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Archive for February, 2010

It’s Late, and Those Regrets Have Surfaced Again

It’s 12:50 in the morning. I’ve just finished watching Get Over It, and as I was about to get ready for bed, those regrets hit me again, and I feel the need to vent them here.

I should have gone in halls. On Facebook, every day there is a reminder of how many friends everyone else has made, how much of a good time partying they’re having. Friends talk about how they’ve gotten off with some girls. And here I am, sitting at home, typing away on a computer, or playing Modern Warfare 2, e.t.c. I’ve missed out on so many experiences, so many friends I didn’t make, so many fun nights missed. Everyone is having a good time but me.

I’m such an idiot, such a Mummy’s boy, such a square (yes that term is way old and never used any more but sue me). I’m afraid of new experiences, of moving outside my comfort zone. But my comfort zone is so small, so restrictive, so impossible to escape from, that it is ruining my life. I know it’s too late. In some ways, I wish I fail this year so I can go to another uni, far, far away, where I can go in halls and have a good time, expand my horizons and draw so many things into my comfort zone so that I will never have to worry about social situations ever again. But that won’t happen, because a good student, who lives at home with his parents. I’m doomed to a life of boredom, loneliness and no sexual experiences whatsoever.

I can hear you thinking: ‘that’s all this is really about, isn’t it? Sex, kissing, all that.’ And you’re probably right. But it is something I am concerned about, because I know how this experience not will affect the rest of my life. And from what I see from the current picture, my life is going to suck.

So if you don’t mind, I’m now going to comfort myself by looking at pictures of the good times I had with me college friends. Goodnight.

The Belgium Trip

This is another post in a series, about my secondary school experiences. This is about when we went on a trip to the battlefields of France and Belgium in Year 10, and is an unusual post as it is almost completely positive.

We took the Dover-to-Calais ferry over to France on a coach. The ferry trip was entertaining because one of my friends kept complaining about feeling sea-sick so we kept ribbing him about that. When we were on the coach (I’m not sure when it exactly developed) some of my classmates asked what the driver’s name was, and he said it was Tony. From then on, every time went in the coach everyone would chant “Tony, give us a wave! Tony, Tony, give us a wave!”. Tony would wave, and everyone would cheer. It soon developed further than that, with people chanting “Tony, tell us a joke, Tony, Tony, tell us a joke!” and “Tony is a legend, Tony is a legend, na na na na! Na na na na!”. Eventually, they adapted the Southampton signature chant to go “Should I be Tony, or should I be Hall (one of the teachers), this’ what she to me, ‘wash your mouth out son, and get your father’s gun, and shoot the Hall-y scum, and support Tony”. That was so funny, I was in stiches.

But the more important thing for me was the various battlefields and memorials we visited. We visited the Vimy Ridge battlefield, but didn’t go to see the memorial, but was very interesting because of the preserved trenches. We visited the Beaumont-Hamel Newfoundland Memorial, which contains the infamous danger tree (although not the original), which was particularly moving. We also visited the Thiepval Memorial, which was so large, with so many names, that you help but be moved looking at it. The most important place we visited though, was the Menin Gate, where we saw a march of veterans e.t.c and heard the Last Post. It is such a moving event, I almost cried. I recommend everyone should visit there at least once in their lifetime.

The Confrontation.

I have decided to do a series of posts on my secondary school experiences. This one is about a confrontation I had with another boy, who was really annoying me.

There was this guy in my school, he was one of the ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ kids. He was a tough character, and thought he could do what he liked. One week, he’d evidently decided to pick on me. He kept annoying me, picking on me the whole week. One day, after he did something particular annoying (I forget what), I became angry and I decided I’d had enough. I said to some people that I was going to confront him at lunchtime.

Well, by lunchtime, as you can imagine, I was panicking. I couldn’t fight this guy, I was (and am) a weakling, and, to make matters worse, everyone was expecting me to do something. One of my classmates came up to me and said “are you going to fight him then?” and I made the feeble excuse “well, I can’t find him anywhere…”. Well, that didn’t really wash – he offered to find him for me. And he did.

The confrontation was short. He punched me, rather lightly, really, and I ran away. Nobody really made much of it, but I was certainly never stupid enough to ‘mouth off’ about beating up one of the other students again. It was a good reality check, a good way to ensure I try to control my emotions better in the future.

Luna The Whale

Today I watched this fantastic episode of Natural World, which was about a killer whale who got separated from his family and ended up in a bay on the coast of Vancouver Island, Canada. It charts his progress during this difficult time, showing how he tries to make friends with the people on the boats that come in and out of they bay, by swimming alongside them. The authorities try to discourage him, but he clearly wants friends after his traumatic experience. The film-maker, a local man, makes friends with him, to the annoyance of the authorities. It ends, tragically, with Luna going too close to a big boat and being killed by the propeller.

It was such a moving story, for me. It shows that humans are not the only animals who value friendship. To see that whale being so affectionate to the film-maker who befriended him, was so touching. It really showed friendship as the fantastic thing it is, with the ability to heal and bridge boundaries. For that magnificent whale to show how much it wanted friendship, and the love that it gave and received when that call for friendship was answered, was just so touching.

It’s tragic that this lovely, friendly and docile whale should have it’s life cut short in the way it did. I almost cried for it when the programme was drawing to a close, and am slightly welling up again now, just thinking about it. God bless you Luna, for showing what friendship is all about, and for showing that we should value other animals lives, and, in the case of intelligent and clearly emotional animals like whales and dolphins, that we should treat them as well as a human being. Rest in peace, Luna.

(For those readers in the UK, you can watch the show again, on iPlayer here.)

She Made Me Feel Happy

I’ve been feeling down in the dumps for the last few days, because I felt alone, and that my friends and I weren’t very close. All that changed yesterday when I had a video call with E on Skype.

She was in a good mood, and her happiness was very infectious, as it always is. The funniest bits where when she was making funny expressions, albeit inadvertently. She’s one of those people that have a face that is very amusing pretty much whatever expression she has on her face, it’s the same with J. The other funny thing was when she was listening to music and ‘dancing’, despite the fact she was sitting on her bed – basically it involved funny hand movements. I found it so funny.

The whole day today I was very happy, and it was because of that. I found myself singing (in my head, that is) cheerful songs when I was walking back from the train station after university.

The Bullying, Annoying W****r

This is another post in a series about my secondary school experiences. The one is about this very annoying person who kept taunting me about my friendship with one of my female friends.

I am a Roman Catholic, as you probably guess by my introductory post about this series. As such, when I reached 14 I did my confirmation. Both E and A did confirmation with me (it was where me and him fell out) and along with them, several of my schoolmates. One of these ‘schoolmates’ was somebody that didn’t like me and always annoyed the hell out of me.

One time, during one of the sessions, I was sitting next to E and put my arm around her in order to tap her on her opposite shoulder, in order to turn the wrong way to find out who did it, as children do. This guy saw me doing this, although I obviously didn’t realise that at the time, and didn’t think it mattered anyway.

Well, it turns out it did matter, to him. He decided that he’d seen me put my arm around her, decided that I liked her, and decided to taunt me about it in school. So he did – for a few weeks or so. Every time I saw him, he’d go “[My name] likes E (well, he’d say her name obviously)”. It was the most annoying thing I’d ever experienced.

One day though, I snapped. I’d had enough. I hit him, several times. He tried to fight back, so I began to furiously kick and punch him. Even though I’m not strong, my punches and kicks couldn’t have been that hard, it was a furious attack. I was very, very angry. After a while he managed to escape my reach, and ran off.

Unsurprisingly, he never bothered me again. Who said violence never achieves anything?

Do You Think I Have A Disease or Something?

Over the past few days, as I’ve been musing about my friendships I’ve noticed that at uni people never want to sit next to me if they can avoid it, it’s really kinda depressing. I feel almost like I’m diseased. This feeling was also highlighted to me the other day when I was basically forced to apologise to a friend (E) about hugging her when I was drunk, even though I apologised at the time.

I suppose I do have a disease; a disease of the personality. The aversion to talking to people I don’t know and (as a consequence of this) my inability to make friends easily. I hate my personality. I really wish I could radically improve it. But I can’t. I’m stuck with this stupid personality, possibly forever.

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