I Almost Threw It All Away

I almost threw it all away yesterday with one stupid and demeaning comment. I had been helping J-O with her English homework and then this happened:
her: okay
her: lol thanks a lot
me: no problem
her: i think i have to send you money it is like a private lesson
me: lol yeah
met: maybe you can pay me back in other ways when you come over 😉 lol
At first she laughed but then she evidently fully realised what that joke was, and, as I realise now, was understandably upset. She asked me what I meant and I just said “oh, nothing”, in a jokey way, assuming at this point she got the joke but didn’t mind. But then this happened:
her: i can’t believe you said it
her: i do not sleep with anybody for money
me: I’m sorry 😦
her: you exchange this things as equal
her: great!…………
me: yeah
her: it is not good actually
her: i mean now great as awful..
me: sorry you’ve confused me now
me: 😐
her: just i am a bit dissapoint that you say pay in another way cuz  of course I can guess what you mean and ………. it doesn’t sound good…
me: it was only a joke
me: 😦
me: I didn’t mean it at all
me: sorry
her: are u sure
me: yes, 100% sure
met: I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you
her: okay
her: it is okay
me: good
me: I’d hate to ruin everything after yesterday
her i do not take offence very easily but sometings are not so pleasant
her:  to read
her: just that
me: it was in bad taste, I know, I should have realised
her-: one thing
her: it is alright
me: ok
me: thanks for forgiving me
me: I can’t believe I almost threw everything away after just one day
her: girls do not like to be taken on that way
her: you have to be careful
me: I know
her: with these
her: yes you know
me: I’m so stupid 😦
her: we learn by our mistakes
me: yeah
her: smile
me: 🙂
her: i am sure now you didn’t mean what i began to thought..
her: then it is okay
I just… I can’t believe how stupid I was, how I nearly threw it all away with one stupid joke. I crossed a line, I realise that now. Such as joke may have been okay with a close friend, but not with J-O. She deserves the best boyfriend, the perfect boyfriend, someone who will treat her with the upmost respect, will buy her things, be a gentlemen, be there for her when things aren’t going well, to make her happy. If I can’t do that, then I don’t deserve her. I just hope I can be that person. I hope that it all goes well, that we have a lasting relationship, that we love one another.
I know it sounds like I’m looking for a permanent thing here, and maybe – well, probably – that isn’t the right way to approach it. But I really like her, and hope that it is something that lasts. Partly I think this because I suspect I may never meet someone who actually likes me back again, but mostly it’s because I really like her – well, love her, really – and I hope that it lasts. That would make me happy, and hopefully would make her happy too. 🙂
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  1. 14/04/2010 at 9:57 pm

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