Lonely Rant

As you might have been able to tell from my poem today, I’m not feeling too happy. I feel lonely and depressed, actually. It’s just been made worse by the fact J-O just texted me to say she won’t be on Skype tonight because she’s at a pub with her friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad that she’s meeting her friends – I know how lonely she feels without any friends around any more since they’re all at uni, since I’m in a similar position. Yet I was kind of hoping she would be on to make me feel better.

I don’t know, sometimes it feels like she’s the only positive thing in my future. The relationships with my friends seem to be getting worse (perhaps it’s because we’re growing up but that doesn’t mean I like it or can accept it willingly), I’m getting a bit worried about how my degree is going, I’m worried about my weight (although not enough to do anything about it yet. Not that I’m fat, but I am getting a bit tubby and I don’t like it) and I want to get away from my boring job but there’s nothing else around.

Sometimes I feel like bashing my head against the wall – at other times I feel like blankly staring into space or going to sleep or something inactive like that. I kind of feel tired of life at these times.

I’m just too reliant on people for happiness, as I’ve said before – be it my friends or J-O. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t so cowardly as to not try the uni halls experience and make new friends, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely now.

I can just imagine how must frustrated you feel if you read my blog – it just seems to go around in circles, doesn’t it? Hardly surprising that hardly anybody reads it. Read one post and you’ve read them all. I don’t know why I bother. Well, I do: it’s so I don’t have to keep nagging my friends, asking their advice – and it’s worked, too. Mostly. It fools me into thinking people actually care about me. It stops me worrying about wanting to talk to a friend about stuff but not being able to because I’m worried it’ll bore them and make them hate me, which it would if I had to listen to me (I think).

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.

  1. angstymodernhuman
    04/12/2010 at 11:54 pm

    Don’t worry mate.Things will pick up soon 🙂

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