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Archive for February, 2011

She Deserves

I don’t deserve her. She needs someone better. She needs someone interesting, exciting, outgoing, easy-going. She needs someone who can be at her side any time, should she desire it. She needs someone that knows their way around a woman’s heart, and body.
If only I had the strength to let her go…

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Just Like Old Times

Two days after our clear-the-air talk (approximately) me and J-O had a conversation that was almost like old times. It started after she mentioned that we’d been talking for a year (as of 12th Feb). I said it was ‘a great year’. She said it was a ‘good year’ but it was ‘hard tho’, but overall she was glad we were close and how I supported her. I said I was glad I could do this for her, and that she’s made me very happy over this past year.

That wasn’t the reason why it was like old times. I asked her if she ever does the lottery, and she said she did a long time ago. She said wouldn’t know what to do if she won the lottery, but then said she would ‘take the first plane to London’. I said I would do something similar, namely go to her town and when I am there, phone her to say where I was as a surprise. Then she suggested ‘we could go anywhere’. I suggested Paris, and she said it would be awesome. Then she said she was imagining it and that she was ‘smiling so much’ when imagining it.

It wasn’t just that though. I think that the next bit was actually even nicer. She said that if I won the lottery I could even have Angelina Jolie. I said “but I don’t want Angelina Jolie. There’s only one girl I want”. She then pretended, in a jokey way, that she didn’t know who I meant. Deciding to go along with this flirtatious coyness, I said “I’ll give you some clues”, then said this person (her) was ‘beautiful, clever, nice, her name begins with J”. She continued with the joke, asking if it was a friend of hers whose name beings with J. I said “no. It is you.” She replied “ I am glad.”

That’s the first time she’s sent me a kiss emoticon since we ‘took a break’. It felt just like back when we were ‘together’. It was great. I can’t wait to finally be with her.

Clearing the Air

The other day I talked to J-O and we had a nice chat that cleared the air. I wasn’t planning to talk to her that day, but she sent me a message on Facebook saying “I am sorry for all the things i made you to go through… maybe you are the only one….” so I decided to talk to her when she came online.

So when she came on I asked her what she meant. She said that she “kinda started to think about the way you might feel”, that she ‘doesn’t want me to feel bad in any way’ and I asked how I felt about what had happened between us. I said that it came as kind of a shock to me, how we were so affectionate before, then all of a sudden when we took the break that completely stopped. She reiterated that she did not feel happy with us being apart, it make her lonely. I said again that I perfectly understood how she felt, that it was fine, but that since we are in different situations, I have reacted differently. She said she felt guilty for making me feel lonely, but I said it was fine, that I understood, that I didn’t want her to feel lonely at all, which is why it was fine.

Then she mentioned about how she didn’t want me to think she wasn’t being honest. That got me thinking about the incident the other day, for which I was planning to not talk to her for a few days over. I asked if she deliberately remove those posts from Facebook that I commented on. She admitted she did do it intentionally, because her friends kept asking her about ‘us’, commenting on things I wrote (not on the posts themselves obviously). She said sorry, that it was foolish, she knows, that she “must not care about what people say”. I said that I did not mind it in itself; it was the deceit I did not like. She said I was right, that in future she will talk to me about it. She said that she realised that if I had done the same, she would “not have felt good” about it.

Then she said something that was sweet, that made me completely forgive her. I asked her what she meant by “maybe you are the only one” in the message. She said she meant I am “the only one who is really honest and says what he really thinks and feels”. I am glad that my honesty is appreciated, especially from her, especially since I try so hard to be honest. My mantra is, as Kant would say, “do as you would be done by”. I think if more followed that rule (as J-O admitted she should have) then the world would be a much better place.

Actually, I think even more sweet was the fact the last thing she said to me in that conversation (aside from saying goodbye): “I wonder what if we knew each other in real… what would happen, between us”. I replied: “I hope, lots of nice things”. She said “yeah”. It’s nice to know that she still thinks about us finally being together.

More Trouble and Strife

More strange problems with J-O.

Yesterday and today I commented on links on her Facebook. In both cases, a few hours after I’d put comments on them, they’d miraculiously disappeared from her profile. I don’t like to jump to conclusions but, given previous strange happenings, it did arouse my suspicion.

To be honest, I don’t mind if she doesn’t want me to comment on my wall. I don’t mind if she doesn’t want to be ‘seen with me’ online. It’s the underhandedness, the dishonesty of it. If that’s what she thinks, she should just tell me. Doing this – if it is what it looks like – just makes things worse. If she told me, explained it to me, I wouldn’t mind. I’m a natural outsider, I’m used to it. It’s the fact that she can’t say it to my face that hurts me.

Maybe I’m being over-dramatic. Maybe it was just a coincidence. But you can’t deny it seems very strange.

I don’t know, I really wonder if she’s worth it sometimes. Hell, I wonder if she still even likes me sometimes. She seems to, in our conversations, she says she does if we talk about it, but these days I’m not sure I believe her.

I wish life was simple.

Where We Stand

All I do wish
Is that life was simple
People spoke their minds

Why must we worry
What other really think
If they are decieving us

Why are we afraid
To ask for the truth
Why are they afraid to say it

The world would be better
With no second-guessing
We can sleep soundly in our beds

Knowing where we really stand

Another Good Night

Me and J-O had another nice night watching a movie together (Megamind). Not as good as the last one but it lifted my spirits at least – for the time anyway. But once she’d gone to bed, I realised I’m still sat here alone, she’s still hundreds of miles away. It’s times like these when I wonder if it was all worth it. Before her, I was lonely, sure. But not this lonely. I didn’t have the hope that somebody would come along and be with me; in many ways that was comforting. To know I’d always be alone, to not get my hopes up that I would find somebody. I could get on with my life.

But then I think, although I may feel lonelier than ever sometimes, at least I have times – sometimes quite sustained – where I’m very happy. I think that in many ways I’d rather be really sad sometimes and really happy sometimes, then sad most of the time and kind of happy only very occasionally. I don’t know really. I can only hope that we can be together one day soon, that all this deep loneliness will have been worth it. That I can finally be happy.

Be Right Back Etiquette

Here’s why I’m now not happy and so am back blogging:

J-O and I were talking on Skype, as usual, on Tuesday. At one point I decided to check if we were still going to watch a film on Wednesday as we had planned. But instead of giving a response, she said “brb” (be right back). I thought that was strange in itself, the fact that she seemed to deliberately avoid the question.

50 minutes later, she still wasn’t back. That also annoyed me, since by definition, ‘be right back’ does not mean you’ll take a long time. I think 20 mins is the very limit, which a friend of mine agreed with. It not only seems rude but it’s frustrating; I’d much rather she say something like, ‘oh, I’m going to go do whatever, I’ll probably be a while’ then I could not think about it, where she is, what she’s doing, why she’s not back.

So, like I said, it was 50 mins after she said “brb” and I was tired, not to mention a little annoyed. So I decided to go to bed. I said “I’m tired, I’m off to bed now, see ya” (the lack of affection, the casualness of “see ya”, said deliberately to imply I was annoyed) and signed out of Skype and turn off my computer.

But that’s not the end of it. When I signed in the next day and she did a bit later (Skype only sends messages received when you were offline when the other person signs in you see, unlike msn), I received a message from her, which said “oh sorry I am back [and then saying goodnight]”. Skype indicated that this message was sent 1 minute after I’d gone offline. It was almost as if she was still there all along, like she was ignoring me. If she didn’t want to talk to me at least she could have said she was going and doing something and wouldn’t be back for a while (as I said), or that she was going to bed. But making out like she still wants to talk to me then showing she’s there all along seems harsh to me.

Am I overreacting? All I know it that it pissed me off and put me in a very bad mood…

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