An Emotional Roller-Coaster

I’ve been talking to J-O today and my emotions have been all over the place. I started off the day being pretty resigned to the fact she could be going to Canterbury and I wouldn’t go out with her because of the distance. Then she started talking to me and I remembered how much I liked her, how in love with her I was. I told her that even if she goes to Canterbury I would still like to go out with her, because I didn’t want to lose her. Then she said that her Dad wanted for her to apply for a law degree at a London university, for next year, obviously.

Then I started to get really emotional. I told her that I would wait for her as long as it takes, that I want to be with her no matter where she goes. Then we started to talk about the future and she said that she could see herself living in London, with ‘a serious boyfriend’. I said that I would like that boyfriend to be me. Then she said that it would be nice but then she was not sure that I am ‘the one for her’ just from conversing over the internet. Then I explain my tendancy to really get into a person when I like them, at that I must remember that not everyone is as emotional as me. It was at this point I started crying.

She then send me Chasing Cars, because it’s one of the songs I’d sent her, which contains the line “if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world”. Then she said “why is life so stupid” and I said “I wish life was simple, that love was simple”. To which she said “I wish there was not life, actually”. She put a ‘crying’ emoticon. Then I said:

one day we will be together, we will hug and we won’t feel lonely
we will hug each other all night and we will be happy
and we will forget the times we were sad

She said “I hope so”, and then I said “I will always be here for you, I can wait for you, for as long as it takes”. She then thanked me for everything, and I thanked her for making me happy.

I cannot wait for this torture to end. I wish it would just get sorted and we could know what is going to happen. But it looks like her Dad is entrenched in his position, and she doesn’t want to do what he wants her to do. I suspect it will still be many days before we know. Until then, I live in a torturous limbo. On Sunday I plan to go to the pub and drown my sorrows with a few friends; I certainly need it.

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