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Archive for April, 2010

A Strange Question

J-O said something really strange to me yesterday. She said “did I ever tell you I can’t sleep with clothes on?”. I said “no, why’s that?” and she didn’t really explain it. Then I said I sleep naked and she said “really, nothing on at all?” I replied “well, I mean, I have my cover on me – just nothing in the way of clothes”. She – being not a natural English speaker – evidently didn’t quite get what I mean, because she said “nothing in the way of clothes lol. Sounds kinda hot.” I was, as you can imagine, slightly surprised by this – I’ve never been called “hot” before (okay, she wasn’t exactly calling me ‘hot’, but she more or less was).

Then she told me that she didn’t really sleep naked. Which confused me. I asked her why she would say that (oh yeah, she was talking to me on audio chat by this point) and she didn’t really say. I was – and still am – very confused as to why she said it. I’m going to ask her tonight about it.

P.S: In one of the texts she sent me today she called me “my love”. I was very happy with that. The fact I called her “beautiful” in the previous text might have something to do with it. Also she has recently been sending ‘inlove’ emoticons () at the end of conversations, which is really nice. 🙂

The More I Like Her…

These days I’m finding that the more I like J-O, the more pessimistic I am about her chances of getting into Solent, of me ever seeing her. I suppose it comes from my lack of luck in love thus far. It seems like any chance I ever have gets thwarted. I have the suspicion that any girl I like, the world will conspire to make me not ‘get’ her.

The other day I talked to her on Skype voice chat. I was really nervous about it, I was shaking a bit again. I was relieved and encouraged when she said she was nervous too – it shows that she does really like me properly. I know this sounds silly, but I think she has a really nice voice. There was a few awkward silences, which were broken up by nervous laughing from both of us. I’m so silly.

Today there was another very good sign from her. I had introduced to the song The Day I Died by Just Jack the other day and she’d really liked it. So as my ‘mood message’ on Skype, I put “the day you arrive will be the best day of my life”. She noticed this near the end of the conversation. Then when she was saying goodbye, instead of the usual “🙂” she sent “” – that middle one being the ‘in love’ emoticon on Skype :D. Then she said “I like you”, which I took, in the context of that new emoticon use, to be “I love you”, but that she didn’t want to actually say ‘the L word’. I replied “I really like you too”. It’s looking very promising.

I’m A Bit Upset

I feel a bit silly. I got a bit upset when talking to Jaklin earlier, you see. I was talking about how I put one of her photos on my phone. She was really happy when she read it, and then she said that “I hope we will meet”.
But then she said it was “going to get a bit complicated, and had never met in person”. At the same time I started feeling, worrying, like maybe I was coming on a bit strong, so I asked her about if I was being silly, liking her so much when we’d never met. She said she thought it was nice.
Then she started saying about how she hopes I mean it. She said “I just hope that it is not only for a while and just you will forget it after 2 weeks or a month… something like that” I told her I did, I was sure of it. I told her I wanted to make her happy. She said that was the first time somebody had said that to her. I said “you deserve it”. It was at this point I started crying a little bit.
I feel a bit silly though, that I’m getting all emotional about this, but I’ve never even met her. I’m just worried that I may never see her, that we might never be together. But also as I’m thinking that, I’m also thinking it sounds very silly. I’m so in love with her, I will be devastated if she doesn’t come over. I just want to see her, to embrace her, to know that it’s going to be okay. Is that too much to ask, world?

To Tell Or Not To Tell

(Yes, another J-O post, sorry)

For the past few days I’ve been considering how I’m going to tell my parents about J-O. I can’t exactly say “oh yeah, by the way, I’ve met this girl on the internet, I asked her out and she said yes. Oh, she’s from Bulgaria and is hoping to get into Solent.” That does not sound good at all, to a parent. You know all the internet safety issues that such a conversation would bring up. Not to mention that I don’t really like talking to my parents about my ‘love life’, or lack thereof (as it used to be, and may well revert to, if all doesn’t go well). Also it would be pretty pointless if I told them but then (heaven forbid) she doesn’t get in – it would only create a lot of bother, which I don’t want.

I think the best thing to do would be to wait and see if she makes it over, wait until I meet her and make sure she still wants to go out with me. (Although I think she will – I mean, we’re acting more like boyfriend/girlfriend every day. Well, in as much as you can do over the internet. And no, I’m not talking about steamy webcam sessions of anything superficial like that. Not that she even has a webcam. But I digress.) Then I’ll explain everything. That way, I’d be pre-empting any ‘internet safety’ talk (having actually safely met her already, although I suspect I might get a telling-off for it anyway) and ensuring that I only tell them about her once it is going ahead for sure, minimising how much I have to discuss it with them.

I just really hope she makes it… I like her so much. ❤

A Bit Of A Disastrous Trip

Today (well, yesterday now, if you’re being pedantic) I went to London with E to go to a gig at this place called the Water Rats. We went to see this band that one of my friend’s is in. I left Southampton at 2:30 and met E on the train, and we got into London Victoria at about 5. The gig started at 6, so we first went to McDonalds, although E didn’t eat anything. Slowly we trudged over to the tube and got the Underground to King’s Cross.

We got to the gig at 6 and they started playing at 6:30. They were really good, but since they were the first band on and hadn’t played outside Hampshire (although one of their songs got played on 6 Music) it was only me, E, two other fans how had travelled up from Southampton, and the lead singer’s parents. That was rather disheartening for them, and on top of that they made a loss of £200 or so because they bought a load of tickets to sell but didn’t manage to shift many. They finished at 7. They dropped off their stuff and said they’d be back, and we thought they’d stay a while. But when they came back they said they were tired at that they were off – this was at 7:30. The rest of us hung around for a bit, as the place filled up, but left by about 7:15.

From there we went back to Victoria and then home, getting back at 11. A lot of hours and a fair bit of money (the train ticket cost £30) was wasted on that trip, in many ways. However, because of the lack of people e.t.c I didn’t like to leave E going all the way to London and back on her own, and I was glad to encourage the guys by being another person there watching them. I know one person doesn’t make much difference, but with only 6 people watching, I think it would have done. I felt really sorry for them, as they’re a great band and played really well. At least they’re getting themselves out there though.

Quick Little Note III

I’ve decided that since I’ve fallen for J-O so badly, it would be best not to update my blog on every little event that happens when I’m talking to her that I find significant. So, in order not to bug my readers with this I’ve decided to keep these minuscule musings to my ‘micro-blog’ over at Twitter. See, it does make a sort of sense, to keep short blog posts to a social networking site that was invented for precisely this purpose – small blog updates. For those who don’t follow me on Twitter, my feed can be found on the right hand side of this page or here on Twitter itself.

It’s probably pretty sad that I’ve fallen for her so much given that we’ve never met in person, but I can’t help it.

On A Wave Of Happiness

Apart from that hiccup yesterday (which was fine in the end) I’ve been really happy since J-O said that, yes, she would like to go out with me. Every time I think about her, I smile. Every time I remind myself this is the first girl I liked that actually liked me back, I smile. I’m so happy right now. I was especially happy after I got my first text from her (we exchanged numbers yesterday). She called me “honey”. That was a pleasant surprise.

At the same time, though, it feels like I’m sort of in a limbo. She said yes, so in a way she is my girlfriend. But since she doesn’t come over for several months, so really she isn’t. It’s a bit disconcerting.

When she actually meets me in person she might not like me anyway, or I may not like her. However, I don’t really think that will happen. I hope. I suppose I can only wait and see. I really can’t wait to see her now, I cannot wait for the experience of having a girlfriend.

There is another problem I’m experiencing now though. On Monday night (Monday was when I asked her out), when I was trying to get to sleep, I kept thinking about having sex with her (or, “making love”, as she would say). I feel really ashamed of myself that the first thing I think of after I asked her out is that. Believe me though, even if we do do that eventually, I will only do it if it feels right, if I am ready and if we are ready, if we are close enough for it to mean something and not just be ‘casual’ sex.

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