way I acted. First it was just one, but I asked if she had any more, so she could get them off her chest. In the end she said about 3 or 4 things. It was then I really started to worry. It seemed to be all unraveling after just one meeting.

I asked if she was disappointed in me, she said “kinda”. Oddly, when I said I wanted to make it up to her, she said “I dunno”. I’m not sure what it means. Maybe it means she’s not sure if I can make it up to her. Now that’s really depressing. I asked her if she didn’t want to be with me any more, she said “I dunno”.

Perhaps I’m expecting too much too soon. There was bound to be a disconnect between how we behaved when we were ‘together’ online and when we finally met. I suppose she’s probably thinking that we are basically starting all over again. I must step up my game. I must admit that I didn’t make 100% effort when I met her for the first time. I expected the groundwork to have all been well established because of our online relationship. I realise now that I must treat it as if we’ve only just met. I must put 110% effort into every time we meet. Hopefully, if I manage that, then I can win her over.

Wish me luck.

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