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Archive for December, 2010

Perhaps the Worst Thing…

Do you want to know perhaps the worst thing about having a temporary ‘break'(-up?) with J-O? Pretending nothing happened. Eight months of affection and memoires down the drain. I have to pretend I’ve forgotten all of the nice things we’ve said to each other, all the great times we’ve spent ‘together’ (ok it’s online but it doesn’t make it any less meaningful!), the letters and gifts we’ve sent each other. I have to pretend I don’t like her in that way any more.

You’ll notice I’m saying ‘I’, not ‘we’. It’s because I suspect she actually doesn’t like me any more, she just wants to let me down easy. I’d rather get it over with, to be honest, if that’s true. I want to be able to move on if I have to, not wait in this limbo for ages.

I just want somebody to love me, and I can love them. Is it too much to ask!?

The Only Dream

I had a dream
I was kissing you

I had a dream
I was hugging you

I had a dream
That would once be real

Then you broke the spell
You returned me to hell

The dream was just that
So, lonely, I sat

Dreaming the dream
That may never come true

But try as I might
All I dream of is you

Predicting My Situation

As I said yesterday, me and J-O are taking a break. As I said, “I don’t understand how it will make much difference if we’re together or apart to stop her feeling” lonely. But last night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I think I worked out why. It’s because she’s not going to come over for a while, perhaps only when university starts in about 10 months time.

Why do I think this? It’s simple. She wouldn’t do this if she thought she would be coming over soon, because what would be the point, suddenly stopping after 8 months when there is only a month or two to go? She must then think that she won’t be coming over for ages, so she doesn’t want to feel lonely in that long time. She thinks she has time for other relationships, perhaps.

Not to mention the fact that I’m sure that it would be easier for her to stay in Bulgaria until university starts, as Britain isn’t exactly in a good position on the jobs front, and this must be much harder for non-British workers, even those who are fluent in English and are very clever. I’m sure she realises it would be easier to stay at home in Bulgaria and work, since obviously that reduces living costs dramatically compared to London, so even if she makes less money than she might in London, the much lower living costs would mean she may earn a fair amount more.

It certainly seems like a logical conclusion, doesn’t it? 😦

It Is Now! Sort of.

They think it’s all over… it is now! Sort of. It turns out then when we had a talk the other day about her feeling lonely and we would see how it goes when we meet, what she meant was that we should just be friends for now, until she comes over.Yep. The ‘friend zone’. To be honest, I was devastated. I cried. I didn’t want anything to do with her for a few days. I could feel my old, depressed self returning. We had  talk about how I was feeling, and it did kind of make me feel better. I don’t know what to think really. I still like her, and she says she still likes me, but it seems strange to me that, given those facts, and the fact we’ve been ‘together’ 8 months, that we would take a break now.

She said it was to stop her feeling lonely, yet I don’t understand how it will make much difference if we’re together or apart to stop her feeling this way. That’s why I said she was free to see other guys in-between now and when we meet. I asked her if there were any guys she liked there in Bulgaria, she seemed to say yes in a way, but she didn’t seem that interested. So she might just ‘have some fun’ with some guys or whatever, I don’t know, take her mind off us, make her not feel lonely.

I dunno, maybe it’ll be ok in the end. But I can’t help think it won’t. I can’t help thinking it was stupid of me to think I would be happy, that I would find somebody. I dunno. I can already feel myself returning to my old, depressed ways. I have no idea when she’ll come over. I certainly don’t think it’ll be soon, even though she’s got the results of her English exam. I don’t think she’ll come over until uni starts, in 10 months time. In that time she might get a boyfriend. I know I won’t get a girlfriend in that time.

Will I still like her then? I don’t know. I’ll just have to see how everything pans out.

They Think It’s All Over?

Well, as you’ve probably been able to tell from my recent posts, I’m not very confident about the whole J-O situation. She has started to have some doubts about us recently. We talked about it and she said she wanted to see how it went when we meet. However as I understood it, we were still technically going out. I don’t think that is the case.

In the last two days she has not been using the usual affectionate terms, has not been sending any kiss or similar emoticons during Skype conversations, and has changed her usual Skype display name from ‘(J-O) ❤ (me)’ to just her name. I don’t mind if she wanted for us to have a break for a while, be just friends for a bit, but this is hurtful to me. If she feels this way, she should tell me. Not distance herself from me and hope I won’t notice.

Why is she doing this to me? Does she not want to hurt my feelings? Because in my book, not telling me, is far worse than telling me. I’d rather be put out of my misery, go back to my old ways, than be in this purgatory.

I suppose it was just a dream. All it was ever going to be was a dream. It looks like it’s back to the path I know well, of loneliness and sadness. At least it means I don’t have expectations above what I can actually do. It’s nice, in a way, to know your place, to stick to it. My life will be filled with certainty again. And that’s my main goal in life. I hate the unexpected. Anyway, I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow. Wish me luck.

The Road I Know

It does not hurt
If you turn away
It’s the pretending
That brings the pain

Why must you torture me
Not admitting what I suspect
Put me out of my misery
Throw me back to the fire

I can handle the heat
I know the road

I’d rather have
The certainty of that road
Than the pain of a road
I know I should not be on

My Pain, Your Gain

While we are apart
Our love only adds
To the pain of the heart

I hate to add this pain
It should bring happiness
It shouldn’t mean strain

What I would do
To stop this hurt
Though it would pain me to

I’d let you go
As much as I would sigh
I’d do it, if it was a nearer, better guy

Because happiness in my aim
Not sadness, not pain

If to leave is right
I’ll take flight

Lead you into happiness
While I, again,
Wallow in pain

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