Home > Girls, Life, Personal, Relationships, Self-reflection, Significant Events, Thoughts > It’s Over, And I Feel Empty

It’s Over, And I Feel Empty

Well, it’s finally over. That girl I like rejected me over MSN yesterday. I can’t say I’m entirly surprised, especially given my recent feelings about the whole situation. Here’s how it went:

her: [my name], i need to tell you something, i know you um, like me

Now at this point time seemed to slow, everything seemed to go quiet. All I could hear was my breathing. My hand actually started shaking with nerves at this point. After was seemed like ages I managed to type:

me: er. yeah…
her: …

I then thought, well, that response can only mean one thing. I felt very sad, but I then typed:

me: so, er… are you telling me you’re not interested?
her: i just wanted to tell you now, so you didn’t get your hopes up, i didn’t want to hurt you
me: that’s ok
me: I understand
her: ok πŸ™‚

I then thought “fuuucccccckkkkk”. I’m completely screwed. I wasn’t happy. Then I said:

me: kinda expected that anyway, so it’s ok πŸ™‚
her: how come?
me: well, you know, you’re very beautiful, outgoing, talented and I’m kinda the opposite
her: you’re always so down on yourself! you’re going to uni, so you’re talented! got some nice mates, you’re going places!
me: you might be half right but I couldn’t hold a candle to you (I’m assuming you’ve heard this expression)
her: yes i have heard that expression
her: you’re very charming but, even you must know by now i don’t take compliments well – lol!
me: yeah
her: and, you don’t have to be like anyone else πŸ™‚
me: no but I just knew we were too different, pretty much from the start. don’t know why I went along with it. and I was really stupidly obvious
her: no you weren’t that obvious, honestly
her: we are pretty different, yes
me: knowing me I probably would never have plucked up the courage to ask u anyways
her: you’ll find someone and feel you have so much in common that you won’t even need courage! it will just come naturally
me: yeah, possibly
her: honest
me: anyway, thanks for telling me
her: that’s ok
me: I suppose it’s one less thing to worry about
her: are you worried?
me: about what?
her: well, you said one less thing…
me: well, uni is a major worry at the moment
me: I kinda feel like I’m staring into the abyss with that
her: know what you mean!
her: anything else?
me: girls in general, but that’s a constant worry so that’s no different from normal πŸ™‚
her: we’re not some foreign species you know πŸ˜›
me: could’ve fooled me
her: well, we just ‘work’ differently, there are exceptions though, like with everything
me: yeah but I think most guys understand you more than someone like me lol
her: i doubt it
me: girls are about as comprehendable as nuclear fission to me
her: well, if you think of it that way, we will be πŸ˜›
me: perhaps, but it’ll be a while before I can think differently
me: if ever at all
her: don’t give up like that!
her: you don’t seem like this infront of people, do you put on a front?
me: oh yeah totally, big massive distraction, always smiley
me: can’t let the side down in front of others, show your weakness
her: no not always smiley, sometimes you say things that are pretty offensive, but don’t realise or know that they are but think it’s ok – and btw, everyone has stuff like that and it’s not a weakness, just a learning curve
me: sorry 😦
me: i’m not very good with those things
me: inexperienced, like with most things
her: i just see it as the way you think, i think you know what you are saying james
me: anyhow I’d love to chat but I have to go, bye!
her: running away? πŸ˜›
her: see you
me: no!
me: my dad wants to get on the computer
her: okies
me: anyway, thanks for the talk, bye

So, that was that. I went to bed straight after that, and during the night I experienced a wide range of emotions. When I first went up I felt lonely and depressed, strangely empty and devoid of thought.

Then I woke up at 3 and I was kinda angry, because of when she said “running away? :P”. I found that very insulting. She is suggesting that I run away from my problems like some coward. I was not doing that at all. That was a low blow, in my opinion. For me, it also implied a lot of other things – that she thought I was immature, that I was an inferior person to her. It’s like I was nothing but a bit of dirt on her shoe. I thought, ‘well, if that’s how she does feel, then I’m better off without her anyway, the b*tch. In the end I concluded I was overreacting though.

Five minutes later I then started to feel very upset. I’d thought about talking to her about her insult, but then I got into thinking what else I’d say, like “all I want to do is make you happy. if us just being friends makes you happy, then I’m ok with that”. But of course, I wasn’t. I started crying. I thought ‘I thought I actually had something there, I thought I actually had a chance.’ Even typing this is bringing back the tears. I thought ‘oh god, thinking about my reaction, I think I might have actually more or less loved her’. That made me cry even more.

I eventually stopped and managed to get to sleep again, but that was one night I won’t soon forget.

  1. 20/09/2009 at 5:00 pm

    Bless you! You’ll find you girl, (YN)
    I’ve read a few of your posts now and you just seem to be the boy version of me
    And cheer up mate, I’m sure you’ve got a lot going for you. Just think when you’ve done uni and you’ve got a ridiculously over paid job you won’t be able to keep the girls away πŸ˜›
    (: x

    • anonymousteenager
      20/09/2009 at 7:03 pm

      It’s always nice to hear when somebody enjoys reading my blog, thanks! I hope you’ll stick around πŸ™‚ I’ll read your blog in a minute.
      Thanks for the encouragement to, hopefully there’s somebody out there for me – I’d like to think so, anyway πŸ™‚

  1. 01/09/2009 at 9:45 pm

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