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Archive for August, 2009

It’s Over, And I Feel Empty

Well, it’s finally over. That girl I like rejected me over MSN yesterday. I can’t say I’m entirly surprised, especially given my recent feelings about the whole situation. Here’s how it went:

her: [my name], i need to tell you something, i know you um, like me

Now at this point time seemed to slow, everything seemed to go quiet. All I could hear was my breathing. My hand actually started shaking with nerves at this point. After was seemed like ages I managed to type:

me: er. yeah…
her: …

I then thought, well, that response can only mean one thing. I felt very sad, but I then typed:

me: so, er… are you telling me you’re not interested?
her: i just wanted to tell you now, so you didn’t get your hopes up, i didn’t want to hurt you
me: that’s ok
me: I understand
her: ok 🙂

I then thought “fuuucccccckkkkk”. I’m completely screwed. I wasn’t happy. Then I said:

me: kinda expected that anyway, so it’s ok 🙂
her: how come?
me: well, you know, you’re very beautiful, outgoing, talented and I’m kinda the opposite
her: you’re always so down on yourself! you’re going to uni, so you’re talented! got some nice mates, you’re going places!
me: you might be half right but I couldn’t hold a candle to you (I’m assuming you’ve heard this expression)
her: yes i have heard that expression
her: you’re very charming but, even you must know by now i don’t take compliments well – lol!
me: yeah
her: and, you don’t have to be like anyone else 🙂
me: no but I just knew we were too different, pretty much from the start. don’t know why I went along with it. and I was really stupidly obvious
her: no you weren’t that obvious, honestly
her: we are pretty different, yes
me: knowing me I probably would never have plucked up the courage to ask u anyways
her: you’ll find someone and feel you have so much in common that you won’t even need courage! it will just come naturally
me: yeah, possibly
her: honest
me: anyway, thanks for telling me
her: that’s ok
me: I suppose it’s one less thing to worry about
her: are you worried?
me: about what?
her: well, you said one less thing…
me: well, uni is a major worry at the moment
me: I kinda feel like I’m staring into the abyss with that
her: know what you mean!
her: anything else?
me: girls in general, but that’s a constant worry so that’s no different from normal 🙂
her: we’re not some foreign species you know 😛
me: could’ve fooled me
her: well, we just ‘work’ differently, there are exceptions though, like with everything
me: yeah but I think most guys understand you more than someone like me lol
her: i doubt it
me: girls are about as comprehendable as nuclear fission to me
her: well, if you think of it that way, we will be 😛
me: perhaps, but it’ll be a while before I can think differently
me: if ever at all
her: don’t give up like that!
her: you don’t seem like this infront of people, do you put on a front?
me: oh yeah totally, big massive distraction, always smiley
me: can’t let the side down in front of others, show your weakness
her: no not always smiley, sometimes you say things that are pretty offensive, but don’t realise or know that they are but think it’s ok – and btw, everyone has stuff like that and it’s not a weakness, just a learning curve
me: sorry 😦
me: i’m not very good with those things
me: inexperienced, like with most things
her: i just see it as the way you think, i think you know what you are saying james
me: anyhow I’d love to chat but I have to go, bye!
her: running away? 😛
her: see you
me: no!
me: my dad wants to get on the computer
her: okies
me: anyway, thanks for the talk, bye

So, that was that. I went to bed straight after that, and during the night I experienced a wide range of emotions. When I first went up I felt lonely and depressed, strangely empty and devoid of thought.

Then I woke up at 3 and I was kinda angry, because of when she said “running away? :P”. I found that very insulting. She is suggesting that I run away from my problems like some coward. I was not doing that at all. That was a low blow, in my opinion. For me, it also implied a lot of other things – that she thought I was immature, that I was an inferior person to her. It’s like I was nothing but a bit of dirt on her shoe. I thought, ‘well, if that’s how she does feel, then I’m better off without her anyway, the b*tch. In the end I concluded I was overreacting though.

Five minutes later I then started to feel very upset. I’d thought about talking to her about her insult, but then I got into thinking what else I’d say, like “all I want to do is make you happy. if us just being friends makes you happy, then I’m ok with that”. But of course, I wasn’t. I started crying. I thought ‘I thought I actually had something there, I thought I actually had a chance.’ Even typing this is bringing back the tears. I thought ‘oh god, thinking about my reaction, I think I might have actually more or less loved her’. That made me cry even more.

I eventually stopped and managed to get to sleep again, but that was one night I won’t soon forget.

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I’m Just Not Right For You

When I look at you, sitting near me
I cannot believe how beautiful you are
When I look at you, sitting near me
My insides feel all funny
I want you to be near me

When I look at you, sitting near me
I cannot believe what a fabolous person you are
When I look at you, sitting near me
I start to feel sad and lonley
I want you to be near me

But then I know
I am not right for you
I cannot make you happy
To ask you out
Would just be cruel

When I Saw Her I Just Thought “I Can’t Make Her Happy”

I just don’t think I’m right for her

I went over her house (that girl I like‘s house) today. It was quite fun until the end, when I thought I’m just not right for her. This is because at the end, when we were in the car (she gave me a lift back from her house to the bus stop), I looked at her I just thought that there is no way it could work.

We watched a few episodes of Peep Show that I brought and there was this one line that, when walking back, seemed to sum up my mood at this moment: “I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked… You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything’s just completely fucked.

I’ve just realised though, there was an oppertunity that I missed today. She was upstairs phoning a friend to see if he was coming and I was coming out of the loo (the loo is upstairs) and she was on her own, her friend was busy watching the dvd, I could have talked to her. I should’ve realised at the time, dammit!
It’s just that when I was able to take some long sideways looks at her in the car (she didn’t see cos she was concentrating on the road) I just thought “god, I’m never going to be able to make a girl that nice, that beautiful, happy”. I just think that she’s all nice, generally cheery, interesting and fun to be around, whereas I’m kinda the exact opposite of that.

She is no longer ignoring me!

She is no longer ignoring me on Facebook! Hoepfully it means that I was right about her being annoyed with me was a temporary thing while she was sorting herself out after results, and it doesn’t mean that was a way of saying she really isn’t interested in me but is now returning back to normal relations, assuming I’ve got the message. I may still be in with a chance yet!

Is She Ignoring Me?

The saga continues! I swear that girl I like is ignoring me. I’ve acted normally but every time I’ve commented on any of her status’ or anything else on Facebook there appears to be a noticeable wall of silence. Perhaps I’m misinterpreting the situation, but I swear I’m right. It was cemented in my mind when I commented on someone else’s status (one of her friends) and she also commented after me, ignoring me, then adding another comment, “oh hello (my name here)”, just as somebody would if they were ignoring somebody standing near them during a conversation with a friend and had said that just after she walked away. Is that deliberate, to signal to me that she isn’t interested? I’m getting really worried. Every word I type here, the more I think about it, the more concerned I get.

I’m totally screwed, aren’t I? She isn’t interested, is she? Is she!? She hates me, she hates all the attention I pile on her. It could be the pressue of her less-than pleasing A-level results and the changing of her uni course because of it, which is what a friend suggested also. She might be annoyed and lashing out. I really hope so, it means I might be in with a chance yet. I hope!

I’m Just Not Interesting Enough

Another thing that’s going to be held against me if or when I ask out that girl I like is the fact that I’m simply not interesting enough.

I’m not good at making conversation, I’m no good at thinking up interesting topics of discussion, usually it’s just the same sorta thing over again every time I talk to people. Also, the things I’m interesting in is video games, computers and sci-fi – not exactly something thing a hot girl likes in a boyfriend, I strongly suspect.

How can I compete against these interesting and witty people? There’s now way she’s going to want to go out with me, is there?

Results Day Coming Up

Well, it’s A-Level results day in a few days (on the 20th) and it looks like the stupid Labour government have completely screwed us over. Labour have introduced tuition fees to get more people into university, but just when more places are needed they can’t do so. They then let universities recruit far too many forign students becuase they pay far higher fees – about 10x higher. Above all that, because of the recession (which Labour exacerbated) lots of adults are applying for university, making it even harder for us to get places if we don’t get our grades.  The quicker the Conservatives get in government, the better.

This is the most epic of all Labour’s fails.

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